Randy's Travel Diary

The Bitter Single's Guide to Valentine's Day (aka Single's Humiliation Day.)

2012-02-11T21:08:00.001-08:00

The medical staff at Randy's Travels has assembled the following guide to get you through the night.

1) Nourishment: Pint of Ben and Jerry's or a pint of Jack Daniels.

2) Fiscal Aversion Therapy:

- Cost of an engagement ring: $4,600

- Cost of a wedding: $27,000

- Cost of raising a child to 18 (not including college) $227,000

- Cost of a divorce: $8,000 to $133,000 (fees for lawyers and accountants for a contested divorce that goes to trial.)

- Intangibles costs: Average weight gain for men and women after five years of marriage: 6 to 9 pounds.

*Note on Sources: Sketchy at best; I grabbed first semi-reasonable results from Google.

3) Cognitive Therapy:

a) Light Reading: "The John and Lorena Bobbit Story"

Heart-warming tale of boy meets girl, boy abuses girl, girl cuts of boy's penis and throws it out the window of a speeding car, boy becomes a porn star.

b) Movies:

- War of the Roses: Still want to get married?

- Fatal Attraction: Think your last girlfriend was a drama queen?

- Caligula: Think your last boyfriend was a jerk?

4) Self-Improvement

a) Personality Test: Are you marriage material?

b) One man's pathetic story that will no doubt make you feel better about your situation: "Why I'm Over Forty and Still Single"

The Nurse (more erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-10-27T08:27:00.000-07:00

Erotic Fiction about an encounter with a bar girl in a Phnom Penh.

(Content warning: political incorrectness, plus graphic depictions of naivete and weak morals.)

For more live performances:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay
- Why I’m Over 40 and Still Single

Labels: erotic humor, humorous erotica, erotic travel story, sex with bar girl, prostitution for dummies

The Online Date that Went a Little too Well

2011-09-29T16:47:00.000-07:00

(Recorded live at the Somerville Library in Massachusetts
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

For more live performances:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay
- Why I’m Over 40 and Still Single

(keywords: erotic humor, humorous erotica)

The Day I Almost Became Gay (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-09-21T09:36:00.000-07:00

(Recorded live at the Somerville Public Library)
http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif

For another erotic humor, humorous erotica video, check out:

"Domination for Dummies"

Here's what the critics had to say about "Domination for Dummies":
"Offensive."
"Pathetic."
"Is this some kind of cry for help?"

Domination for Dummies

2011-09-21T09:30:00.000-07:00

(recorded live at the Somerville Public Library)

Content warnings: faux Quaaludes, flying panties, misplaced rug lint

More stories:
- The Day I Almost Became Gay
- The Online Date that Went a Little too Well
- Quiz: Are you marriage material?

keywords: erotic humor, humorous erotica

Live Performance: 9/15/11, Somerville MA

2011-08-22T08:09:00.000-07:00

(click image above to enlarge)
Visit The Roving Raconteurs on Facebook

Click for directions

What to Expect from Friends in Middle Age

2011-07-14T10:47:00.000-07:00

(Excerpt from The Handbook for the Chronically Single)

Under Forty-Five Years Old:

- Purpose of friends: Wingmen, counsel, placeholders for a girlfriend.

- Contact frequency: Daily.

- Mode of contact: Face-to-face or phone.

- Amount of time you can tolerate them: Unlimited.

- Would you loan them money? "If I had any."

- Would you help them move? "No brainer."

- Shared interests: pussy, bench presses, tits, squats, chicken wings, funny beer commercials, getting hard at the wrong time, midgets, PMS, Rogaine, Chuck Palahniuk, sleeping late.

Over Forty-Five Years Old:

- Purpose of friends: Counsel, wingmen, business connections.

- Contact frequency: Monthly.

- Mode of contact: Texting, E-mail, voice-mail, occasional face-to-face.

- Amount of time you can tolerate them: Three hours.

- Would you loan them money? "Depends on their credit score."

- Would you help this person move? "With my back, are you kidding me?"

- Shared interests: Menopause, rotator cuffs, kvetching, Achilles tendons, low-carb diets, whining, interest rates, getting soft at the wrong time, reading glasses, griping, ponderous biographies, sleeping pills.

For more entries in "The Handbook for the Chronically Single," see
- Self Test #1: Are You Marriage Material?

- Find Your Match: The 5 Romantic Personalities

Domination for Dummies (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-06-24T11:17:00.001-07:00

For more humorous erotica or erotic humor, see:
"The Online Date That Went a Little Too Right"
"The Day I Almost Became Gay"
"The Nurse"

Close Encounter on a 747

2011-06-21T22:21:00.000-07:00

or How Not to Join the Mile-High Club

For more travel stories, see:
- Unemployed writer vs. most annoying hotel clerk in Greece
- How to Lose it in Bangkok
- Rats, Plague, and Burritos: Another Day in Nha Trang, Vietnam

The Nurse (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-05-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

Original Erotic Humor: NC-17
(This is a reworked scene from novel I'm finishing. The novel is about a never-married hypochondriac who takes a trip around the world hoping to change his luck with love.)

For more erotic humor or humorous erotica, see:
"The Online Date That Went a Little Too Right"
"The Day I Almost Became Gay"

My next gig: 6/4 in Newton, MA

2011-05-14T08:34:00.000-07:00

Find Your Match: The 5 Romantic Personalities

2011-05-04T09:08:00.000-07:00

1) Martyrs
- Feel everything intensely, especially love, rejection, and Red Sox playoff losses.
- Claim to know what they want in a mate; say smug things like "I won't settle."
- Spend most Saturday nights alone.
- Cry at crapola love stories like The Bridges of Madison County.
- Capable of great happiness when involved and great bitterness when single.
- Examples: Jackson Browne, Vincent Van Gogh, Billie Joe McAllister.
- Favorite quote: "My heart is your piñata."

2) Settlers
- Martyrs who marry suddenly because of an external event like a scary health problem, a milestone birthday, or an aging parent who wants to see them hooked up.
- Husbands are often happy with this arrangement. -Wives often seek divorce after children leave for college. - Examples: Too many to list.
- Favorite quote: "I'll have the baked chicken, no skin, butter, salt, oil, or bread crumbs. And a glass of water with no ice."

3) Mercenaries
- Approach love as if it were just another transaction, to-do item, or mission.
- Emotionally detached with flat, even moods.
- Tend to be content instead of happy.
- Examples: Ted Bundy, Dirty Harry, Angelina Jolie.
- Favorite quote: "Kill them all and let God sort them out."

4) Bonders
- Born with good brain chemistry.
- Can connect with most anyone and be happy in most situations.
- Are good as friends, but boring as lovers.http://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gif
- Examples: Anyone married for more than three years.
- Favorite quote: "Let a smile be your umbrella on a rainy day."

5) Barnacles
- Don’t have the stomach for dating.
- Always in a relationship.
- A bad choice for spouseless vacations because without a partner they glom on to you.
- Examples: Zsa Zsa Gabor, Elizabeth Taylor, Mickey Rooney, and other people married at least eight times.
- Favorite quote: "People who need people are the luckiest people in the world."

For a more probing look into your psyche, see "Are You Marriage Material?"

Clitter-Clatter (Erotic Humor, Humorous Erotica)

2011-04-19T21:11:00.000-07:00

For audio version click play button below. To view a video version, click here.

For more erotic humor or humorous erotica, see:
"The Nurse"
"The Day I Almost Became Gay"

Self Test #1: Are You Marriage Material?

2011-04-06T13:49:00.000-07:00

I) Give yourself one point for each item that applies.

1) You can tolerate boredom:

- After sex
- After lithium
- Fuck you.

2) Nesting instincts:

- I have no furniture.
- I have college furniture.
- I once went to Crate and Barrel for a free wine and cheese reception.

3) Your girflfriend asks you to get a video for her preschool daughter's birthday party. You choose:

- Borat
- Death Wish
- Last Tango in Paris

4) You miss your ex most when:

- Eating alone
- Watching a movie alone
- Paying the mortgage alone

5) If a significant other says "no" to sex, you:

- Take her to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Take her college-aged daughter to her favorite restaurant because she's probably having a difficult week.
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.

6) Last relationship failed because:

- You forgot her birthday.
- You forgot her phone number.
- You forgot her name.

7) It's your anniversary and she is expecting something special, so you:

- Go drinking with the boys
- Go skiing with the boys
- Visit Yvonne, the double-jointed masseuse.

8) How well do you understand women?

- When a woman says "no," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "let go of my throat, you're hurting me," she means "feel my breasts."
- When a woman says "get out now or I'm calling the police," she
means "feel my breasts."

II) Scoring

- One to three: Clueless
- Three to six: Hopeless
- Six or more: Dangerous

Enjoy this quiz? Consider "The Loneliest Planet: The Handbook for the Chronically Single" ($8 print, $1.00 PDF)

Fiction for Sale

2011-03-30T11:56:00.000-07:00

1) The Loneliest Planet: A Handbook for the Chronically Single, a 44-page booklet of short fiction. ($8 -- includes shipping)

2) Downloadable PDF version of booklet ($0.99 -- After payment, I send you the link for quick download.)

3) Downloadable MP3 recordings of two stories: The Day I Almost Became Gay (4 minutes) and Escape from Bangkok (3 minutes) both for $0.99 -- After payment, I send you the link for quick download.)

The Day I Almost Became Gay (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

2011-03-23T08:37:00.001-07:00

For more erotic humor or humorous erotica, see:
"The Online Date That Went a Little Too Right"
"The Nurse"

Dream woman on a Greek Ferry Part II

2011-03-09T04:32:00.000-08:00

To view Part I (video)

One Day in Bangkok

2011-01-02T18:48:00.000-08:00

From a recent story-telling event in Boston.

Romance on a Greek Ferry: Part 1

2011-01-02T17:32:00.000-08:00

A crazy Russian with a good throwing arm. Part 1
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For Part II click here (audio file)

Why I'm over 40 and still single: New Video

2011-01-02T15:52:00.000-08:00

The fish theory, the valency theory, one day at the shrink's office.

Latest video excerpt from novel in progreshttp://www.blogger.com/img/blank.gifs.

For more humorous articles on being over 40 and single, see:
- Quiz: Are you marriage material?
- Quiz: What's your love style: Martyr, Missionary, Bonder or Barnacle?
- Erotic humor: The online date that went a little too right.

More Novel in Progress: Rats, Plague, Burritos

2010-11-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

Novel Excerpt: One Day in Athens

2010-11-19T21:56:00.000-08:00

Recent Video: Opening scene

2010-11-17T06:28:00.000-08:00

Reading from Novel (Part 4) Jackie the Roller Blade Queen

2010-10-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

Final installment of recent reading from novel in progress: (2.5 minutes)

Click this link to listen to audio clip.

http://www.box.net/shared/4taqahdtnb

Reading from Novel (Part 3) Over 40, Still Single

2010-10-17T17:43:00.000-07:00

Click this link to hear audio from a recent reading from novel in progress:

Over Forty and Still Single

http://www.box.net/shared/tv457trpzj

Reading from Novel: Part 2 (Bangkok)

2010-10-14T14:24:00.000-07:00

Click this link to hear audio from a recent reading from novel in progress:

One Day in Bangkok (2.5 minutes)

http://www.box.net/shared/pfl8fgc2ki

Reading from Novel (9/20): Part 1

2010-10-13T16:00:00.000-07:00

Click this link to hear audio from a recent reading from novel in progress:

Vicodin, Klonopin or Heineken?
http://www.box.net/shared/jmec67b5mr

One Day in Bangkok

2010-03-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

Vietnam: Plague, Flashbacks, Beetle Burritos

2010-03-11T19:43:00.000-08:00

Day 5: Mid-Vacation Blues

2010-03-03T13:50:00.001-08:00

Canadian Olympic Moments:

- Cheryl Bernard , captain of curling team: Atractive, fit, age-appropriate, good with a broom.

- Jon Montgomery: After winning a gold medal, he is walking through a group of fans. Instead of throwing flowers, a young woman hands him a pitcher of beer. He takes it, and starts swilling. Of the experience, he said: "It was the sweetest beer I ever tasted and, to boot, it was free." Man after my own heart.

- Popular joke about French Canadians: They prefer doggie-style, so they can both watch the hockey game.

Sunday morning, after Rod and Gun club shindig, my mouth tastes like the inside of a dirty goldfish bowl. My head has a mysterious Gorbachev-style skin rash.

Outside it's overcast. Inside it's overcast.

My knees make a strange crunching noise when I walk.

I meet Erik at the bus stop.

"No new snow?" I say.

"No new snow," he says.

We board the ski bus in silence.

Did we over do it last night with moose satay? No, we have contracted the mid-vacation blues.

Treatment options:

- sit with it and let the feelings pass like a snow-less, overcast sky.

- switch from light beer to dark beer

- if all else fails, one remaining course of action, but I hear it's very strong.

At the mountain, we head to the North Bowl. We ski to the entry of one trail. A skier is perched on a ledge above us. He watches as we peer over the edge and waiver. Then he snaps two quick turns and lands on a ledge 10-feet below us.

He looks at us again, then jumps, spins in the othe direction, and skis off leaving a roostertail of snow in his wake.

The last time I saw a move like that was in a Warren Miller extreme skiing movie.

I don't want to be in a Warren Miller movie or an episode of E.R.

We traverse across the top of the North Bowl to an easier entry point between the cliffs. Erik enters a chute called Sweet Spot. The chute is around a narrow bend. Erik sideslips around the bend, points his skis down, and takes off. He shrieks, but doesn't fall.

I sideslip down. I can't see; fog covers Erik's path, the only path down.

My skis won't move.

Erik takes off his backpack.

My legs won't move.

Erik takes out a bottle of Coke.

My skis still won't move.

Erik takes out his lunch.

My legs still won't move.

Erik takes out a book.

Ten seconds later, the mid-vacation blues have lifted.

Day 4: Rods, Guns, Beaver

2010-03-03T11:27:00.000-08:00

Town of Revelstoke at a Glance:
1) Population:

- about 6,000 year-round, jumps to 8,000 during winter

- ethnic mix: none; lots of colorful locals, few locals of color.

- foreign minorities imported to perform scutt work: Australians (about 300).

2) Best places to meet women

- Curling rink (gives free lessons on Friday, have yet to verify.)

- All-you-can-eat buffet. (struck out.)

- Happy hour spot on mountain. (struck out there as well.)

- Match.com: A search on Revelstoke, yielded only six age-appropriate women. An expanded search that included age-inappropriate, younger women and those in nearby towns of Salmon Arm and Kamloops yielded 164 women. (Didn't see waitress from all-you-can-eat place.)

3) Cost of living index

- Exchange rate: even; a U.S. dollar gets you a Canadian dollar.

- Medium-sized bottle of Tobasco sauce: $7

- Six pack of local Kokanee beer: $13

- Seasonal rentals with utilities and Internet: 1 bedroom apartment $900, 2 bedroom $1000.

- Low-cost housing option: An Australian lived under a resident's porch without the resident knowing for most of the winter.

4) Snowbanks:
- typical season, six to nine feet high in town.
- this season: no snow banks, worst snow season in years.

Rod and Gun Club party

Details:
- Tickets: $30 a piece, purchased at Johnny's, a local bait and tackle shop on Victoria Road.
- Format: Drinks at 4:30
- Buffet dinner at 5:45
- Dancing at 9:00

Erik and I arrive at 5:30 and take seats at a long table near the exit, just in case. We buy four Budweiser cans at the bar and sit down.

The event is in the community center, which looks like a VFW hall filled with folding buffet tables.

Halfway through beer number one, I notice the skulls. The horns and skulls of moose, elk, buffalo, deer, and more are displayed on one wall. I'm guessing the carcasses of the animals are simmering in the chafing dishes in the middle of the room.

In the middle of the table is a little diorama of a bear. The woman next to picks it up and shows it to me.

"This is the one thing, I won't eat," she says.

What about beaver?

The woman is probably in her forties, very attractive, and seated with her husband.

Then the room becomes silent. The M.C. says grace:

"I want to give thanks for all we are about to receive, this bounty, and all our good friends and community who are gathered here tonight. I'd also like to bless our sponsors: The Sandman hotel, Begbie Glass Company, Skalicky's Plumbing and Gas --"

The MC eventually calls our table to the buffet line. Each chafing dish is labled:
- Moose meatballs.
- Moose stuffed cabbage.
- Moose satay on a stick.
- Two types of sliced goose, regular and Canadian
- Sliced bear, elk, and bison.
- Salmon
- beef lasagne, chicken and other domestic foods.
- vegetables.

I take a little of everything and buy a can of Kokanee beer before sitting down.

The moose on a stick initially tastes like beef, but has a skunky, rubbery after-taste, kind of like an old bicycle tire.

I cut a small slice of bear meat. It isn't red, it's kind of purple. I take a small bite. It doesn't taste like beef, it tastes like something that was recently shot in the head or hit by a car.

"Erik, you want the rest of my bear?" I ask.

The woman next to me looks over the growing pile of beer cans in front of me and nods.

"Don't wave that stuff in front me," she points to the little bear diorama in front of her.

I stick with the beef lasagne for the rest of the meal.

"So what do the guys from Boston think of the dinner?" she asks loud enough to get the attention of her husband and the couple sitting across from them.

"Anyone want the rest of my bison or a slice of elk?" I ask the group.

They all have small plates of uneaten animals in front of them.

"Actually," I say. " If we were in Boston, we probably wouldn't be talking to each other. We'd all be staring straight ahead, complaining about the food, the service, or the color of the hand towels in the bathroom."

One of the husbands joins the conversation. "We're a pretty friendly bunch," he says. "There are some real plusses to small town life."

Day 3: Will you marry me?

2010-03-03T10:16:00.000-08:00

After skiing and happy hour, Erik and I go for dinner at a restaurant with an all-you-can-eat buffet.

The waitress approaches. She has firm biceps shaped like little moguls and wears long black slacks. She looks about 25.

Erik orders a gin and tonic.

"Want to make that a double?" she asks.

I ask about the buffet. "Is it really all you can eat?"

"Yup," she says.

"Can I go back five times?" I ask

"You can go back thirty times."

She returns with our drinks as I'm returning from the buffet.

"Do you ski?" I ask.

"Snowboard," she says.

I take a closer look at her: she has a tiny nose stud, skinny black glasses, and two hoops in one ear.

"Are you the one who has been running around erasing the 's' on all the Revelstoke signs?" I ask.

"Not me, I already have a job. But you be careful, the toke is very strong around here. Stoners hit the buffet and have to be carried out."

Sense of humor? Check.

We take out a trail map and ask her to recommend some trails. She points to the North Bowl.

Fit? Check.

"You going to the Rod and Gun club wild-game barbeque?" I ask her.

"I would, but I have to work. I hear there's lots of beaver."

Warped sense of humor? Check.

We chit chat some more. She owns a house, has two kids, and mentions something about a roomate -- not a husband, not a live-in boyfriend, but a male roomate. She could be in her early thirties.

Age appropriate? Maybe.

An hour later, I return to the buffet for thirds. The food has been put away. I stand there, my eyes wet with tears.

"Why so sad?" our waitress asks on her way to serve another table.

I point to the empty buffet.

"I'm so sorry," she says. "I put everything away. I spaced out."

"I was wrong about you," I say. "You're a really mean person."

"You poor underfed American. Wait here, I'm going to take care of you."

She delivers some drinks -- doubles no doubt -- to another tab le, and races into the kitchen. She emerges with another waitress; their arms are filled with chafing dishes, bowls, and silverware.

Thirty minutes later, I cross silverware on my empty plate in an act of surrender.

Erik is also finished. The waitress reaches for his empty plate.

"Erik, are you done?" I ask. "Have to keep an eye on her, she's got a reputation for removing food quickly. How do you think she got those arms?"

She turns to me. "You poor dear, did I traumatize you?"

In ways you'll never understand.

She hands me the check and approaches another table.

"You boys want to make that a double?" she says to her new customers.

Guess our time together was just business as usual.

Day 2: North Bowl, the Hound, Rods and Guns

2010-02-28T12:21:00.000-08:00

Friday a.m. We board the 8:30 ski bus that runs from the hotel to the ski area.

Upfront, a local guy talks to the bus driver about upcoming social events. The guy looks about 45 and has a Charlie Mason hair-do.

Me: "Where are the best bars in town?"

Charlie Manson: "The Last Drop is having a party tonight."

Charlis is missing two bottom teeth, probably an old curling injury.

Charlie continues: "Tomorrow night is the big Rod and Gun club party at the community center."

***

At the mountain, Erik wants to ski the North Bowl. The North Bowl is very high. There are yellow ropes along the top with signs that say, "Danger Cliffs."

I don't want to ski the North Bowl, I think to myself.

Between some of the ropes there are openings. Erik skis into an opening with a sign for a trail called "Meet the Neighbors."

I don't want to meet the neighbors.

He skis to the top of the trail and looks down. "That's too psycho."

Can we leave now?

He skis over to another opening and looks around. "OK," he says. He sideslips down a few feet, skis around some rocks and enters a large open bowl filled with deep snow.

I sideslip down.

"Go down a little further and point your skis around the rocks," Erik says.

I have a Vietnam-style flashback to last March skiing at Sunday River in Maine. I took a little fall on the ice and broke my foot, ribs, and wrist in two places.

I'd rather be bungy jumping.

I look across the trail. The narrow entry is dotted with exposed rocks that look like a human spine.

Another dead skier.

"Point your skis a little higher," Erik yells.

My skis don't want to move. My legs don't want to move.

I don't want to meet the neighbors.

***
At the bottom of the trail, we enter some trails in the woods.

Tree wells.

Erik scouts the trail and waves me on. Erik scouts some more. And waves me on. I see Erik perched on top of mogul.

Ski, Erik, ski.

Erik is not skiing. Erik is trying to figure out what to do next. Erik is stuck. I don't like it when Erik is stuck.

"There's this thing sticking in the middle of the trail," he says.

Probably a frozen human arm.

"I'm going to try this way," he says

I hear a loud cracking noise that is either bindings releasing or sniper fire. Then I hear Erik say: "Ah, f%$&, sh$#."

I'd rather be Canyon Swinging

***

At Happy Hour, we sit at a long table of empty seats.

Monique from Australia approaches our table.

"How about two Molsen drafts?" I say.

"Want to make that a pitcher?" she asks.

A crowd of people join our table. The crowd is mainly in their forties and fifties with one elderly woman, who sits next to me. Erik and I shared a gondola ride with one of the forty-something women. She's a local, recognizes us, and we start talking.

Me: "Is there any easy way to get to Revelstoke from the States. We took the Greyhound from Calgary. What a horror show."

Forty-something woman: "Oh, no, you took the Hound?" she says. The table errupts with laughter.

Me: "I have another question: Some guy on the ski bus who looked like Charlie Manson told us about a Rod and Gun Club party. Have you been?"

One guy from the group: "Oh, the freezer burn special? They serve all the animals they shot during the year. Don't break any teeth on the buckshot. You have to go at least once for the local color."

Me: "I notice you have an interesting graffit problem: On all the signs that say 'Revelstoke," the 's' has been erased to say 'Revel toke."

Guy: "B.C. has pretty loose laws for marijuana. But be careful: the stuff is really strong."

Eighty-year-lady sitting next to me: "Yeah, be careful, it's really strong."

Day 1: Revelstoke, B.C.: Scoring Weed, Dead Skiers

2010-02-28T10:42:00.000-08:00

I) Hotel Review: The Maple Leaf

- mid-priced hotel, $170 or so per night with lift ticket and free Internet.

1) Location:

- 100 yards from Trans-Canada highway. Like mom used to say: When crossing the street, always looking both ways for 18-wheelers.

- a 40-minute walk from small, downtown Revelstoke area with bars and restaurants.

- 15-minute shuttle bus-ride from the mountain. Bus is free and runs regularly and on time.

2) The Room:

- I am going to be here for 11 days and ask the desk clerk for something nice and quiet. He gives me a key.

- The room has a queen bed and smells like Frenches yellow mustard.

- Clerk gives me a second room. It has two queen beds and an efficiency kitchen. Smells like French bread and old ski underwear. I'll live.

3) Overall Impression: Satisfactory

- Points deducted for

a) Broken toilet seat: it is missing a bolt and slides around when you sit on it. It is also child-sized (I won't go into details: let's just say the seat is unusually small and neither my ass nor my equipment is unusually large.)

b) The hotel restaurant: Arby's

Erik and I go in for a meal. The place is devoid of patrons and staff. A lone hostess stands behind a cash register. A super-sized couple stands in front of us discussing a take-out order with hostess. The discussion is taking a long time. Maybe they are ordering lots of food. Judging by their girth, the couple must be regulars. Erik and I leave and eat at the Burger King across the highway.

II) Revelstoke Mountain Overview.

- Revelstoke wants to be the Jackson Hole of Canada: a mountain known for challenging terrain and nice facilities. The kind of place that attracts expert skiers and wannabees like me that want to be able say, "Yeah, I skied Revelstoke's North Bowl."

- The mountain claims to get 40 to 60 feet of snow per season. (resorts in New England may get 25 feet in a good season.)

- The mountain has the highest vertical (5,620 feet) of any resort in North America -- more than Whistler, more than Jackson Hole. Vertical measures the ski-able height of the mountain. Many Colorado mountains are 11,000 feet high, but the resort is located at 8,000 feet (11,000 feet minus 8,000 equals 3,000 feet of vertical.) The more vertical, the longer the challenging runs.

Things to fear on Revelstoke Mountain

- The North Bowl: Located on the backside of the mountain, this bowl is home to Revelstoke's scariest terrain. To enter the North Bowl, you have to ski down chutes located between rocky outcroppings, sometimes called cliffs. Here is a video of a relatively tame chute. Here is a not-so tame drop in that is about 20 feet high. I will not be dropping in like this.

- Tree Wells: The area around the base of trees can form a well, as much as 10 feet deep. The well is often camouflaged by light snow. Fall into a tree well head first and you experience a deep snow accident, which can lead to suffocation in minutes.

- Dead bodies: Ski resorts often have signs on trails that warn about unmarked obstacles. Normal obstacles include: rocks, roots, and stumps. At Revelstoke there appears to be another kind of obstacle.

Day One:

Alarm goes off at 8:30. I had unpleasant dreams about North Bowls, tree wells, cliffs, and dead bodies. I don't want to go skiing today. But we ski and live and go to happy hour.

At the table next to us sits a snowboarder dude. Waitress approaches him.

"What can I get you?" she asks.

He looks at her name tag. "How about a Tanqueray and tonic, Miss Erin from Australia?"

"Want to make that a double?" she asks.

She brings his drink.

"How's life down under?" he asks.

She runs her hands through her hair.
He runs his hands through his hair.

She flirts. He flirts. She tugs on her tight shirt to cover her cleavage.

Flirt, flirt, flirt, flirt.

There is a pause in the action.

He leans in.

She leans in.

He asks for the order: "Erin, do you know where I can score some weed?"

Erin approaches us.

We order draft beers.

"Would you like to make that a pitcher?" she asks.

"Dear Greyhound" continued

2010-02-28T09:38:00.000-08:00

(this is page two of letter to Greyhound Canada, regarding service on bus trip GLC 5407 from Calgary to Revelstoke, B.C.)

After being interrogated and searched, I reached the front of the boarding line. A man wearing an olive blazer took my ticket. His jacket was double-breasted, too large for him, and adorned with medals. I couldn't tell if the medals were from Greyhound, his tour in Nam, or someone else's tour in WWII.

Two hours into the ride, we stopped to let off some passengers. A large guy in a leather jacket and black ski hat stomped down the aisle. I'm guessing he was the Canadian equivalent of a gang-banger. He asked the bus driver who was standing outside, "Can I get off to get somethig to eat?"

Bus door closes abruptly.

Gang-banger: "He slammed the f&*%ing door in my face. What an assh*le."

Driver started bus. Gang-banger yelled something from the back. Bus driver stopped the bus and marched, medals a jingling, to the gang-banger's seat

Driver used his outdoor voice and made assorted rude, offensive, abrasive remarks to gang-banger and finally said: "Stop with the attitude or you're off the bus."

During the next hour, the driver used his PA system to make other remarks to and about the gang-banger. Gang-banger was quiet.

Eventually, the bus pulled into my stop, Revelstoke, B.C. Several people, Erik, and I got off the bus. Our bags were in the luggage compartment under the bus. No bus driver. We stood and looked at the luggage compartment. We looked around the bus stop. No bus driver. We had been trapped on a bus for six hours listening to ranting bus driver. We were not happy. I decided to open latch to luggage door.

"You break that door and I'll break you." It was the melifluous sound of the bus driver's voice. I grabbed my bag. I walked around the front of the bus. The bus driver was standing around smoking a pipe and chatting with some people who may or may not have been on the bus.

Me to bus driver: "You are rude."

Bus driver: "Keep it up and you'll never ride another Greyhound again."

My sentiments exactly.

Sincerely,

Randy Ross
Editor, RossTravels.com
The site for world travelers

Footnotes to readers regarding Greyhound's overzealous security:
- In 2008, a Canadian passenger pulled out a knife and cut the head off another rider. Murderer was found to be insane. Another possible explanation: an abrasive bus driver drove him insane.
- Canadian Ettiquette tip: When boarding a local Greyhound, always ask the driver: "Where you be heading, hey?"
- Canadian insult: "You must be from Calgary."

Ski Trip to B.C: Delta, Who said Canadians are nice?

2010-02-27T08:05:00.000-08:00

Continuation from yesterday: 5:30 a.m. at the Delta International counter at Logan. I ask about my flight and ticket agent starts typing into her terminal. Calls over another agent in red jacket who starts typing.

Agent Red: "Your flight to Minneapolis has been delayed till 11:00."

Me: "What about our connection to Calgary? We have to catch a 6:30 bus from Calgary."

Agent Red: "You won't make connection."

Agent Red types, makes a couple of phone calls and rebooks my travel companion, Erik, and I on Air Canada flights to Toronto and on to Calgary.

We thank the nice lady in the Red Jacket.

We traipse with our 8-foot ski bags from one terminal to another. We check in at Air Canada and wait at the gate.

Ominous weather report on TV at Air Canada terminal: New England will be lashed by huge storm, hurricane winds, epic rain and snow.

I approach Air Canada agent at gate for flight to Toronto.

Me: "Is the flight to Toronto on time?"

Air Canada agent: "It's all set, boarding in one hour."

Me: "Shouldn't the plane be outside next to the gangway if we're leaving in an hour?"

Agent: "It's all set, boarding in one hour."

I go to the window facing the gangway. No plane.

There are no planes coming or going on the runway.

It has started to rain, the sky has turned gray.

My mood has turned gray. I return to my seat and start reading my book, "So Long, See You Tomorrow." The book is about a murder. I am in the mood for a good murder story.

Twenty minutes later, I look out the window. No plane.

Me: "Shouldn't the plane be outsie next to the gangway, if we're leaving in an hour?"

Agent: "It's all set, boarding in 30 minutes.

Boarding time, comes and goes. I can't afford to piss off gate agent -- if flight is delayed or cancelled. I will need her help.

Plane arrives, we board 30 minutes late. I look at the snotty gate agent. So Long, See You Tomorrow.

An hour and a half later, plane arrives on time in Toronto. We board four-hour flight to Calgary.

We take a shuttle bus from Calgary airport to Grey Hound terminal to wait five hours for six hour bus ride to our final destination, Revelstoke, B.C.

Dear Greyhound,

I have been taking your buses for more than 30 years. During that time, I have learned to set my expectations for customer service low and my expectations for normal behavior from fellow passengers even lower. Your bus operation in Calgary, has forced me to reset my expectations.

Here's what happened on Feb 24:

At the Calgary Greyhound terminal, I approached the check-in counter. Middle-aged agent was chatting with a co-worker. I waited. He chatted. I waited some more. He glanced at me and chatted some more. Eventually, he answered my question.

An hour later, I approached check-in counter. I posed question to over-weight female agent. She typed into terminal with her one good hand. hunt. peck. hunt. peck. hunt. peck.

The bus arrived. Passengers lined up in front of a small desk in front of the gate. A twenty-something guy in a uniform put on a pair of plastic surgical gloves. Behind him, a large woman in uniform twirled a large black device about the size of a night-stick.

He searched everyone's carry on bags. He made remarks, like:

"You can't take those cupcakes on board, unless you give me a bite, hey?"

He is a funny man.

He searched my bag. Bag all set. I had a pair of ski boots attached by a strap.

Funny man in uniform: "Can't let you take those boots on. You'll have to check them for under the bus."

Me: "Is there any chance you could let me slide? These boots are my babies and they cost $900."

Funny man: "With that strap, you could swing them around like a pair of numbchuks."

Me: "What if I promise not to swing my $900 ski boots like numbchuks?"

He says OK.

The big woman with night stick-device, runs it along my the front of my legs, over my crotch, around my ass.

Big woman: "Turn around."

She runs device over my ass, down back of my thighs. I appreciate her thoroughness; I haven't had this much action in months.

Ski Trip to B.C.: Slippery Cab Driver, Delta Surprise

2010-02-26T07:55:00.000-08:00

I am writing from a remote ski area in Revelstoke, British Columbia.

To get here I was supposed to fly to Minnesota, hop on flight to Calgary, and take six-hour Greyhound bus to Revelstoke. Travel time about 22 hours.

Wednesday
5:00 a.m.: alarm goes off.

5:30: Sleazy Travel Experience #1
my ski partner (not life partner, ski partner) get into local cab. (phone: 617 492-1100, don't ever use these guys)

Cab Driver: "With toll and charge station wagon, how does $40 to the airport, sound?"

Me: "What's wrong the meter?"

In the past, a ride to airport cost about $30.

Cab Driver: "I was just trying to make it simple."

Me: What's wrong with the meter?"

He turns on meter.

Cab Driver: "Which way do you want to go?"

He's trying to determine if I know the way. If I don't he'll probably take the scenic route through Vermont.

Me: "Go down Concord ave. and take a right."

Me: "No, not that right, that's one-way street."

And this year's Academy award for best actor pretending to be an innocent cab driver goes to --

Cab Driver: "You guys from around here?"

Me: "I've lived here for 20 years and used to take cabs from your company, until a driver tried to rip me off."

Cab Driver: "I'm from Revere."

That explains a lot.

We arrive at airport. Cab meter says "$20."

Cab driver becomes Mr. Helpful and takes our ski bags and other luggage from the car, places it gingerly on the curb. He and I don't look at each other. Erik pays him $20 for the ride, plus $10 for tolls and fee for using a station wagon. He adds $5 for tip.

5:40 a.m. Approach Delta check-in lady.

"You'll have to go the international counter. It's down there." She points to counter 50 yards away.

We lug 8-foot ski bags, boots, and carry ons to international counter.

Me: "We're supposed to catch the 8:00 flight to Minnesota and on to Calgary."

She takes our passports and starts typing into terminal. She types and types. She calls over a woman in a red blazer. Woman in red blazer starts typing on another terminal.

Type, type, type.

Reading from Novel: Why I'm Over 40 and Still Single

2010-02-16T09:40:00.000-08:00

Randy Reading from Travel Memoir in Progress

2009-11-30T07:08:00.000-08:00

World's Best Suitcase

2009-11-12T22:04:00.001-08:00

Buy a Backpack Not a Suitcase

If you're taking a big international trip, bag the suitcase and go with a backpack. Your arms, shoulders, and back will thank you.

The first time I shopped for a travel backpack, I didn't do much homework. I went to a local super store that catered to outdoor enthusiasts. Inside, it was the size of a national park. The floor was a herringbone maze of aisles displaying gizmos with digital readouts and clothes with more pockets than a four-piece luggage set.

I tracked down a salesman who had just traveled through Southeast Asia. As he leaned against a rack of overpriced travel pants, he raved about the cheap massages in Bangkok. He raved about the cheap massages in Koh Samui. He raved about the cheap massages in Phuket. He seemed a little too knowledgeable about the subject, so I avoided shaking his hand.

I tried on a few packs and settled on a man's large. The clerk loaded it with 30 pounds of weight, and I took it for a 15-minute spin. I tried running as if being chased by South African street thugs. I tried moving my hands around as if I were fending off frisky Bangkok masseuses offering multi-visit specials. I tried balancing on one leg for no reason at all.

It was good spending the time because the bag jabbed me just about everywhere. The clerk recommended I try a medium that was available at another store. Between finding the clerk, listening to his tales, and realizing that this model didn't fit, I'd wasted nearly two hours and still didn't have a pack.

I learned about backpacks the hard way, but you don't have to. Here's the world's shortest guide to buying a backpack for long-term travel.

Key Things to Look for:

- Price
Expect to pay about $200. You may find an off-season deal or lower price on a store brand, but this is no place to skimp.

- Size
Look for something 40 to 60 liters -- about 2400 to 3700 cubic inches-- the smaller the better. Smaller size means you'll bring less and be more comfortable lugging the bag around. If you're a 120-pound woman, a fully loaded 60-liter bag maybe more than you want to deal with. In hiking lingo, you are looking for a weekend pack, two- to four- day pack, or rucksack -- you don't want an expedition pack, which is fine for climbing Mount Everest, but not for stuffing into the overhead bin of Boeing 747. Remember, you'll only be carrying a few days worth of clothes because you'll be washing them regularly. More packing tips More packing tips

- Limited access
You don't want a lot of compartments that are easily accessible from the outside. In many countries, anyone with a backpack is a good target for petty theft. If someone can reach into your bag while you're wearing it, they will.

- Comfort
A fully loaded pack can jab you in several places, most notably your lower back and inner shoulders. Lower back pain is a no-no. After trying on several packs, I got the back right, but still had some rubbing on my inner shoulders. I was able to live with it.

- Style
Avoid flashing colors and logos that imply, "I'm a rich tourist, please mug me." Also, the bag will likely include more straps than a strait-jacket. Fear not, these compression straps are relatively easy to figure out and serve to squish down all your belongings in the bag so they don't flop around while you're racing through an airport or bus terminal.

The Shopping Process:

1) Go to decent general purpose outdoor gear store like REI

REI or EMS that carries multiple brands.

2) Find a salesperson who will put a couple of different packs on you. Sizes are not standard across brands, so you may need a medium in a Northface but a large in an Osprey.

3) The salesperson should load the pack up with about 30 pounds of weight and let you tromp around the store.

4) Ask about the return policy and, as always, pay with a credit card.
5) Take the bag home and load it with your gear and walk around the neighborhood for an hour or so to see how if feels. On my trip, I knew I would be biking 10 miles with the pack, so I loaded it up and road around with it.

6) If you don't already have some kind of large, puncture-resistant bag to cover the pack, buy a pack cover. They're a total rip off at $25 or so, but they will help keep your bag clean and dry.

What I Bought: Pros and Cons

I bought a 60-liter, 3700 cubic inch Osprey Aether pack for $199 in a drab green.

Pros:
- Indestructible
- Relatively comfortable
- I could cram a lot of stuff in and on it.

Cons:
- Too big (Because I went windsurfing on my recent trip, I had to bring bulky gear, such as a harness belt, rubber booties, rash-guard shirt.)
- Some pinching in the shoulders

For more information than you'd ever want on backpacks, check out:

- Goxplore
Designed for hikers, this site includes useful information for normal travelers, such as how to pack your pack.

- Outdoorhighadventure

The information is provided by REI, which carries much of the same gear as EMS.

- Wikipedia This article discusses terminology, history, and other details.

--rr

News and Tips

2009-11-12T22:02:00.001-08:00

1) State Dept Travel Alerts and Warnings

- Guinea, Cote d'Ivoire, Philippines, Congo, Mali, Kenya. more

- India: security concerns continue. more

- China may quarantine arriving passengers exhibiting flu-like symptoms. more

2) Speed Through Airport Security

- Dress like a mensch: if you look like a grubby backpacker and have a one-way ticket to Pakistan, expect hassles. Look clean cut, and pass on through.
- Liquids: Put liquids in small travel containers. Then put them in all in clear plastic bag. Kits with containers and a bag available at places like Walgreens.
- Travel weekdays before 9:00 a.m., instead of Sundays (non-stop amateur hour) more

3) Get Your Belongings Onboard: Gadgets, Clothing
- Weigh belongings with a handheld luggage scale: $32
- Wear a hoodie with pockets, built-in neck pillow, and light shield: $100 (a little much, aye?)
- Wear a vest with 22 pockets: also $100.
more

4) Keep Your Home Safe While Traveling
- Don't blab on Facebook or Twitter that you're leaving for six months.
- Do blab to the local police.
- Get a light timer to turn lights on and off. (I bought a cheapie from Sears)
- Stop your mail or have someone pick it up.
- Unplug your TV, PC, and other appliances that draw power when "off." (protects against power spikes, saves on electric bills.) more

5) Travel Insurance: Latest Advice
- Shop around and don't buy from a travel agent.
- Find out whether your health insurance covers you overseas.
- Places to shop: Travel insurance comparison sites
* US Travel Insurance Association http://www.ustia.org/
* Squaremouth http://www.squaremouth.com/
* Insuremytrip http://www.insuremytrip.com/
- Some recommended brands: Access America, CSA Travel Protection, and Travel Guard. (I bought a Travel Guard policy for a long trip. Never used it, but it appeared to be comprehensive.) more

6) Decent Around-the-World Fare: $2000 to $2300 includes taxes, may be other fees.
NYC to Southeast Asia to Middle East to Europe to NYC (Three continents). It's through AirTreks, so be sure to ask which airlines they use and get all fees in writing. Expires 11/30/09. I got quotes from them once, pretty quick, only hitch was they used some small carriers, one of which bailed before I could buy ticket. Worth getting a quote from them and seeing if your travel agent can beat it. more

7) Detritus, Flotsam, Jetsam

- Another good reason not to smuggle heroin in Southeast Asia: A 20-year old Brit almost faced firing squad for drug smuggling in Laos. Now, she's in a U.K. prison -- and just had a child. Congrats!
more

- Another good reason to bring your bags onboard: Luggage theft by baggage handlers. more

- Train from Bangkok's international airport (Suvarnabhumi ) to downtown to open in early 2010. Bus and taxi service to the airport can be unpredictable due to traffic. more

News and Tips from My Monthly Newsletter

2009-09-21T00:39:00.001-07:00

1) Travel Alert for India

Warnings about terrorist attacks during Indian holiday season. Alert expires on 10/30/09. more

2) Get Best Seats on the Plane

- Don't travel on Fridays and Sundays.
- Bribe the gate agent.
- Dress like a mensch more

3) Top Travel Scams and How to Avoid Them
- Hotels that lie about proximity to beaches, airports etc. (check location in Google Maps)
- Dangerous knock offs, such as pharmaceuticals.
- Money changers.
- Taxis. more
- New scam in Thailand: Jet ski rentals companies that charge for questionable damage. more

4) More Untested Tips for Avoiding Jet Lag
- Wear loose footwear
- Eat dried cherries.
- Spend 20 minutes in direct sunlight without sunglasses upon landing at destination.
- Eat carbs to sleep, and fats and protein to stay awake.
- Allow one day to recover for every hour time difference you experience. more

5) Best Smartphone for International Travelers

The BlackBerry Tour 9630 lots of features but lacks Wi-Fi.
more

6) Detritus, Flotsam, Jetsam

- Swine Flu Prevention in France: Government asks people to stop
greeting each other by kissing. more

- World's Weirdest Foods: Pig blood cake, grasshopper (with or without legs), snake wine (Tasty: I can vouch for it), donkey.
more

- Top Beaches for Shark Attacks: Hong Kong, South Africa, Costa Rica, Brazil. more
- Little Bakery of Horrors: bread sculpted to look like body parts. Not for the squeamish. more

More News

One Day at the Travel Clinic

2009-09-21T00:36:00.001-07:00

Cholera, plague, typhoid, typhus, river blindness, rotavirus, norovirus, hantavirus, head lice, hemorrhagic fever, yellow fever, chikungunya fever, dengue fever, diphtheria, and dysentery. This was just a sampling of the ailments I could encounter on an upcoming four-month trip around the world. According to the experts, I wasn't supposed to eat the food, drink the water, or kiss the women. Walking barefoot and swimming in fresh water were definitely out. Still, there was one thing I dreaded more than any ghastly Third-World disease: the pre-trip visit to a vaccine clinic.
Eight weeks before my departure date, I found myself in the waiting room of a Boston clinic. While the patients around me chirped excitedly about their upcoming trips, I focused on my breathing. Deep full inhalation, long slow exhalation.

Finally, a woman in a unisex lab coat called my name and hustled me into her office.
"So, where are we off to?" she asked.
"Venezuela, Greece, South Africa, Thailand, Australia, Vietnam, and possibly Burma, Cambodia or Laos," I said.
"How exciting. Must be nice to get so much time off."
"Actually I just lost my job."
"Oh," she said, recoiling as if I had already contracted some communicable disease.
She struck a few keys on her computer and announced with glee that I'd need seven shots. Better yet, I couldn't get them all in one visit, or even two. I'd have to come back three times.
Next, she printed maps highlighting the malarial zones for seven countries on my itinerary. On several maps, she noted which drugs to take in case I contracted an exotic case of the runs. In Cambodia and Vietnam I'd take Ciprofloxacin. In Thailand, it would be Azithromycin. By the time the woman finished with me, I was afraid to leave my apartment, never mind the country.
Visiting a travel clinic will likely not be the most enjoyable part of your trip, but it's still a necessity.
- To find a clinic near you.
- Centers for Disease Control and Prevention travel health info
- World Health Organization travel health info.

- List of 58 scary diseases you can contract while traveling
- Tips and common sense for avoiding food poisoning.
- Customs officials in foreign countries use tougher health questionnaires.
- Twelve tips for healthier travel.

How to Have a Rotten Time in Athens

2009-08-27T01:52:00.001-07:00

Only have a couple of days in the ancient city? Follow our guide to making the most of a short stay.

Day One:
1) Observe the madcap Greek police in action.
In June 2007, a video posted on youtube showed authorities at the Omonia subway station ordering two young men to take turns smacking each other in the face. The two had been arrested for mugging an elderly woman. In the video, a police officer in a stylish black t-shirt and trendy jeans, jabs each of the detainees with a long stick to encourage them to hit each other. Four officers were suspended and charged with brutality. What rascals!

2) Contemplate the awesome power of a forest fire.
Through the summer of 2007, a series of infernos broke out across Greece. During the fourth week of July, 100 fires a day broke out. In total, about 1160 square miles of agricultural and farmland were destroyed. While some of the fires were believed to have been caused by environmental factors -- such as a summer heat wave with temperatures over 105 degrees -- others were not. Greek police announced the capture of three arsonists. Greece's ruling political party insinuated that the main opposition party may have been involved. Sing-alongs welcome.

3) Cheer wildly at a volleyball game in picturesque Peania.
In March 2007, a 22-year-old fan was stabbed and then beaten by other fans following a women's game in Peania, which is about 20 miles from Athens. A total of 18 fans were arrested with 12 of them charged with felonies. Go team go!

4) Evening is free

Day Two:

1) Experience an earthquake
Greece frequently experiences quakes and tremors and has an occasional whopper. In September 1999, a quake killed 143 people, injured 1,600, left 50,000 homeless, and damaged or destroyed 53,000 buildings in the Athens area. The preliminary damage was estimated at $655 million. Shake, rattle, roll.

2) Thrill to the sights, sounds, and smells of a workers' strike.
Like workers in other European countries, the Greeks enjoy a good employment strike. The U.S. State Department says that strikes are generally orderly, but they can get exciting, particularly in Athens. "There have been recent incidents…in which unruly protestors engaged in aggressive confrontations with police, often in areas frequented by tourists. Riot control procedures often include the use of tear gas." Bring it on…

3) Take in a rocket-propelled grenade attack.
Apparently, strikers aren't the only disgruntled Greeks. Some domestic radical groups act out locally against both domestic and foreign targets. In January 2007, a group called the Revolutionary Struggle fired a rocket-propelled grenade at the U.S. Embassy. There was minor damage, and no injuries. Cool, man, cool.

4) Evening is free.

Estimate the Cost of a Long Trip

2009-08-27T01:49:00.001-07:00

If you're planning a long trip in today's economy, you've got less room for error than you used to. Returning home with big surprises on your credit card isn't an option.

This article will help you develop a rough idea of what your trip is going to cost -- and if you can afford it -- before you fork over any cash. In addition, we've created an easy-to-use calculation spreadsheet to simplify the process even further.

Destinations and accommodations are two of the biggest factors that affect the cost of a trip. For airfare, we'll use estimates based on currently available fares.

Destinations

Travel in the developing world is substantially cheaper than the Western world. A week in Hanoi with a hostel dorm room, food and drink can run you as little as $140 a week. That's about $10 a night for the room and about $10 a day for a couple of meals and drinks from street vendors. An inexpensive room in Melbourne, Australia, plus food can run three times as much. Europe, Canada, South Africa, the U.K., New Zealand -- they're all pricey.

But if heading West is your goal, all is not lost. Be sure check the currency exchange rates before you go.

Accommodations

Hostels aren't just for kids anymore. On a recent trip, we stayed at hostels in five different countries. This cut our accommodation costs by at least half. Most hostels were decent. A few were stellar. A couple were barely bearable. Check out our review of hostels and guest houses.

We're not big on staying in dorm rooms, so we always forked out for a single. In a Hanoi hostel, our single room bumped our bill weekly room and board to about $200 a week, which is still much cheaper than Australia.

Naturally, if you want to spend $500 a night, you can do that anywhere in the world -- even in a small beachside town in Vietnam.

Flights, Travel Insurance, and Contingency

The cheapest way to fly is to find a special on one of the sites that

The cheapest way to fly is to find a special on one of the sites that specializes in long term travel, like Airtreks or Airbrokers. Often these outfits use lesser-known airlines, so get all this information upfront before you hand over a credit card. If you've got more to spend or a travel agent you like, check out around-the-world fares on Oneworld or Star Alliance. Get estimates from a few of these companies and then play them against a local travel agent.

For the purpose of this article, we'll assume airfare for a low-cost trip focusing on developing countries at about $3,000. We'll add another 15 percent for traveler's insurance, which will include medical insurance, trip interruption, and evacuation in case of emergency for four months of travel.

At this point, you should have a subtotal for room, board, flight, and insurance. Then add another 20 percent for contingency (in-country travel, entertainment, and miscellaneous items). If this is your first time on an extended trip, you may need to purchase gear, such as a backpack, and other items that could add another $600.

Then enter your numbers into our budget-estimation spreadsheet.

Click here to see sample budgets.

May the numbers be with you.

--rr

Bungee Jumping, River-Boarding, and Other Active Overseas Activities

2009-08-09T08:50:00.001-07:00

I wake at 8:00 a.m. and my stomach is churning like a blender filled with margaritas. I am in Storms River, South Africa, and about to go bungee jumping for the first time. A driver takes me to the Bloukrans Bridge jump site, which is about 710 feet high.

For a little perspective, 710 feet is the equivalent of two Statues of Liberty stacked on top of each other. Or put another way, I'm going to take an elevator halfway up the Empire State Building and then jump out of one of the windows.

I get weighed and strapped into a strappy chest harness. To get to the jump platform, I totter along a chain-link metal catwalk. I can see through the links to the rocks and boulders that drop away to a thread of river 700-feet below up. The catwalk flexes underfoot with each step. I've taken meditation before, so I attempt to calm my mind and follow my breathing. A soothing image comes to me: I am home in my bed hugging my night-night.

The walkway ends on an open concrete platform where techno music is booming. The other bungee jumpers are hopping in time to the music. I become quiet and pace around focusing on the lines and stains on the concrete slab floor. I'll be jumping second. My hands start to shake, so I put them in my pockets.

The first person is called to the edge of the platform and jumps without much fanfare. I'm called to the platform. The attendants tell me to sit. They bind up my ankles with a padded collar that attaches to the bungee cord, which is about as thick as a sink pipe.

The whole apparatus is so clumsy that I can't walk, so the attendants walk me to the edge of the platform. One of them puts his hand under my chin to prevent me from looking down. I look straight out and can feel tears in my eyes. My breathing is shallow; I think it may have stopped altogether. The attendants try to talk to me.

"Mr. Ross, where you from?"
"U.S."
"Nice. You have good rugby team, hey?" they laugh, referring to the fact that the U.S. team just got creamed by the South Africans team two nights ago in the World Cup.
My eyes are open but I can't see anything.
"We gonna count to three, then do a nice swan dive for us, arms out, hey?"
"Whatever you say."
The attendants start counting.
"One, two, three. Jump!"
They push me forward and I scream, "Mommy!"

In bungee jumping your body can accelerate from zero to ninety miles per hour in about five seconds. A $200,000 Lamborghini goes from zero to ninety in about eight seconds. I'm used to driving a Honda Civic, which goes from zero to ninety in about eight minutes.

As I'm falling, I feel like I'm on a plane that has hit an air pocket and is plunging 70 stories. I also feel as if someone has grabbed my stomach and they're trying to pull it out through my ears. Gradually, the collars tighten around my ankles and I stop falling. I open my eyes as I bounce back up towards the sky.

I actually enjoyed the experience and I jumped two more times. If you're interested in adventure sports or just want to break up the sight-seeing on your next trip, here are some links to get you started.

Bungee jumping where I went in South Africa

Bungee jumping in Macau, New Zealand, and other spots.

River boarding (white-water rafting without a raft) in New Zealand.

For windsurfing and kitesurfing abroad see Vela or Club Mistral.

This company offers exercise bootcamps in Kenya and Greece, see Wildfitness.

--rr

How to Use a Squat Toilet

2009-08-04T21:52:00.001-07:00

Squat toilets range from gleaming porcelain models in international airports to holes in the floor that empty into a pig sty on the ground below. Some have toilet paper, others an old magazine, and others no visible means of wiping.
To avoid embarrassment and messing up your Tevas, here are several links, to, um, get you going.

Graphic and funny
Step-by-step

Solo Travel: Pros, Cons, Tips

2009-08-04T21:50:00.001-07:00

A friend was recently planning a trip to Southeast Asia and his travel partner bailed. Then a second partner started to waffle. I suggested he skip the nonsense and take the trip himself. But traveling solo can be a scary proposition. Here's a look at the pros and how to deal with the cons.
PROs:
1) You can do what you want, when you want.
You can be spontaneous, a spendthrift, and a cheapskate, as your mood and budget dictate.
2) You don't need to worry about matching someone else's vacation schedule.
How many people do you know can take off for two weeks or two months? Of those, who has got the money to do so?
3) You'll meet more people and lose fewer friends.
- Traveling solo will force you to interact with strangers and strangers will also be comfortable approaching you -- for better or worse.)
- For a long trip, you have to pick your travel companions carefully.
That friend who is fun at parties might not be fun 24-hours-a-day or after a 10-hour red-eye. They may kvetch, have weird food allergies, or worry constantly about their house-sitter and sick cats.
CONs:
1) Loneliness and all its parts.
- It's part of the experience and will come and go. Just let it happen. But, as a solo traveler, you will meet more people, particularly locals, than you would with a traveling companion.
- Some Web sites can help you find a travel companion. I've never tried this, but it's free and worth a look. I performed a quick search for men and women going to Asia and found a bunch. Some were looking for only platonic partners , others were open to a little romance.

- Dining alone: eat at the bar or at an outdoor café as opposed to a fancy restaurant where you'll be at an empty table for two, bring a book or other hobby. For more tips.
2) Safety Concerns
- If you read enough travel literature, particularly government travel sites, you'll never leave the country. Use common sense and check out basic tips at the following sites.
- Women traveling solo need to be more careful
3) Single Supplement:
Some hotels, hostels, and tours may charge additional fees -- up to 100 percent -- to solo travelers. At hostels, I just paid the fee -- it was worth it to have my own room. If you're tight on cash, you can stay in a dorm, which charges by the bed. Some tours will match you with a roommate -- ask.
--rr

Squat Toilets 101

2009-07-02T02:51:00.001-07:00

Squat Toilets
Squat toilets range from gleaming porcelain models in international airports to holes in the floor that empty into a pig sty on the ground below. Some have toilet paper, others an old magazine, and others no visible means of wiping.

To avoid embarrassment and messing up your Tevas, here are several links, to, um, get you going.

I'm Restarting this Blog

2009-06-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Reader,

Yesterday, I sent out a How-To article on doing laundry while traveling. The piece was recently published in my monthly newsletter and on my travel Web site, Rosstravels.com.

I will continue to update this blog with new travel stories, articles, and excerpts from a travel memoir manuscript that I am currently circulating to agents.

I apologize for any confusion,

--rr

Laundry While Traveling

2009-06-26T09:07:00.001-07:00

On a recent trip, a woman joked that she could wear her G-string underwear six days in a row. Each day, she could rotate the underwear so as to be covered by a different of one the garment's three corners. After three days, she'd turn it inside out and repeat.

That would be one way to minimize laundry requirements on a long trip. But it's not necessary. Here's a quick and dirty guide to doing laundry on the road.

1) Bring the right outfits.

- Purchase sturdy, quick-drying camping clothes -- underwear, socks, shorts, long pants, long-sleeved shirts -- from an outdoor outfitter or camping gear store like REI or Eastern Mountain Sports.

- Ideally, you want clothing that has a high sunblock rating. I like the long-sleeved, synthetic ski undershirts and I've never gotten sunburned wearing one. Most of the clothing will be nylon or some other synthetic.

- Spend the money and get good stuff. On a four-month trip, I brought two pairs of long pants, a bathing suit that doubled as shorts, a pair of long swim tights, four pairs of underwear, two long-sleeved shirts (one with a collar, one without), a short-sleeved shirt, and four pairs of socks.

- On a long trip, avoid bringing anything denim or cotton: it takes forever to dry and, if it gets wet while you're wearing it, you'll be in for a cold, miserable day.

- I also pick long pants and shorts with liners, as a backup in case I run out of underwear.

2) Do laundry at hostels

- Many hostels have laundry machines. Some are cheap to use, others are a rip off.

- They can be a hassle if they require lots of coins or there's line of grubby-looking folks ahead of you.

3) Send laundry out

Many places Southeast Asia, it's very cheap to have your laundry done. I had clothes cleaned in Phnom Penh numerous times and they always came back folded and sweet-smelling. The price: a couple of dollars for virtually everything I brought.

4) Do it by hand

Tips
- In many cases, this is probably the best solution.

- Drying time is effected by the climate. If you're somewhere hot like Venezuela or Australia, you can hand wash at night, put your clothers on the balcony and they'll be dry in the morning. If you're some place cold and damp, like spring in South Africa, factor in some takes longer to dry -- something to consider if you're only going to be some place for a few nights.

- Do clothes in small batches, so this doesn't become an onerous chore. I typically wash the clothes I wore on a particular day, when I take my evening shower.

- Some experts will tell you to bring a flat rubber drain stopper for soaking and washing-- I brought one and and never used it.

- Don't ask hostels or guest houses or hotels if it's ok, just do it.

Technique:
- Shower with clothes on.

- Soap with clothes on.

- Rinse with clothes on.
- Remove clothes, wring, and, if possible, hang outside on porch to dry overnight.

- If clothes smell particularly gamey, pretreat by jumping into swimming pool before showering.

Related tips on Packing for an extended trip:

- Advice and spreadsheet of what I brought on an around the world trip in 2007. (too much crap.)

- More Packing Tips

Old but still useful guide on how to buy backpack for travel (I still have and use mine)

2009-03-31T20:21:00.000-07:00

Chapter 1: Margarita Island, Venezuela:
Windsurfing, implants, comrade Hugo Chavez.

Chapter 2: Karpathos, Greece:
Why bipolar foreign women are no fun.

Chapter 3: Garden Route, South Africa:
The 700-foot bungee jump that goes nowhere.

Chapter 4: Bangkok and Vietnam:
Never date anyone with an Adam's apple bigger than yours

Chapter 5: Phnom Penh and Agkor Wat, Cambodia:
A rat in the lobby, one day at the massage parlor.

Chapter 6: Melbourne, Australia:
A scene from Papillon, 33,000 high schoolies on break.

Chapter 7: North and South Island, New Zealand:
Where political correctness is for girls.

Read more world travel tips and humor at rosstravels.com

Bungy Shots from 147 Meter Jump; I'm Home

2007-12-22T01:45:00.001-08:00

I'm in the stirrups and about to be trussed up like a Christmas pig.

My eyes are probably shut, so I'm missing the great view of the river.

Side view: I'm the little blue thing on the end of the cord. I've fallen about half way. The cord will be totally taught when I reach the bottom of the jump.

Milford Sound, Shmilford Sound

2007-12-17T01:59:00.000-08:00

The Milford Sound is a key part of Fiordland National Park, which has been designated as a World Heritage site. When I heard this from our tour guide, I started to shake uncontrollably and became queasy -- Angkor Wat is also a World Heritage site and that was an overpriced waste of time.

The Milford Sound trip is composed of the following:
- 4 hour bus trip to the sound
- 1.5 hour hour cruise around the sound; soggy chicken sandwich
- 4 hour bus trip back to Queenstown
- $127 bill

The bus picked us up at 8:00, so the trip provided a good chance to catch up on our sleep. My biggest gripe is the scenery is pretty monotonous: Plants, rocks, trees, mountains, river, waterfalls, repeat for 9.5 hours. The boat trip was also a letdown. The water was dark green, like the Boston Harbor. The only wildlife we saw was fat, lazy seals lying on some rocks. The seals at the Boston Aquarium are more active.

At the risk of sounding like a whiner, Randystravels surveyed some people who took the trip. When we asked what they thought, initially, they would say "it was nice." (Who wants to bash a World Heritage site?) When asked if the trip lived up to it promise, we got the following responses.
"No."
"What a rip off."
"What a load of crap."

My Own World Heritage Sites

Obviously, those who designate world heritage status know very little about the world. So, I have come up with my own sites of exceptional beauty and culture.

- Sok San Palace, Siem Riep, Cambodia
Must see: Lady boy go-go dancers
- Central Market, Phnom Penh
Must see: dried larvae and dried snake snacks
- Saigon, Vietnam
Must see: Moped mayhem during rush hour
- North to South highway, Vietnam
Must see: Highway stop with trough urinal 4 feet from kitchen

Queenstown Activities: Bungy, River Boarding

2007-12-17T00:52:00.000-08:00

Queenstown bills itself as the adventure activity center of the world or some such. So I sampled some of the activities.

1) Canyon Swing ($135)
I previously sent description and photos. Here is a little more detail.

Free Fall:
Once you jump off the platform, you fall for about 3 seconds before the device catches you. That 3 seconds seems like 3 hours. It is called free fall.

Anticipation: The Worst part
The prejump anxiety is brutal: all the hanging around on the platform waiting to jump, watching other people jump. Finally, it's your turn and they harness you into the device. With a bungy jump, you are trussed up by your feet. With the Canyon Swing, the harness attaches to your waist. Most people who did the swing, were shaking from the adrenalin rush for a while once they were done. A couple of people were unphased and did it multiple times. One middle-aged woman who came just to watch her husband, did it herself.

2) Luge ($32)
A ski lift takes you to the top of small mountain. You ride little go carts down a paved track. It was surprisingly hairy, particularly if you're a bad driver like I am. You get five rides and you can also watch people paraglide off the top of the mountain or watch a small bungy jump that operates on the same mountain. That jump is 150 feet or about 15 stories. The free fall, time before the bungy catches you, is about 2 seconds.

3) Nevis Bungy Jump ($176)
At 134 meter, 440 feet, or 44 stories, this is the fifth highest bungy jump in the world. According the the bungy staff here are the 5 largest bungy jumps in the world:

1) Macau (230 meters)
2) South Africa (213 meters, about 77 stories) I did this one in October.
3) Switzerlad (209 meters)
4) Nepal (196 meters)
5) New Zealand, Nevis (134 meters).

*Note: Abu Dhabi is supposed to be building the world's highest bungy jump.

The Nevis is particularly unpleasant because you are jumping from a cable-car suspended over a canyon. The jump platform is about the size of a bathroom scale, just long enough for you to take two steps before you're airborne. (The South African bungy was part of a bridge and you had a nice wide platform. The Canyon swing also had a wide platform. With the Nevis, you really feel like you are walking the plank by yourself.)

In addition, when the jumper reaches the end of his free fall and the bungy cord catches them, the whole cable car jerks, as if someone had just thrown a dead body over the side.

To make matters worse, we had a freak out: one woman was harnessed up, stood on the platform, and then couldn't jump. She was terrified and rattled our whole group. It is a contagious situation almost like when there is a group of young children and one starts crying and then the rest start to cry. The rest of us were ready to cry.

For me, the anticipation is lot like the anxiety I feel before public speaking. I'm just able to contain the churning in my stomach and the shaking of my hands. But once I go, I'm fine.

I got to the edge of the bungy platform, looked down at the rocks and river below. They looked far away. The platform attendent counted to 3, I jumped and screamed as loud as I could. (I always scream.) You plummet and hit a top speed of about 90 miles an hour and then the bungy cord stops you and you bounce back up toward the platform.

One thing for those number crunchers out there: On a cost per meter basis, the Nevis is quite the rip off when you compare it to the South African bungy.
South African: $80 for 213 meters or 38 cents per meter
Nevis: $176 for 134 meters or $1.31 per meter.

By the way, the woman who freaked out, eventually jumped. She waited till everyone else had gone and then she just got on the platform and jumped. She was the bravest of all. She had gone sky diving the day before and said the bungy was much scarier.

4) River Boarding ($111)
Most activities overhype and under deliver. This one was a pleasant surprise -- everyone who did it nearly drowned and was surprised at how hard it was. River boarding is like white-water rafting without the raft. Instead of sitting in a cushy rubber boat, you ride an oversized kickboard, commonly known as a boogie board, through the waves and roiling water. (This activity was on grade 3 rapids, which is so mild as not to be not worth the bother on a raft. )

Why this was so difficult:
- the boards are hard to control in a swirling rapid filled river
- the participants were not strong swimmers (like me)
- like many activities, the guides spend a lot of time explaining the most obvious things , like follow us down the river, don't fall asleep on your board, don't pee in your wetsuit. But they don't discuss some of the more complex things. For example, at one point, a French guy, who barely spoke English, and I had to be rescued by one of the guides. We were preparing to go into a more difficult section of the river and the guide, who was also a little shaken up, told us to remember to do a "duck dive" through the next set of rapids. I had taken a surfing class and knew that a duck dive was a very specific move. (Not that I could do it). The French guy may have caught the word "duck," if he was lucky. So, he and I got a 2-minute instruction on how to do a duck dive: stay on your board and try to go under the wave of water coming your way.

Anyway, the activity was strenuous but excellent. The scenery was nice. The water was drinkable. I spent the last 20 minutes of our ride on the river, relaxing on my board and peeing in my wet suit.

Casualties:
- a middle-aged woman ripped open a previously stitched up gash on her nose. She got the original gash doing the 12-foot water fall on the white water rafting trip on the North Island. In her rafting incident, her boat went over the waterfall and bent in half. Her face hit the helmet of the guy in front of her. She had to go to the hospital where she received 7 or so stitches. She said her nostril was just hanging like a flap of skin. She also got a black eye. A guy on her boat broke 2 ribs. (When I did this waterfall, a woman in another boat had to be carted off. We don't know what happened to her.)
- lots of sore, cramped calf muscles.

Canyon Swing with photos

2007-12-16T23:58:00.000-08:00

This activity is called the Canyon Swing. It is like a bungy jump, but instead of bouncing up and down when you reach the bottom, you swing back and forth. I jumped off a platform that was about 360 feet, or 36 stories, high.

The company's marketing material includes the following quote from a customer: "Even my shit was scared."

People who are very brave jump off backwards, or with a bucket over their head, or even upside down. I am not very brave, so I went standard missionary position, jumping straight out and yelling "mommy!"

All's Well in Wellington; Night in Nelson

2007-12-10T02:34:00.000-08:00

The next morning we were off to Wellington, the southern most major city on the North Island. It has a lively bar scene and is also the town where you catch the ferry to the South Island.

When we reached Wellington, the driver gave us a tour and we all got off the bus. To my surprise, the fireman came over and invited me to go out with the gang that night. I was sure they thought I was too old, too square, or too something to hang out with them for another evening. I, on the other hand, wasn't as friendly as they were and wasn't interested in spending another evening with them...unless I could get the Korean girl to go. I approached her. We made polite chit-chat and then I asked for the order. (I was not feeling particularly social or confident after the previous night, so this took some effort.)

"Hey, a bunch of us are going out tonight. Do you want to go?" I asked.
"I already have plans this evening. Will you be heading to Queenstown later in the week?"

Even though her English appeared to be marginal, her blow-off skills were quit sharp.

At the Hostel Bar

I went to the local gym (Les Mills, they let me in for free when I told them I was a poor American). Then I went to see movie "Into the Wild." (As good as the book) Then I went to the bar at the hostel. I spoke to a group of New Zealand airforce guys who were holding a stag party. They were all hammered. They liked me. They invited me to go with them to the section of town with all the strip joints. I did the calculations in my head: drunk military guys plus girlie joints plus hangover from night before. I passed.

Later that evening, a group of locals came in to celebrate someone's 21st birthday. Here are the highlights of the celebration:
- guy annoys girl
- girl spits on guy
- guy chases girl around bar and spits on her
- girl follows guy outside bar and throws drink on him, glass and all
- guy slaps girl in the nose
- bouncers intervene.
- I have enough entertainment for one evening and go to bed.

Nelson, South Island

Once again, we had to be up and out by 8:00 am. Being that I've been going to bed at 2:00, I've developed a routine where I'm sleeping for a few hours in the morning while we're traveling. Up to this point, I've been sleeping on the bus. Today, we took a 3-our ferry ride to the South Island. I slept the whole time. When we got back on the bus, there was a new cast of characters. Of particular interest: a very attractive woman from Holland. In Vietnam, the Dutch folks I met were among the most interesting. They also tended to be a little older and for some reason --maybe the age--I just clicked with them.

We drove for most of the day on the bus and pulled into a town called Nelson. The hostel (Paradiso, $50), was a little ways from town and most people stayed in for the evening. At 6:00, the hostel served free vegetarian soup. They also had jar of cayenne pepper. I put a teaspoon of pepper into my soup. The Dutch woman was sitting at a long table. I sat opposite her and tried to interject myself into the conversation that was going on. As I worked my through the soup, the heat from the cayenne pepper was starting build. My eyes were starting to bulge and water. My nose was starting to run. I looked like someone who had contracted Ebola virus. I was probably not making a very good impression. She asked if I was ok. I knew if I tried to talk I'd start gagging and probably spray her with soup. I nodded that I was fine.

Then everyone started preparing dinner. I left to do some laundry and buy dinner. When I got back I squeezed in next to her. We started talking. She complained about the young age of the group and how all they wanted to do was drink. She had been traveling for 6 months and had spent part of the time volunteering in an AIDs hospital in South Africa. She said in Holland typically you can take a year of unpaid sabatical after working for 5 years -- and you get your job back. She had been to Cambodia and Vietnam. We had plety to talk about. Then disappointment: She was going to stay in Nelson for another day. Nobody spends two days in Nelson. She said another Dutch girl whom she had just met was traveling solo and had glommed onto her. The glommer was upset because they weren't spending enough time together. To avoid confrontation, she decided to stay another day and let the glommer disappear on the next day's bus.

Also, at the hostel: a woman whom I had met earlier in my trip who was in her late 30's and great company. In addition, I met another "adult" woman. Both women were from England and referred to themselves as the "old birds." The three of us became fast friends.

And finally, a guy formerly from Boston who graduated college 5 years ago and has assembled a nice lifestle for himself. He lives in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, and works in a ski shop during the winter and leads trout fishin trips in the summer. He said he typically skis over 100 days a season. (I ski a lot and barely make it to the slopes 25 days.)

Next Day

We drove to a town called Greymouth. On the way we saw some sites (pancake rocks -- large rocks in the water.) The sites bored me. I won't bore you. Greymouth is a small remote town on New Zealand's West Coast. The West Coast is known for it's coal production and coal disasters. It's got an industrial, down a the heels feel, it's kind of like the Revere of New Zealand's West Coast. Outside the hostel (Neptune's, $33) I noticed a familiar smell: rotting fish and urine. I do miss Cambodia.

More New Zealand Miscellania
- lots of people roll their own cigarettes here
- the slogan for the New Zealand armed forces: "Kiwis armed to make a difference." My question: why would you use the name of the world's most defenseless animal in your military slogan?
- sign on the wall in bathroom of our hostel: "Our hot water is produced using coal. Please take care as it can be very hot." Interesting.

If It's Wednesday, This Must Be Taupo

2007-12-09T04:52:00.000-08:00

I was now at a hostel called the YHA Taupo ($50)

Taupo is small town on a massive lake. The scenery inspired me and I went running for the first time in 5 days. (my sciatica was still active but much better. )

One thing worth noting: On these bus tours, the crowd on the bus changes constantly, which has its good and bad points. If you meet a group you don't like, you may only be stuck with them for a couple of nights. If you meet a group you like, you may split up and not see them again.

My bus group at this point was on the young side, big drinkers, and I didn't really bond with them.

The cast:
- Brother and sister from Brazil
Most of us thought they were a couple until they each started hitting on other people.
- The untouchables
Two very attractive women, who were nice enough but none of the guys really had a shot with them.
- The Irish girls
Fun, loud, hard drinking, not so attractive. Capable of a serious conversation when separated from the group.
- English fireman
Life of the party. Looked older than the girls, but bless his heart, he had them all going. He was very funny and a nice guy. And he could drink a lot.
- Korean girl
I'm think I'm developing a thing for Asians. Not really part of the group. Unclear who she socialized with. Her English was marginal, which meant she came across as aloof and lacking in social skills. We obviously had a lot in common.
- Bus driver
Loved driving big rigs like trucks and buses. He'd been doing it for 11 years. He was also a big drinker. He and the English guy got along famously.

A Night Out

The bus driver told us about a restaurant that would offer us a discount. The Korean girl had not decided to show up at my door in her lingerie, so I was free for the evening.

I went to the restaurant. The group (everyone but the Korean girl and bus driver) went and sat in the back of the restaurant at a big table. I didn't feel that comfortable around the group, so I joined the driver who was sitting at the bar. (The Korean girl didn't come out with us.) He talked about trucks, buses, differentials, transmissions, how some rigs have 18 gears and some have less. I listened. At least I was not sitting there by myself. I was thinking of suggesting we join the group when he suggested it first.

At the dinner table, I spoke to one of the Irish girls and she said the following about why divorce is so low in Ireland:
- people marry late, typically in late 20's.
- they usually marry someone they've been dating for more than 5 years
- by law to divorce someone, you have to be separated for 7 years.

Other useful information I picked up during dinner:
- women who wear g-strings can use a single pair for 6 days. (apparently, you use a different corner of the g-string each day. Then turn it inside out and repeat.)
- Australians and New Zealanders seem to suffer from some sexual confusion. The men call each other "cunts." Women are often referred to as "mate" by business and service personnel. For example, our bus driver often said things to the girls like "Can I help you with that suitcase, mate."

After dinner, the group went to a bar next store. I followed. The DJ was playing hip hop. I don't like hip hop. The group went out on the dance floor and danced together. I followed. Each guy in the group danced into the center of the group and performed some macho feat. The bus driver did a one-armed push-up and a one-legged squat. Impressive. The fireman put a pack of cigarettes on the ground, stood and spread his legs, and bent over and grabbed the cigarette pack with his mouth. I did nothing. It was time for me to move on.

I circulated and started talking to a couple from San Diego. The guy and I spoke about the Red Sox and Patriots. The girl had a nose ring that made her look like a bull. She got bored with us and went to the bathroom. In passing, the guy mentioned that she was his "kind of girlfriend" and that their relationship was on it's way out. I got the impression she wasn't aware of this development. I find it interesting how people (including me) will disclose these kinds of personal details to complete strangers.

The girlfriend came back. The three of us hung out for a while. She is one of the first girls with a nose ring that I've ever found attractive. I kept that information to myself and went home.

The Next Day

We were back on the bus and some bonding had apparently taken place the night before. The fireman and the Brazillian girl were now an item. Her brother was making the moves on one of the Irish girls, but it wasn't going so well. Apparently, he's 16. The girl is in her late 20's and very conservative. At least I wasn't the only one going empty handed.

High Speed Powerboats ($89)

I signed up for a jet boat ride, one of New Zealand's well-known adventure activities. The boats have huge engines and can hit speeds of about 50 miles an hour. They can ride in water a shallow as 4 to 5 inches. The highpoint of the ride is when the driver spins the boat around in a 360 degree turn. Everyone gets wet. The Korean girl, one of the Irish girls, and I were the only ones who signed up for this. The ride was fun but not all it was hyped up to be. After the ride, I was hanging around the restaurant overlooking the river. The Korean girl came in and sat down at a table nearby. She asked me to sit with her. We chit-chatted. She said she had quit her corporate job because had turned her into a workaholic and an alcoholic. She sounded like a partier. She sounded available. She sounded interesting.

Maori Dinner; Grumpy Mole

2007-12-09T04:18:00.000-08:00

A few "facts" about the Maori people that I picked from various sources.
- Like the American Indian, the Eskimo, and the Australian Aboriginie, the Maori are an oppressed, depressed indigineous group displaced by ambitious aggressive white folks
- They have a higher than average rate of obesity, poverty, and alcoholism.
- They are of Polynesian descent, like the Tongans, Hawaiians, and Samoans
- the movie "Whale Rider" was about Maori people.
- a hangi is a special barabeque native to the Maori (food is cooked in an open pit that is covered with dirt.)
- Haka is a Maori war cry, a variation is used by the New Zealand rugby team.

The Maori Dinner

This was a dinner show with a Maori master of ceremonies who told jokes and led a tradional Maori dance ceremony. As I entered the event, I gave my ticket to the hostess and ask for a table with attractive single women in there late 30's and 40's. She gave me a sadistic laugh and seated me at a table with a bunch of couples, including one that was celebrating their anniversary. Neither the bride nor groom looked old enough to shave. The show wasn't bad but I felt bad for the performers, who once owned New Zealand and who were now reduced to doing goofy shows for white tourists. Still, it could have been worse and the food and company was good.

Nature Walk

After dinner, those of us who paid for the VIP treatment got a tour of the nature preserve. The highlight was the kiwis, a distant cousin of the ostrich. The birds are nocturnal and are the silliest looking animal I've ever seen. A kiwi looks like a large chicken with a Beatles' haircut. The birds weigh about 20 pounds and were scurrying around in their pens doing the things that captive kiwis do in their spare time: poking the ground, looking for bugs, hiding from tourists. The flightless, virtually defenseless, birds are endangered, so we were not allowed to touch or shoot at any of them.

When I got back to my hotel it was 11:30 and I was in the mood for one last beer.
I went down the street to a place called the Grumpy Mole. The place was virtualy empty except a few kids dancing and a huge Maori bouncer who was about the size of a grand piano.

I bought a beer and stood at the bar taking everything in. A 49-year old drunken woman came into the bar and ordered a drink. She started a conversation. She was from New Zealand, worked as a security guard, and had grown children. She told me her age. I told her mine. We toasted. She invited me to dinner the next day. I told I would be leaving town but thanked her for her offer. She kept talking. I smiled politely. She said she was from New Zealand. She said she had grown children and worked as a security guard. She asked me if I wanted to have dinner the next day. This was all starting to sound familiar. I told her I was leaving town and thanked her. She kept talking. She said she was from New Zealand... I excused myself to go to the bathroom.

I got back to my room at 1:00 am. I put on my headlamp and read. I was asleep by 2:00 and had to get up at 7:00 am to catch the bus to my next destination a town called Taupo.

Black Water, White Water

2007-12-06T03:04:00.000-08:00

Black Water Tubing:

The first stop on the bus was a town called Waitomo that has caves that you can wade and inner-tube through. The trip lasts about 2 hours. (I have the price in my notes somewhere.)

To tube you need the right attire. My outfit consisted of the following:
- crash helmet with headlamp
- loose fitting wet suit pants, tight fitting wet suit jacket
- wet suit booties
- white ankle high wellie-style boots

Highlights:
- Cold Water: you spend half the time in the cave in water up to your chest that is about 40 degrees farenheit. I was shaking about halfway through.
- Glow worms: These are actually fly maggots that glow in the dark.
- 5-foot backwards drop off: You're at the top of a small waterfall and you jump off, backwards.
- 10-foot slide with rocks all around. A little hairy.

Then we arrived in a town called Rotorua, where I would spend the next two nights. My hostel was called Treks. (2 nights for $100). I booked some events for the following day: White water rafting (about $65) in the morning at 8:00 and Maori dinner show, plus a nature tour of nocturnal animals (together for the low price of about $72.)

Later that evening, I was in the mood to socialize. After dinner I went looking for a bar with some people. Most places were empty except for an open mic night costing $5 at the door -- no way. Around the corner was small bar called Scotty's. The bartender was playing classic rock music from the '60s and '70s. Sitting at the bar was a friendly, elderly tourist couple. Next to them was the winner of the Neil Young look-alike contest. He had long gray hair, a leather jacket. We talked about old bands for about 1.5 hours.

Next I went to a bar with all my backpacker contemporaries. The crowd was a little too young for me. I approached a young woman with whom I had sat with during our lunch stop earlier during the day. She had no use for me. I circled the bar aimlessly for another 5 minutes and left. I went home to read my new book, a novel called "Apathy." The light in my room didn't work very well. I remembered the headlamps from black water tubing. I rummaged through my knapsack and found my camping headlamp. I strapped it to my bald head and read. I fell asleep at around 2:00.

White Water Rafting

Six hours later, I was on the shuttle bus to the white water rafting site on the Kaituna river. (tour is run by a company called Raftabout.) The rapids were rated level 5, the scariest level offered commercially. (the river is really only level 3 but it includes what the rafting company claims is a 21-foot waterfall. The water fall is more like 12-feet high.)

The outfit:
- baggy, cold, wet wetsuit pants
- wetsuit booties
- fleecey top that keeps you warm but gets wet
- helmet
- life jacket

Then we got some preliminary instruction, including
How to go over a waterfall:
- get down in raft (normally you ride sitting on the side and paddling)
- hold a rope on the outside of the raft with your paddle hand
- grab a rope on the bottom of the boat
- put your chin down so it doesn't whack the helmet of the person in front of you.
- if you fall in, assume a tuck position and you will pop to the surface.

As we approached the waterfall, our guide asked if anyone was too afraid and wanted to get out of the boat and hike instead; we would pick them up later. He referred to this form of pussing out as "taking the Aussie trek." (New Zealanders have a little brother complex when it comes to Australia. They are always taking little jabs at them.)

Nobody got out of the boat, so it was time to go over the waterfall. We rested on the side of the waterfall and watched the boat ahead of us disappear over the waterfall. They came out just fine. Piece of cake.

Unfortunately, from where were were, you couldn't really see how high it was. We paddled up to the edge and our guide told us to assume the position. The last thing I remember is our raft heading straight down, completely vertical. The raft plunged under water and were all completely submerged. Then the raft surfaced as it's supposed to, but some roiling water on our right side flipped the boat over and tossed us all into the water. I tucked and popped to the surface in time to see our guide flipping the boat over and onto my head. Now I was trapped under the boat. I started to panic but was able to swim out from under the boat. The guide grabbed me by the lapels of my life jacket and lifted me into the boat.

We were all in our raft just in time to see the folks behind us get flipped. One girl (blond, cute, too young for me) emerged from the water with a bloody lip. She looked partially in shock, as if she had just been in a car accident. One of the guides carted her off and we never saw her again. The rest of the rafting was pretty dull. I was home by noon.

I went for lunch at a cute place called the Fat Dog Cafe. With all the nice wood and healthy menu, it reminded me of a place you might find in Burlington, Vermont.

New Zealand; Sciatica; Fat Camel

2007-12-06T02:26:00.000-08:00

Qantas Flight to Auckland, NZ

My flight to New Zealand took about 3 hours and plus a 3-hour time difference. The plane was another Boeing 747 Jumbo jet, the giant plane with the world's most cramped seats.

On take off, there was a clear liquid leaking from the ceiling above the aisle next to me. Minutes later, there was a second leak over the people in front of me. Hopefully, the liquid was not from the fuel tank or from the toilet. The seatbelt sign was on. I rang the flight attendant call button. No response. I rang again. No response. No surprise. Fifteen minutes later, the seatbelt lights went off and a perturbed flight attendent went looking for the button pusher. (I was sitting in economy with the rest of the trouble makers and low-lifes.) The flight attendent said the fluid was just condensation. She gave me a look as if I had just pulled a fake fire alarm. Once the plane stopped climbing, the leaking stopped. As I've said before, the service on most airlines sucks.

Biohazard at the Airport

Like Australia, New Zealand has very strict laws to prevent the introduction of biological pests into the country. (Human pests are fine as long as they're loaded tourists.) This means you can't bring even a piece of fruit from another country, including Australia. The New Zealand airport even had a large display case with the exact bottle of cobra and scorpion wine that I wanted to bring back to the U.S. when I was in Vietnam. At the luggage carousel, a uniformed guy leading a beagle around asked us all to put our carry-on bags on the ground so the dog could sniff them. The dog made a beeline for a young couple next to me. He sniffed the girl's bag and sat down expecting a treat. Busted. The uniformed guy told the woman to empty her bag. Then he questioned her. Her bag was clean but she said she had an orange in there the day before. Then the dog stopped in front of her boyfriend's bag and sat down. The boyfriend said he also had an orange the day before. On the ball, these New Zealand sniffer dogs.

Sciatica
Over the last week in Australia, I developed a burning sensation going from my lower back and down the back of my leg. I get this periodically -- it's sciatica. Usually, I exercise through it and it clears up in two weeks. When I got off the plane, my back was in flames.

Hostel
I took the local bus to my hostel, The Fat Camel ($56 a night, in Auckland's backpacker area.) It was exactly what my place in Melbourne wasn't: fun and social. I dumped my stuff in my room and went to their bar. It was hopping and the people were friendly. My drinking buddies for the evening were a 37-year old Scotsman who I could barely understand because of his accent and and 25-year-old local who worked for the bungy jumping company in Auckland. (He hooked people up in their harnesses and then tossed them off the bridge in the center of the city.)

After a few beers, the Scotsman disappeared. Then the 25-year-old asked me if I wanted to try a shot called a Yaeger Bomb. I said "sure." The bomb was a large shot glass filled with a dark liquid. In the center of the glass was a smaller shot glass filled with an even darker liquid. He said you have to drink it all it once. We clinked glasses and gulped the drinks. Not bad, kind of sweet. "So, what's in it?," I asked. Yaegermeister, a licorice-like liquer, and Red Bull, a beverage with so much caffeine it's outlawed in some places. Being that I never drink caffeine because a cup of coffee in the morning keeps me up all night, I figured I'd be up all night anyway, so I decided to make the most of it. So, I had a couple more beers with him and then went for a 1:00 am hamburger at a seedy mobile burger van. Note: New Zealanders like their hamburgers with a fried egg.

Eventually, I got to sleep, but the sciatica woke me up a couple of times. I took some ibuprofen. The next day I took ibuprofen every 6 hours. The day after, my symptoms were under control.

Prices in New Zealand:
- the New Zealand doller is worth 80 cents
- hostel was $56
- a beer is about $5 to $6
- dinner out is about $12

The hostel had a well-organized travel office in the lobby. They helped me reserve a seat an on again, off again tour called the Magic Bus, which stops at major spots along various routes in the North and South islands of New Zealand. I chose a 14 day trip that terminates in Christchurch with a flight back to Auckland on 12/19. These low-wage hostel employees could teach the airlines a little something about service.

Australia 101; Perfect Storm

2007-12-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

Australia for Dummies (stuff I didn't know)

The Commonwealth:
Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Canada, and a bunch of other countries are part of the British Commonwealth. That means:
- they still worship the Queen of England and think the royal family is a big joke
- the highest court for all these countries, akin to the Supreme Court, is in England
- all of these countries have their own Prime Minister but there is also a representative from the U.K. in each country. The representative in some cases can step in and run things.

Boxing Day:
You know that weird holiday that occurs after Christmas that is on almost every calendar you buy in the U.S.? In an informal survey done by Randystravels, most Australians didn't know its origins or even why it was called Boxing Day. All they knew was it was the day after Christmas, it was a holiday, and it was another excuse to get hammered. Boxing day goes way back to feudal times and tradionally, land owners would give serfs used Christmas boxes with some coins in them as a thank you. (Kind of like slave appreciation day.)

Tasmania:
Is a state in Australia.

Flies in Melbourne:
Melbourne is a clean, beautiful, modern city, except for one thing: in the summer the place is invaded by flies. You'll see women decked out in the finery walking down the streets swatting away as if they were bushwacking through Maine during black fly season. Swatting the flies is called doing "the Aussia wave."

Night Sounds of Surfers Paradise

Whoosh, Whoosh:
At night you can see and hear giant fruit bats flying around in the trees. The things look like huge black cats with wings and they are so large they leave a shadow on the ground.

Wahh, Wahh:
Drunken coed crying jag. Usually, after 11:00 you start to hear girls who have had to much to drink crying on their friends shoulders about something. One conversation I overheard, the girl was crying because someone had the nerve to call her immature. The nerve indeed...

Tattoos and Exotic Hairdoos
I have never seen so many wild hair spikey hair cuts, piercings, and tattoos -- even on people over 40. With unemployment less than 5 percent, one can only surmise that the country has a lot record stores and software companies that can employ these people.

Silly Names for Places: Another Vestige of Australia's English Heritage

These were all stops on the train to the Melbourne airport
Yeerongpilly
Beerburrum
Marochydore
Gymple North

Drought in Australia

The country is experiencing a severe drought so they have taken various measures to preserve water:
- signs in hotels and public places telling you how to do everything from shower to shave to flush the toilet.
- toilets: as in Asia, the toilet flush mechanism has two buttons: one for a half flush and the other for a full flush. There are also trough urinals. These are cleaner than those in Asia, but you still end up getting your shoes all wet and sticky.

Spiciest Dish of My Trip
So far, to get enough fire in my food I've had to add hot peppers or some kind of fiery spice. When I ordered the Chilly Chicken from a Malaysian restaurant in Melbourne called Bismi's Goldan Fork (spelling is correct), I didn't need to add anything -- it was hot as hell!

Why Things Went so Badly in Australia: The Perfect Storm

Due to a combination of poor planning on my part and some bad luck, Australia was pretty much a bust.
- Bad planning part 1: originally, I had planned to take a tour called the Great Ocean Road. When I got to my hostel they had one crappy 3-day trip. I wanted something longer, but it was approaching high season and I didn't want to risk ending up on a park bench, so I looked for other options and grabbed the first one that looked easy -- Surfers Paradise. I took a little risk and lost.
- Bad planning part 2, Hostels: Since my one bad experience with a dorm room, I've always gotten my own room. When I did an online search for hostels at hostelworld.com, I couldn't find many hostels offering that option in Melbourne. The hostel I found was nice enough but there was minimal social interaction.
- Bad planning part 3, Hostel/Tour Combo: Like South Africa and New Zealand, Australia has a bus/hostel arrangement that goes all the way up the Eastern coast. I just didn't know about it and didn't think to ask. (It's called the Oz Bus). Oh, well.
- Violation of my primary rule of traveling solo: Never, ever, stay in a big anonymous hotel in a Western city for more than a day or two. I stayed in Surfers Paradise for 8 days. I booked my trip on travelocity.com for 8 days and couldn't change it without huge hassles.
- Bad Luck: the travel knowledge of hostel I found in Melbourne was limited. Surprisingly, they didn't mention Oz bus and didn't have literature for it. In addition, the more social/party hostels were booked.
- More Bad Luck: I couldn't have picked a worse spot than Surfers Paradise. But once I got there, I noticed that there was a hostel right next to my hotel. Oh, well.

Gloom Starting to Lift; Leaving in Two Days

2007-11-29T04:52:00.000-08:00

I think generating all kinds of to do lists, rewriting them, changing them around, is finally starting to kick in. I'm feeling a little better. I only have two more days here.

Also, I received several e-mails that cheered me up.

Two were from friends in Boulder, Colorado, a city I want to check out as possible part time or full time residence. One note was from a guy who was one of my favorite people at my last job; he's lived in Boulder for years and raves about it.

The other note came from a woman who was one of the key people at Conscious Consuming (www.consciousconsuming.org), a group I was involved with in Boston. She just moved to Boulder in August and had lots of good things to say.

On the home front, a close male friend is dating up a storm, so it looks like the social life will be active back in Boston.

Finally, like it or not, I've survived 2 weeks in Australia in virtual solitude. In the past, when I've taken vacations alone, I was usually ready to come home after 4 days.

Note: Wasn't the book/movie "Papillion" about prisoners sent to Australia? Steve McQueen, who starred in the movie, would have been impressed with how I stuck it out in near total isolation in the "the hole," a 4-star hotel with only vicious housekeepers and obsequious concierges to keep me company.

I purposely planned this 4-month trip so that I would be moving around every two weeks. That way, if I got stuck in a bad spot -- like Surfers Paradise -- I could just let it ride knowing I'd be gone soon.

Surfers Paradise, Australia: Still in Hell

2007-11-29T04:13:00.000-08:00

I'm still stuck in this overpriced, shopping center by the sea and my moods are slipping faster than you can say "which way to men's intimate apparel."

Here are the signs of clinical depression that are starting to grip me:

1) Sleep disturbances:
I'm going to bed at around 1:00 am, waking at 5:00 am, going back to sleep till 1:00 pm. I'm angering the housekeeping staff who keep leaving nasty notes like:

"We attempted to clean your room, but couldn't because:"

Then they have a standardized list of reasons they couldn't clean, including:

"The do not disturb sign was on your door at 1:00 pm. We don't care if you're an alcoholic, or clinically depressed, or on your honeymoon, we just want to clean the room and go home."

Bitches!

2) Murderous Thoughts:

A teeny-bopper was whipping down the sidewalk on his skateboard. As he got close to me he raised his hand for a high five. I knew he was taunting me for being old and out of touch (I know the sign for a high five, you little wanker.). I wanted to push him off his board and into oncoming traffic. (I didn't.)

3) No Joy from Usual Pleasurable Activities

Typically, I derive great pleasure from watching obscenely obese people stuff their faces with pizza and donuts while they shop for swimwear. Lately, it's just not doing it for me.

4) Use of Dangerous Mind-Numbing Drugs to Decrease Pain:

On two occasions I turned on the TV in my room.

I usually avoid TV, but last night I watched a show about Australia's All-Time Best Murders. Today, I watched a game show called "Are You As Smart As a Fifth Grader?" (I'm smarter about half the time.)

Positive Vibrations

The worst part about feeling depressed is ruminating on bad thoughts, which just fuels the downward spiral. To combat this, I came up with a list of all the positive things in my life:

1) My mortgage is small
2) I'm looking forward to dinner tonight.

Chin Up Slugger

To stop myself from obsessing on my situation and occupy my mind, I'm generating all kinds of to do lists (hey, it works for me and I'm not harming anyone). My lists include things like:
- things to look forward to in Boston
- which books I'd have a high school class read,
- potential new careers that offer 3 months or more vacation.(I'm open to suggestions on this last one)
- where I'll ski this winter

Unfortunately, like most anti-depressants, creating to do lists can take time to work.

Depressed in Australia; Speak Like An Aussie

2007-11-26T01:17:00.000-08:00

I'm not going to make a lot of friends visiting bars in Surfers Paradise. (In Cambodia, I always met people in bars. Usually, they were white guys over thirty, but they were more than happy to talk and you always had a lot in common just by being white.)

I decide to go back to the things I like to do most: sports and exercising.
I ask the concierge where I can find a serious, meathead gym that is open late. He sends me to Fitness Express in a nearby mall. It's small but perfect. The guy working behind desk offers me a good deal: I can work out for the week, as often as I like for $49. (I plan to go in 7 of the 8 days I'm here).

I ask the concierge where I can take a surfing lesson. (I windsurf, but have never gone regular surfing.) The next day I sleep till 10:30 and sign up for a lesson at 1:00. My instructor is about 5 feet tall and maybe 16 years old. I'm the only one in the class. I ask him about attendance in the morning class. He says there were more people, most were 13 or 14 years old, plus one older lady. I ask how old. He says about 25. I ask him if she had gray hair and wrinkles. He laughs. My class goes well. I have fun. The waves are big and scary. I will try this again.

Speak Australian:

Mozzie: mosquito
Brekkie: breakfast
Rut (root?): intercourse

Summer Break:
Schoolie: high school graduate celebrating graduation
Foolie: 13 to 17-year old, trying to immitate a schoolie
Toolie: 19 to 48-year old, trying to immitate a schoolie

draft beer in a bar:
Pint: Pint
Schooner: 12 ounce draft
Pot: 10 ounce beer

light beer: beer with 2 percent alcohol
mid/mediaum beer: 3 percent (or so) alcohol
heavy beer: 4.8 percent alcohol

Australian Coast: Wrong Place, Wrong Time

2007-11-26T00:32:00.000-08:00

I'm now on Australia's northeastern coast, near Brisbane, in an area called Surfer's Paradise. I'm on the ocean in a nice hotel. I have a minibar and free herbal tea. The weather is warm and dry. There's only one problem: I have a little company, namely about 33,000 kids with really bad accents who just graduated high school. (It's like being stuck in South Boston on high school graduation day -- the major difference is that its worse here because the Australian kids can all drink legally.)

My Hotel: Crowne Plaza Surfers Paradise, a significant upgrade from my Asian guest houses and hostels.

My room has two beds, either one would pass for a queen bed in the places I was staying in Asia. I have a balcony that faces the ocean. I have a bathroom with a separate shower and tub. I have a minibar and room service. There's a nice pool. I have a menu from which I can choose the type of pillow I want.

Options from the Pillow Menu:
Rubber Pillow: soft yet supportive, never lumps or flattens.
'V' Pillow: Shaped pillow, perfect for sitting up in bed, reading or watching TV.
Contour Pillow: ...Best suited for those who like to sleep on their side.
Feather Pillow: A soft downy feather filling, especially made to move when you sleep.

So why am I depressed?

My first night at the hotel, I went to check out the sauna. I'm in there talking to a 53-year-old married guy. He's reminiscing about his single days visiting Surfers Paradise and Melbourne. He recalls leaving a bar with "a bird under each arm." He reminds me that women all want "a good rooting, too." (I think he said "rutting," but with his accent it was a little tough to tell.) Anyway, he suggests some bars for surefire action in a part of town called Cavell Avenue.

I ask the concierge how to get to Cavell Avenue. He says I don't want to go there. It's all "schoolies," kids who just graduated high school. One of the other concierges estimates there are 33,000 of them up there. I've never been fond of drunken high school kids, even when I was in high school.

The concierge suggests two bars in the opposite direction, Prince Albert and Moo Moo. In all fairness, I've never been much for cruising bars by myself, especially in large anonymous vacation resorts. (This area is like a lot of resort cities in Florida: lots of high rise hotels, shopping is a major form of entertainment for visitors, many people driving pricey SUVs for no reason at all -- it's not like it's ever going to snow here. Gambling is legal here.)

Moo Moo: Nice, adult bar/cafe with outdoor smoking area. I get a beer at the bar. Two women who I'm sure are nice people check me out. In a place like this, I can usually work up the courage to talk to one or two strangers. I'm not feeling particularly brave, so I don't respond. Besides it's crowded and they're not cute.

I'm not having fun. I don't know anyone. Everyone seems to know each other. I'm getting anxious and my mood is spiralling downward, as if I was flying a combat aircraft and just got shot in the wing. I stand around drinking my beer, by myself, in the middle of the room where I stick out. People are just ignoring me. I feel invisible. I've got to get out of here.

Prince Albert:
This is a sports bar and live band bar rolled into one. Interesting combination. It allows me to go to the bar, people watch, and not feel self conscious because I can just watch TV. I get to the bar and they have American football. Bingo. In the next room is a really bad rock band playing tired American tunes from the 60's and 70's. No surprise, everyone is white and a really poor dancer. The band quits and they start playing dance and techno music, much of the same music I heard in Asia. The dancing doesn't get any better. (I've become spoiled: most of the people in Cambodia -- male, female, young, old -- were very sexy dancers.) The Football game is over. I do a couple of laps around the bar area. None of the women are throwing themselves at me. It's time to go home.

White and Wild: profiles of Westerners in Asia

2007-11-24T01:51:00.000-08:00

Some guys have a different take on what is means to be middle-aged or retired. Instead of living in the suburbs, playing golf, or cuddling grandchildren, they're more interested in smoking pot, drinking at 11:00 am, and fraternizing with working girls a third their age. They are also interested in living well but paying next to nothing. They like living on the rusty, disentary-infected edge. But they were all very unassuming: no crazy hairdoos, tattoos, or piercings. I met a bunch of guys like this in Vietnam and Cambodia. They ranged in age from mid-40's to late 60's. Some were divorced with grown kids. Some were white collar, some were blue. Some had married or planned to marry young Asian women. Being that they spoke to me off the record (usually while we were sitting on a bar stool), I did not use their names and changed some identifying characteristics.

E:
He is a retired English teacher. He is in his late 60's, has a grown son, and currently spends 6 to 9 months a year in an area known for its bar girls, he says. Each morning, he and a group of other Western guys meet at a coffee joint for breakfast. They discuss events from the night before and are on good terms with the local hookers. He says he and his friends are backups for the hookers. If the girls don't get any business, they will offer the older guys a discount. If the girls have need a place to sleep, sometimes they'll stay over. He says they all watch out for each other. He also says the girls tend to prefer older guys because they don't want sex as much. Though he clearly likes women, his attitude toward long-term relationships at this point in his life can be summed up by the following quote he offered from a book he was reading: "If it flies, floats, or fucks, you're best off renting it."

He said he has been having unprotected sex with prostitutes for the last 10 years. I raised an eyebrow and cited a statistic claiming that 12 percent of Vietnames sex workers have HIV. He said the girls in his area all get regular AIDS tests. He also quoted some other well known facts about the AIDS virus (it doesn't live long outside the body, you need a large dose of it to become infected, uncircumsized men are more at risk.) He also said that he thought Asians in general were a lot cleaner than Westerners. As an example, he cited the bidet sprayer found in most Asian bathrooms. If you get shit on your arm, would you rather wipe it with a piece of paper or wash it off with a hose? he asked. (Hard to argue with that logic.)

He says that he knows of Western guys who have fallen in love with bar girls and then start sending them money every month. Some of the girls have multiple guys sending them money.

Though he apparently has a nice apartment in his home country that he rents out in his own country, he has no problems with Asian squalor. I met him at a seaside bar that offers free accommodations -- a hammock -- to its customers.

H:
He appeared to be in his late 50's and at press time was living with a 20-something woman he met when she was working as a hostess in a Cambodian bar. She no longer works there. He plans to marry her provided she learns to read and write in English. He is learning Cambodian. He owns a sucessful business in a Western country and over that last couple of years has been splitting his time between Cambodia and his native country. He plans to move to Cambodia. He has had some trouble with the girl's family -- mainly annoying money issues. For example, her father lost the house gambling. H bought the house back for about $900 and put it in his girlfriend's name. The parents still live in the house. Another time, one of her relatives swiped his cell phone. The swipee's husband was going to beat her if she returned the phone. H paid $30 to get his phone back.

S:
He is recently divorced and met a woman he liked at a hostess bar. He asked her how much she would need to quit working at the bar and concentrate on college. She said $100 a month. He deposits the money in an account for her every month. She typically has money left over at the end of the month. They have been dating for over a year. He visits for 3-month stretches and they talk every couple of weeks on the phone. Her English is marginal but she is taking classes and studying business. They plan to start a business for her selling low-cost jewelry in her native country. She is a real go getter and appears to manage money well. On several occasions, I let her negotiate things for me or return things and she handled the transactions with aplomb. They are discussing marriage, but again the family is an issue. Also, he's in his early 40's, she is in her mid-20's, and he's not sure he wants kids.

M:
He is in his mid-30's and has his own business catering to tourists in Cambodia. He married a Cambodian woman. I met him in the middle of the day in a Phnom Penh bar. He was slightly hammered. (I would have stayed and drank with him but I was on my way to the gym and just stopped in for a sandwich. I ended up having a beer and a cigarette with him before going to work out.)

Dr:
He is a physician working in Cambodia. He appears to be in his mid-40's. He appeared to know the local party and bar scene very well. He fell in love with a bar girl and gave her a $2000 ring. He says she took off with the ring and he hasn't seen her since.

O:
He was also in his late 60's and traveling with E. They were drinking, smoking, and card playing buddies. He had married and divorced an Asian woman he met when he was in the military. He was now retired. He was also part of E's coffee klatch.

N:
Years ago, he was traveling with a friend fully intending to go home. He ended up in Vietnam and now has a Vietnames wife and business renting recreational craft to tourists. He appeared to be in his late 40's.

X:
He was a regular in a local bar that sells joints over the counter. He married a Cambodian woman and has a child. He didn't come home for a couple of nights, so she showed up at the bar and reamed him out using decent English. According to those who were there, she used phrases like "Him bad husband," "Him fucking asshole."

Melbourne: Sticker Shock, Stuck in a Lift

2007-11-22T05:57:00.000-08:00

My flight from Singapore to Melbourne, Australia took about 7 hours. It was a red-eye and we left an hour late, so i arrived at about 8:00 am. The plane was a 747 "Jumbo Jet," with the the stair case. Though the plane is huge, the seats were cramped and I didn't bother trying to sleep.

Luckily:
- one of my seat mates was a 74-year-old French woman who was a retired chemist. Though she was now retired, she had worked for a company that flew her frequently to Boston. We conversed in French for a while.
- each seat had an excellent entertainment system. I was able to watch 3 decent movies. (on some systems, you can't start a new movie until everyone on the plane has finished with theirs. This system let you start any movie at any time). I watched the Simpsons movie (very cute), "Fight Club (very good)," and a tear-jerker whose name I can't recall that was also decent.

Melbourne:

Being that the US dollar has been in the toilet for a while, my budget was shot to hell from the moment I got off the plane. This was by far the most expensive place I'd been to on my trip. Australian dollar is worth 95 cents, so you get only a 5 percent discount on purchases.

Examples:
- crappy hotel room: $120/night (I got them to knock it down to $90. See "stuck in the elevator, below.) To stay another night would have cost $200. The hotel was centrally located and called something like the Quest on Collins.
- clean hostel with no a/c: $60
- bowl of noodle soup: $15 (this was from a chain called Wagamama. Total rip off. They also wanted to charge me $1.50 for a side of hot chilli peppers. The peppers weren't even that spicey, so I sent them back. I was getting comparable soup in Cambodia for $1; seriously hot peppers were provided free.)
- movie: $15
- visit to aquarium: $25
- pack of cigarettes: $12 (they cost $5.50 in U.S. and $1.25 in Asia. Incindentally, there are a lot fewer smokers in Vietnam and Cambodia)
- Low-end Chicken Parmesan dinner consisting mainly of french friest at Irish Pub: $15.

Other Negatives:
- People here are noticeably fatter and uglier -- even the Asians -- than those in Vietnam and Cambodia.

On the plus side:
- Melbourne is a nice, clean city.
- You can even drink the water out of the faucet
- lots of sky scrapers and a river running through it.
- lots of gyms -- the one I visited gave me free passes for 4 days.

Stuck in the Lift (Elevator)

As I mentioned, I spent my first night in a crappy suites hotel. The hotel had just been purchased by a chain and was undergoing renovation. (It needed it: the bathroom had broken tiles, the mattress sagged. The one plus: it had a/c, which my current hostel doesn't have.) I wouldn't complain if I was paying $10 a night, but at $120 a night, I was unhappy. When I asked about staying another night, the rate shot up to $200. As I was taking the elevator down to check out and contemplating what I would write on the customer feedback forms in the lobby, the lift got stuck. I could hear workman outside the door, so i called out to them. They told me to press the call button in the elevator. I did and was instantly connected to the elevator company. They asked a few questions, such as my location, and said they would have someone there in 10 minutes. I started to fume and then I decided I would ask for some kind of compensation for being stuck. It was starting to get hot in the elevator, but it wasn't unbearable. The workmen tried to open it to no avail. Then the technician showed up (within 10 minutes) and opened the door. I told the hotel manager that I was extremely unhappy with my whole experience there. She knocked 25 percent off the price.

Next Move:
The weather here has been cold and rainy, which is fine for sleeping. Being that my room at the hostel has no a/c, I'm flying to Brisbane and getting a room near a beach area called the Gold Coast. (Temperatures in Australia are supposed to soar into mid 90s over the weekend.) The room will be at a chain hotel and will include a/c. I'll be able to take surfing lessons and play on the beach for 8 days.

Singapore: Death to Gum Chewers; Welcome to the West

2007-11-22T05:44:00.000-08:00

To get to Australia, I flew from Phnom Penh to Singapore, where I had a 7-hour stop over.

The Singapore airport provided me with a lot of firsts:
- first Christmas decorations
- first time I've seen three armed police patrolling around with automatic weapons and long, nasty looking filleting knives.
- free Internet terminals (some let you stay on as long as you wanted. unfortunately, there were no chairs and you had to stand; basically you could stay on the Internet for as long you could stand up.)
- free foot massage machines: you sit down and put your feet into a large plastic box. Each foot gets its own slot in the box. I didn't enjoy the massage that much. It felt like someone was whacking the bottoms of my feet with a ballpeen hammer -- and I had the machine set to its lowest setting. It was a little rough for my soft Western feet and I couldn't wait for the 10-minute massage to be over.
- on the immigration card to Singapore, it clearly states that the country inflicts the death penalty on drug traffickers.
- the sundry goods store had a sign stating that it doesn not sell chewing gum. The counter person said that chewing gum is not allowed in Singapore. I was afraid to ask what the penalty was for chewing gum traffickers.

On a personal note, I found myself getting annoyed with the people around me. They were all speaking English and blabbing on their cell phones, conducting business transactions. At least in Vietnam and Cambodia, I couldn't understand the language so other people's conversations were unintrusive, kind of like white noise.

Best and Worst of Asia

2007-11-22T05:22:00.000-08:00

Best Hygiene practice:Most toilets, no matter how gross, had a hand-held sprayer near the toilet for spraying your nether regions. Saves on toilet paper and leaves you feeling fresh and clean.

Best Hotel Value:
Indochine 2, Phnom Penh. Hotel was clean, included a/c and queen-sized bed for $15; $20 if you wanted a window. Hotel is located in a desirable area next to the river.

Best Lobby Decoration:
Half-bald live rate running around in lobby of guest house in Phnom Penh.

Best Name for a city:
Bang Su, Vietnam

Best Lady-Boy Go-Go Dancer:
Boy-who-wishes-his-name-was-Sue at Sok San Palace, Siem Riem, Cambodia. Great breasts on that boy.

Best Eye Sight for a Blind Man:
At bus station in Sihanouk Beach, a beggar stumbling around with a cane, acting as if he was blind. He spotted a dollar bill in front of me and reached down and surreptitiously grabbed it in one smooth motion. Guy probably has the eye-sight of a Peregrine falcon.

Best Street Hustler under 4-feet tall:
Six-year-old street urchin in Phnom Penh for whom I bought a piece of strudel. He likely sold it back to bakery I bought it from and split money with the counter guy working in the store.

Best Breasts on a dog:
Lots of nursing dogs running around Cambodia with large, udderlike breasts hanging from their underside. It's kind of like seeing a 70-year-old woman without a bra --you know it's wrong but you're compelled to look. One dog in particular had a very impressive rack of 6 B-cup-sized breasts. (she wasn't my type; I prefer long-haired breeds)

Best Death-Defying feat on a moped:
Woman who was breast-feeding her child as her driver weaved in and out of traffic during rush hour.

Best Meat-Filled pastry
Pau buns sold on the streets of Saigon. White, slightly sweet pastry was filled with unidentifiable meat and an orange vegetable, i'm guessing was a turnip. Very filling, cost less than $1.50.

Worst Hygience practice
Public urination. I noticed this most in Phnom Penh. On public sidewalks, particularly by the river, you had to watch your step because a mother could be holding her baby son's penis and spraying the pavement, creating a fragrant rivulet of yellow piss. On the side of main roads during rush hour, you could often see grown men, backs to the traffic, urinating by the side of the road.

Worst-Smelling City:
Nha Trang, Vietnam. On typical day, air smelled like a combination of human urine, rotting squid, and smoke from a doused campfire.

Worst Bathroom Set up:
Hotel in Sihanoukville, Cambodia. Bathroom consisted of a squat toilet, large barrel filled with water and a plastic pot for throwing the water either in the toilet to flush it or for throwing on you to shower. (Water was air temperature)

Better Attitude; My Good Deed; More On Women

2007-11-14T00:27:00.000-08:00

Since hanging around Barry and his girlfriend, I have a adopted a new attitude toward aggressive local hawkers, particularly tuk-tuk and motobike drivers.

For a Westerner, being constantly hit up for money while you're in a restaurant, at a bar, or walking down the street can be pretty annoying. (One time, time I wasn't feeling well and a driver kept pestering me. I snapped at him and he snapped back "You be more polite me, sir." I apologized.)

At other times, having a begger with no legs scuttling around next to your dinner table can be just plain disturbing. Then there are the 6-year-old kids out begging or selling copy violation books and DVDs at 11:00 at night.

Remembering that some people are living on less than $100 a month, sleep out in hammocks in the middle of town, and are just plain poor doesn't help much because you're not going to save them with a $5 donation. (Though it will help and I've started tipping generously.) A tuk-tuk driver may get $1 for a ride and I've watched drivers not get any rides for half an hour or more.

My strategy:
I generally offer a polite "no, thank you," even if I have to say it 5 times in a row to different people offering the same thing.

-For tuk-tuk drivers offering girls, drugs, and visits to naughty bars, I'll try and joke with them if I have the time. "Would you like to make mad, passionate boom-boom with ugly American girl? You pay me $2." Or if they insist on asking me what I'm doing tonight, I'll say: "First, I'm going to buy some opium. Then I'm to the Chicken Ranch to find a couple of nice girley boys."

- For kids begging: General consensus is to not give them money because it encourages begging and may keep some of them from going to school. Give to an orphanage. I gave one persistent kid half of my cookie. Another one I took into a bakery and let him pick out whatever he wanted. (see below)

Other Western visitors have done things like buy a driver a new tuk-tuk (A tuk-tuk costs about $1000. The driver supposedly paid him back for it.)

No Good Deed...

Yesterday, there was a 6 or 7 year old munchkin begging in the sidewalk in Phnom Penh. I'd seen him operating before. He has a rat tail haircut, so I'm guessing he has someone watching out for him. So, I waived him over and made a gesture, asking him if he wanted something to eat. We went to the local bakery. I went in. He stood outside the door. I waived for him to come in. He didn't move. The counter person went and opened the door and told him to come in. I motioned for him to pick something out. He picked out the most expensive item. (a piece of strudel, $1.50. I got an Indian pudding, 50 cents.) The clerk wrapped up his strudel like a present. We walked outside. He didn't open the package. He started talking to an older boy who looked to be about 12 years old. Next he pointed to a hole in his t-shirt and pointed to a clothing shop. I gestured for him to eat his strudel. No response. He gestured toward the clothing store. I gestured toward the strudel. No response. I waived good bye.

For some reason, I didn't feel particularly good after my small good deed. I was probably just another white tourist falling for the old cute-street-urchin-routine. So where is that strudel now?
- the kid may have gone back into the store, exchanged it for 50 cents, of which the clerk kept the rest of the money. In this case, the strudel would be put back in the display case.
- the strudel became another inventory item for an international organized crime syndicate, which also probably also controlled the waterfront, longshoremen, and peanut oil importing in Cambodia.

Western Women

A large majority of the young (20-something) Western women I've seen on my trip have been fun and nice but very unattractive:
- almost half are extremely overweight
- many are covered in tattoos
- most wear next to nothing, so when you look at them, you don't miss a drop of ink or an ounce of fat.
- many are heavy smokers.

(So competition for the attractive women is stiff and, as an old geezer, i'm not even in the running. Probably more reasons for me to stick to women my own age -- not that a 20-something, even a gross one, is not going to be interested in me.)

Eastern Women

A friend bought a Cambodian/English dictionary featuring common phrases, their phonetic pronounciations, and Cambodian spellings. I was joking around with a local girl at a hostess bar asking her essential tourist questions such as:

- does your hotel accept seeing-eye dogs?
- can you fix my brakes?
- can I get my squid well-done?
- my nose is very large. Can you make it smaller?

My pronounciation was terrible, so I showed her the phrases in Cambodian. She hesitated and became a little embarrassed. She couldn't read the phrases. She was illiterate. My friend Barry said many of these beautiful "hostesses" are right off the farm and can't read or write Cambodian. (However, they don't seem to have any trouble reading men.)

More Temples; Crocodiles; Bars and Noodle Stalls

2007-11-13T23:39:00.000-08:00

After the mine museum, I figured I had two more temples in me. The driver took me to one called Banta Sreay. It was the smallest temple so far, had some big carvings inside. Worth about 30 minutes and we split.

Next was Ta Prohm, probably the freakiest of all. The broken down temple had monstrous trees, which looked liked giant snakes, growing out of it. Some of the trees were close to 10 feet in diameter.

As we were driving home, I saw a sign for a crocodile farm. Next to the crocodile farm, separated by a brick wall, was a swimming hole filled with kids. Classic. Some of the crocodiles were up to 15 feet long. Of the 200 or so reptiles, only about 5 moved while I was there. They were all asleep.

Bars of Siem Riep

The town has the same type of bars as Phnom Penh, only on a smaller scale.

Dance Club: Zone 1,teeny bopper bar with great music
Hostess Bar: Blue Wave (It was a sketchy part of town.
I walked in and walked out. )
Dance Club with professionals working the floor: Sok San Palace
Brothel: I was told, but did not verify, that there's a Chicken Ranch just outside of town.

Other highlights
- Happy Herb Pizza: there are a bunch of these in Cambodia. The happy herb can be marijuana or, I've been told, magic mushrooms.

Zone 1

One night Barry, his girlfriend, his favorite tuk-tuk driver, and I went to Zone 1 to dance. Most of the crowd appeared to be under 20. There were lots of young guys dancing together. A group of about five guys danced over to me and asked me to join them. I danced with them for a while. They danced waving their hands around, I-Dream-of-Jeannie style. Then one asked me where I was from, how long I was I was in town, the usual stuff a bar girl would ask. We danced a little while longer and I was starting to get a funny vibe from him and his group. I don't know the cultural subtleties of the Cambodian gay community. Was I giving him the body language for "Let's go to your hotel and play a quick game of hide the banana?" I started to get uncomfortable and got Barry and his girlfriend into our dance circle and I gradually backed out.

Sok San Palace

This club offers a unique mix of entertainment: a nightclub, massage, and restaurant. I went to check out the massage section. There was a lounge area with guys sitting on comfortable chairs. Across from them was a giant fish bowl-like window with masseuses that you could select for your massage. The manager of the massage area started pressuring me to sit down, so I just left.

I joined Barry and his girlfriend in the dance club. There were several go-go dancers. At least two of them were girly boys. We had a drink, watched some pros work the room, and left.

One Night at the Noodle Stall

The next day I went for a run and started to feel like crap afterwards. I was coming down with my third cold of the trip. I was treating my cold with very spicey noodle soups and juice. I went to a local noodle stall for my evening dosage. There were three guys sitting on one side of a card table and one attractive teeny-bopper sitting on the other. I sat with the guys. She looked at me and smiled. Then she moved to the seat opposite me. Then two of her friends came and sat down next to her. I noticed that out of the three of them, two looked kind of masculine and the other looked feminine and very attractive. The feminine one kept looking at me and smiling. She moved down closer to me.

"You want massage?"
(I thought to myself: how considerate, this attractive young woman wants to soothe a weary traveler.)

"No thanks, I don't feel well, I'm going home after I eat."

"You go home alone? Me go hotel you."
(how sweet, she even offers home delivery)

"That's really very thoughtful. Why don't you try this guy, I hear he's got lots of money. [I point to 14-year-old boy sitting next to me]"

"Cambodian man no have money."

"Are you only interested in money? I thought you were attracted to my good looks and charm? No money, no honey, is that how it goes?" I said with a smile.

She didn't understand a word I said but pressed on.

"I give massage at hotel you."

"How about if I give you a massage and you pay me? I've been told I have great hands. For you, only $5."

She made a clucking sound.

We both smiled and I left.

Angkor Wat Day 2

2007-11-12T01:19:00.000-08:00

I decided to start my site-seeing with something I knew I'd like: The Cambodian Land Mine Museum. The museum features the following:
- lots of defused mines
- a small minefield showing what mines would look like you if you came across them in the Cambodian jungles.
- very concise summary Cambodia's sad and chaotic history over the last 40 years.
- how and why land mines were, and still are used, particularly by the U.S.

The Mines
- Mines can cost as little as $1 to make (they're easy and fun to make at home with the kids) and $500 to $1000 to diffuse.
- They come in a variety of shapes and sizes, ranging from soda can size, to frisbee size.
- Some are designed to blow up tanks.
- Anti-personnel mines are designed to maim and not kill victims. The rationale: it costs and enemy a lot more to patch up an injured soldier than to bury one.
- My favorite: Antipersonnel Directional Fragmentation Mine that can injure people behind it or in front of it. It is about the size of the top of a shoe box and contain ball bearings that act like bullets when the device detonates.

The Mine Field
- included a series of trip wires for detonating various mines. Some wires were at chest level some were at foot level. Some could be detonated by radio. None of the mines were live and we weren't allowed to walk around in there, anyway.
- noteworthy: one of the most heavily mined areas in the world is along the Cambodian border with Thailand. During rainy season, many mines that are buried pretty deep, come to the surface and injure farmers living in the area.

Brief Recent History of Cambodia: Country has only been stable since late 1990's
- 1953: independence from France
- 1960: Prince Sihanouk elected head of state
- 1964: Sihanouk nation destabilized by Marxist movement (Khmer Rouge)
- 1970: Right-wing military group deposes Sihanouk and vows to rid country of commies. Military group asks U.S. for help. We're only too happy to lend a hand.
- 1975: Khmer Rough and Sihanouk join forces and take control of country. Most radical social-engineering since Nazis takes place. Towns evacuated, intellectuals carted off and killed, rest of population sent to forced labor camps in the country side.
- 1977: Pol Pot takes charge of country. Sihanouk placed under house arrest.
- 1978: After cross-border raids into Vietnam, Vietnames army invades Cambodia
- 1979: Vietnamese army captures Phnom Penh. Basic Freedoms restored but Khmer Rouge continues fighting throughout the country. Many Khmer Rouge retreat to Thailand.
- 1975 - 1979: Estimates vary, but some experts claim up to 3 million people or about 20 percent of Cambodia's population perished under Khmer Rouge rule.
- 1982: Vietnam launches offensive against coalition formed by Sihanouk, his son, and some friends. Thousands of refugees flee to Thailand.
- 1989: Vietnam withdraws from Cambodia, looting parts of the country.
- 1999: Khmer Rouge finally defeated and peace restored to Cambodia.
*Not sure of exact dates, but at some period, borders with Thailand were heavily mined to prevent Khmer Rouge from returning to Cambodia. Unfortunately, many refugees returning to the country were also injured by mines. To this day, hundreds are injured or killed in Cambodia due to mines.

Why We Like Mines
There is an international treaty designed to ban use and manufacture of mines. Naturally, the axis of evil: U.S., China, Russia, and some others refuse to sign it. We won't sign the treaty because we have mined the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea and claim the mine fields prevent an invasion by the North.

Speak Cambodian; Angkor Wat Day 1

2007-11-12T00:39:00.001-08:00

Here are the essential phrases any traveler to Cambodia needs to know:

Kmai: Khmer, the Cambodian language
Tow kah moy: toast you say when drinking, kind of like "down the hatch."
Oy, oy: Like the Yiddish "Oy vayezmeeyer"

Bong: Boy, often used like the French "garcon" in a restaurant
Ohn: Girl
Tom: big (can also refer to big and fat)
Chilli: hot peppers (if you ask for "hot peppers" no one will know what you mean

Same-same: the same (universal term used in South East Asia. Often used when ordering food

Up to you: phrase often used by cabbie or tuk-tuk driver when they don't want to quote you a price and they figure you don't know the price range. The logic being if you don't know the range, you'll pay Western prices and will overpay.

Boom-Boom: Intercourse (same term as every other country in South East Asia)
Ice Cream: oral sex.

Visit to Angkor Wat

Angkor Wat is one compound in a huge archeological area that is about a 20-minute tuk-tuk drive ($12 to $20 per day) from Siem Riep. I wanted to get a guide, which probably would have made the whole thing more interesting, but all the guides were busy. (Guide about $20 a day)

Some people want to see Angkor Wat at sunrise. Some want to see it at Sunset. (these make for great photos) Being that I was visiting at the beginning of high season, I wanted to avoid the crowds on either end. I also wanted to sleep till 11:00. And like I've said before, I'm not much of a site-seer. My motto has always been: If you've seen one mossy covered pile of rubble you've seen them all.

To visit the archeological area you can pay the following prices:
$20 for a day
$40 for three days
Note that there is no two-day option, which is considered by most visitors the ideal amount of time. There is such a thing as getting templed out.

The Angkok Wat building is believed to be the largest religious structure in the world. Unfortunately, the main building with the famous belfry-like cones was closed for renovation. You could walk into the smaller structures on the compound. Here are my highlights:
- Once you buy your ticket (they take your photo and seal the photo and ticket in plastic), you'll notice that the roads and roadside are immaculate. Though people still live in shacks along the road, they're very nice shacks, no corrugated metal in sight.
- When you get out of your tuk-tuk you are swarmed by hawkers -- very tacky. After fighting off the hawkers, I went into some of the smaller structures. One of them had a Budha with incense burning. A guy asked me if I wanted to buy a stick of incense. "Jeez, they really need to get control of these hawkers," I thought. I bypassed the hawker and a guy in a uniform came up to me and said I should remove my hat when entering the temple. Then he strongly recommended buying a stick of incense. "Ït brings good luck," he said with authority. I had no interest in being reincarnated as a prisoner in a Cambodian jail so I forked out the 50 cents and moved on.
- Again, the grounds were immaculate, but the buildings, after thousands of years, needed some work. It was hard to tell what many of the carvings were supposed to be. There were some bas reliefs (carvings in stone walls) depicting heaven and hell, various battles -- ok for about half an hour.

Then I was ready for the next major temple compound: Angkor Thom
- the big parts were a little more intact than those at Angkor Wat
- the belfry-like structures had, you guessed it, live bats flying around.

I also saw another smaller compound called Preah Kham. More rubble, time to go home.

The Way to Angkor Wat; Malaria, Dengue Fever

2007-11-11T02:06:00.000-08:00

Mosquito Hysteria

The other day at a PP gym I noticed that a lot of the guys were spraying themselves with mosquito repellent. PP is not in a malarial belt, so I asked what was going on. "Dengue fever." This is a nasty little disease carried by mosquitos that has 2 variations: One that can kill you and one that just makes you wish you were dead. The fatal version is a hemorraghic fever that turns your insides into strawberry yogurt, which can ooze out of any orafice. The other version is just a nasty flu-like illness that can last several weeks.

The next day, I took a pleasant 5-hour boat to Siem Riep (SR), the town nearest to Angkor Wat. SR is in a malarial belt. Also, it is in a swampy area infested with mosquitos. My first night, I checked into my hotel (Ancient Angkor, $15/night, decent) and saw a mosquito and no mosquito nets. The hotel clerk said they spray the rooms each night. I went out for dinner and came back. Mosquito was still there and I couldn't smell any spray. I asked the front desk to spray again. They promised. As I was walking around deciding where I wanted my malarial-infected remains sent, I came to a pharmacy. I went inside and explained my concerns about mosquitos. They said they had no nets, but they had a mosquito coil I could burn in my room. I had a question: Is it safe to breath this stuff? (it's made by the company that makes Raid spray) The clerk assured me it would be fine. I figured who better to take medical advice from than a pimpley-faced teenager working at the local pharmacy?

FYI: I have one of the better types of anti-malarial pills, called Malarone. Unfortunately, pills are not 100 percent effective.

I have since gotten at least one mosquito bite here in SR. My room has been sprayed every night and I leave the fan on when I sleep. Supposedly a strong breeze deters mosquitos.

Site-Seeing;: Rats and Goo; A Bird in the Pocket

2007-11-11T01:47:00.000-08:00

As I mentioned earlier, I'm not much of a site-seer. I had already checked out two gyms in PP and was told that the Central Market and a Temple called Wat Pho were worth a look.

Central Market
The tourist guide to PP says that this market used to be a good place to get an AK-47. I looked and looked and the only automatica weapon I saw was on the arm of a policemand patrolling the market. I saw an assorted of the usual stuff: Rolex watches for $5, meat covered by flies, roasted frogs. I was reasonably amused until I saw a large rat bolt under a food display. Then I stepped into a puddle of miscellaneous goo (I was wearing shorts and sandles, so the piddle splashed on my legs.) It was time to go.

Wat Pho

To prepare for Angkor Wat, an international wonder that is supposed to rival the Taj Majal and Macchu Piccu, I went to a small temple in PP called Wat Pho. Most notable things:
- there's Buddha and an altar where people can leave money and gifts. On the altar I noticed some cigarettes. I guess once you've passed on to the afterlife, smoking is less of a health risk.
- there are also several guys with cages filled with large sparrows. You can purchase a bird and set it free. One vendor was sitting for a while and took a bird from his cage and put it in his front pocket. I gave him a funny look: he said the bird was sleeping. If my lack of romance continues, filling my pockets with small defenseless birds may be as good a substitute as any.

Phnom Penh Nightlife; Too Much Info; Miscellania

2007-11-11T00:27:00.000-08:00

Analogy: Phnom Penh (PP) is to Saigon as Boston is to New York City.
PP and Boston are both smaller, more manageable and offer most of the same types of entertainment, just on a smaller scale. (Boston may have 20 Thai restaurants, whereas New York may have 200.)

For night life, here are the general types of bars offered in PP and other parts of Cambodia (sources: some first hand, some "experts" I met.

1) Standard dance clubs: Heart of Darkness
2) Hostess bars: One 3 Six, Shanghai
Lots of attractive young women. You go in for a drink, they come over and flirt with you. If you like them, you buy them a drink ($2.50, they get a dollar). In some of the bars, you can ask the women to leave the bar with you. You pay the bar $5. (some charge $10, if it's before 10 pm.) Apparently, if the woman wants to go home with you it is up to her -- no guarantees.
3) Bars and Dance clubs with professionals working the crowd: Walk About, Martini, Shark Club

Note about girls who work in the various types of bars:
There appears to be little stigma attached to working in these types of establishments. Apparently, if you meet a girl you like, you start dating and ask her to stop working or at least carrying on with men outside the bar. Two Western guys I know met their girl friends that way. Both guys expect to marry the women. One guy is putting his girl friend through college. The other is living with his girl friend. The latter guy is learning Cambodian and has told his girlfriend she has to learn English before he will marry her.

There are also cultural considerations with marrying a Cambodian woman. Thorniest issue: I've been told that when you marry a Cambodian woman, in some cases her family may gradually moves into your house. First, it will be her sister on the couch. Then after you have a child, her parents start staying over. Eventually, your on the couch and you sex life goes kaput. (sounds a lot like marriage-American style.) Source for all this: hearsay.

First Night Out in PP

As I mentioned earlier, on my first night I went out to a local restaurant and had a difficult time trying to order. No one spoke English and after 30 minutes of hand charades, all I had on my table was an order of chicken wings. I noticed a white guy sourrounded by Cambodians at a nearby table. I went over and asked for help. He invited me to join them and we all started eating and toasting. We'll call him Barry.

After dinner, Barry invited me to go drinking and dancing with his girlfriend and her cousins. First, we went to a hostess bar, where his girlfriend used to work. He met her there but she no longer works there. She spoke to a couple of attractive former coworkers in Cambodian and pointed to me. One came and sat on the arm of my chair. She wasn't exactly a scintillating conversationalist, but she was nice and gorgeous. She knew a few phrases in English (what's your name, where are you from) and all I knew in Cambodian was "Kouw tauw moy." (down the hatch, a standard toast for drinking). I became a little embarrassed having her there in front of my friend's girlfriend and the other woman who came with us. I also didn't buy her a drink. Eventually, the hostess moved on.

We stayed for a little while longer and then went down the street to one of the wildest dance bars I've ever been to, The Heart of Darkness, which is one of the must see attractions in PP, according to Lonely Planet travel guides. Due to a history of violence in there (shooting or stabbing, can't remember which), they frisk you at the door; the security is tighter than at many airports and guards seem to enjoy their work a little too much. The guard padded me down, gave my genitals a little tweak. I waved my finger at him and said "you're bad boy." He winked and I went in.

Once you're inside you could see why the place was trouble. It had a combustible mixture of some of the largest white guys I'd ever seen outside of a football locker room; some dark tough-looking Cambodian guys who looked like they had just left a jungle patrol; waifey gay guys dancing together on a stage, and tons of the most beautiful Asian women I'd ever seen. (The women were light skined, dark-skinned, Malaysian, Vietnamese, Cambodian, and a few grossly overweight Western women in their 20's). The techno music selection was excellent; it was so loud it jolts you the moment you enter the place. The laser show was blinding. The whole place kind of seethes and everyone is dancing and bumping into each other. Our group of men and women danced will about 3:00 am.

Barry and his girlfriend invited me to join them the following evening to visit a slightly seedier version of the Heart of Darkness, called Martini. The bar was on a side street. You entered through what looked like a garage door. There was a guy with spina bifida, who had no body from the waist down, begging at the door. Again, we were patted down for weapons, and entered the place. The bar looked pretty calm. Some Western couples, a few middle-aged white guys with Asian girls -- can't always assume that the women are prostitutes, they could be the guys' wives or girlfriends. Basically, the place looked pretty dull.

Barry went to the bathroom and said that for 25 cents the bathroom attendent would massage your back while you urinate. Not really my scene, but I had to go the bathroom anyway. I went into a toilet stall to avoid the guy. When I came out of the bathroom, I heard loud techo music coming from the down the hall. I went to investigate. There it was: a seedy dance club, packed with people. I grabbed Barry and his girl friend and we went in. The music was good and there was even a 5-foot-9 girly boy ripping up the dance floor. We stayed and danced. There were some professionals working the room, including the first pro in her 30s I'd seen.

More Hostesses

Barry invited me out another night to meet a friend, an older white guy who was engaged to a young Cambodian woman he had met at a bar. Though he and his girlfriend have an exclusive relationship, she still goes to bars to see her friends and he still goes to see his. We all met at a new hostess bar called One 3 Six. Inside, there were about 40 mostly gorgeous women in their 20's and a handful of white guys. We sat down with Barry's friend who already had several women sitting with him. Many of the hostesses he knew through his girlfriend.

I sat at the end of the table, the spot for the single guy. One woman came up to me and started talking. I wasn't that attracted to her but didn't know how to dismiss her without being rude, so I didn't talk much and looked around the room. I made eye-contact with another woman who was giggly and frisky and came right over and started kissing my shaved head. We started talking and she started hanging on me. We played a modest game of curious hands and then I asked if her she wanted a drink. She indicated that she already had one. I vacillated between being embarrassed for carrying on in front of everyone else at the table and not caring. We were preparing to go to another bar. I asked if she wanted to go. No answer. Not a good sign. A few more minutes of tickling, and she started nibbling on my throat, rubbing my head. I nibbled on her ear, then asked again if she wanted to join us. She gave me a funny look and then turned to a friend of hers who spoke better English. They spoke in Cambodian. Then the friend turned to me. "She's having her period." Eeek. Too much information for am invitation to dance. We parted company vowing to get married next time I was in town.

Miscellania:
- In some U.S. restaurants, the waiters bring around a desert tray after the meal. At my first Cambodian restaurant, a gentleman brought around the broiled-snake-frog- and-larvae tray. I looked them over. The larvae looked interesting, but I was pretty full and passed.
- Eating at a food stall, the cook was handling my food with bare hands as they always do. After handing me my food, she noticed that the leg of my table was wobbly and reached down to put paper under it to stabilize it. I couldn't help but notice that the same hand that was making my food was now touching the wet, slimey ground.
- as I mentioned earlier, I checked out of a cheap guest house that had a rat running around in the lobby. My new hotel was cleaner, but supposedly home to a lot of older guys who brought home young women at all hours. My first night, I was awoken at 4:00 am by a yelping sound, much like that you might hear from a seal having his testicles squeezed with pliers. I heard it again a few nights later and figured the guy was having bad dreams and not wild girls.

One Day at the Massage Parlor

2007-11-07T00:53:00.000-08:00

Phnom Penh is known for having masseuses with wandering hands. In the interest of journalism, I decided to investigate this claim. I would go incognito as a guy from Boston who hasn't gotten so much as a kiss since August.

The word on the street is that the girls with curious hands tend to work at massage parlors that look more like strip joints than health spas. Also, the spas tend to offer other male oriented services like haircuts.

Note: This whole process kind of scared me. I didn't want to get mugged, ripped off, or otherwise in some kind of situation I couldn't get myself out of. In addition, I had never been to a place like this, so I did not know the proper etiquette. If the woman grabs your unit and you're not interested what do you do? Does her pimp appear and beat you? Worse still, what if she doesn't grab the unit?

Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold, Just Right

The first night, I walked around looking for seedy places near my hotel. There were a couple of massage joints down dark alleys or with unattractive women working at the door. I passed.

The next day, I saw a couple of places on the river front that looked clean -- too clean. They looked family-oriented. For my research, I needed male-oriented. Then I saw a promising place: there were some attractive women standing and smiling at the door. The place looked clean from the outside. Then I looked at the name "TITI Romantic Massage." Paydirt.

I went inside. Naturally, they spoke very little English. I pointed to one of them and asked: "Will you be doing my massage?" I guess she understood, because the next thing I knew, I was seated and she was washing my feet. (The Thais have a thing about dirty feet; maybe all South East Asians feel the same about feet. Mine were certainly stinky.)

Then she led me upstairs to the massage boudoir. There was a British guy who was leaving prematurely. I asked what happened. He said the masseuses used oil and he was allergic to oil. They didn't understand but he gave them a nice tip and he left. The room was all light red materials, soft lighting; like the backdrop for a softporn movie. Each little massage area was separated by a curtain, kind of like an emergency room with multiple stations only inches from each other. The only difference here, was that instead of gurneys, there were mattresses.

Then she motioned for me to lie down on the mattress and for me to remove my shorts. I forgot that I was wearing a bathing suit -- and no underwear. I ended up flashing her. She was unphased, but I was mortified. I was waiting for the pimp to come out with the Taser from behind curtain number two and zap me. I made sure to put my shorts with my money near my head where I could keep track of them. Then she motioned for me to lie on my back and she proceeded with the massage, starting at my feet and working her way up my calves, knees, thighs, dangerously close to the goods. Then she stopped and switched legs. Then she motioned for me to roll over on my stomach. Same procedure. Then our time was up. The massage costed $6. I gave her $9. Everyone behaved and parted company. I even got invited back.

Entering the Kingdom of Cambodia

2007-11-07T00:22:00.000-08:00

A lot of travelers get into a macho mindset where if you do anything touristy or comfortable you're looked at with disdain.

"You slept in a 3-star hotel? Well, I once slept on the back of a rabid water buffalo, during monsoon season, in the Hepatitis River."

Öh, yeah? I've been reusing the same tampon for 6 months."

Öh, yeah? I once fought a rat for half a can of cat food."

Please slap me if I act this way when I get back. After staying one night in a hotel that had a large rat running around in the lobby, I have re-evaluated my needs for comfort. I can suffer if I need to, but I'll opt out if I can.

Cambodia

When crossing the border into Cambodia, you can be subjected to a couple of scams. The most common: You attempt to buy your visa at the border, where there is a sign that prominently says that a visa is $20. Then the guard demands $35. My group didn't have any problems, but we also paid $22 to have our visas purchased for us. Also, worth noting: The country is prone to a little hyperbole: The visa says "Kingdom of Cambodia."

Along the Mekong River heading towards Phnom Penh, you notice that Cambodia is a lot less developed. More farms, fewer houses on the river, more cattle. In Vietnam, when we passed people who were on the shore, they usually waved. The first Cambodians we passed did nothing when we waved; they looked at us like they'd be just as happy seeing us roasting over a spit.

The roads into Phnom Penh were also a lot less developed. The last leg of our 3-day trip included a 1-hour bus ride. We were all jammed into a minivan that looked like if it went another mile it would come to a wheezing halt and collapse in a rusty heap. Combine the van with roads that were often unpaved and you had some rough riding.

Phnom Penh: A Man-Eat-Dog Town?

After reading the guide books and another book called something like the most dangerous place to vacation, it is tempting to bypass Cambodia. Big mistake. This has been the best part of my trip. Here's why:

- Phnom Penh (PP) is smaller and more manageable than Saigon (13 million people versus about 4 million)
- PP has better traffic control: there are more traffic lights and people obey them. (Like Saigon, few people wear helmets)
- It has all of the same wild offerings and then some. I went into a bar with a guy I met here and he bought a joint. They are sold over the counter. Dance clubs are great, all ages, races, sexual orientations (saw girley boy dancing up a storm the other night.)
- People seem less out to rip you off. Tuk-Tuk drivers and motobike drivers generally give a fair price. I have not been short-changed (to my knowledge) in stores.
- Street peddlers can still be annoying but you can disarm with a smile and a nod. If they are persistent, I either start talking to them in French or ask them if they want to meet an ugly American girl "only $2."

Drawbacks to PP:
- Few natives speak much English and street numbers don't mean anything to local drivers who speak Cambodian, also known as Khmer. My first night, I went to an outdoor restaurant. The diners were mainly locals, so I figured the food would be good. But I had a hell of a time trying to order. There was no English menu. The waiter first brought me some chicken wings, then a plate of cucumbers. Still, my problems led to my meeting another North American guy and his Cambodian girlfriend. We've since become fast friends.

Mekong Delta; More Gross Outs

2007-11-06T22:47:00.000-08:00

About a week ago, I signed up for a cruise down the Mekong River from Saigon. The 3-day, 2-night excursion ends with a boat and bus trip that drops you in Phnom Penh, Cambodia. The trip was a little rough around the edges but packed in a lot of sites in a little time.

Shakey Start

I bought my Mekong cruise trip from a small store-front agency called TSK Travel. After I paid my for the 3-day trip ($47), I got an inkling of what was to come: The office advertises free Internet service to all customers. When I went in to use the computer, one of the staffers said "Internet not working. Boss not pay the bill." Hmmm.

The trip also required that we be up at 6:00 everyday because of our full itinerary. The night before we left, I went out at 11:00 pm looking for a bowl of soup. I walked down to a place around the corner from my hotel. (I was still in the nice 3-star hotel). All the tables had people, but a young Vietnames guy motioned for me to sit with him. We ordered. We spoke a little. Our food came. He reached out and grabbed some greens in a condiment dish. He added some to his soup. Then he added some to my soup and said "good, good." I smiled, but wondered where his hands had been before eating. Then he grabbed some bean sprouts and threw them in my soup and smiled. I didn't want to offend him, so I ate and I'm still here to talk about it. The Vietnamese guy grabbed another passerby, a 50-something French guy dressed for Halloween. We were up till around 1:00.

- First day of Mekong trip: we were ferried around some islands in various size power boats and by canoe. At a stop called Unicorn Island, we drank rice wine, banana wine, and snake wine, the latter supposedly offered a virility boost for men. I didn't notice any effects. But the bottles of wine had cobras and scorpions in them and would have made nice coffee table ornaments. I was ready to buy some when my guide said that I wouldn't be able to bring them in to Australia, a country with some of the strictest animal import regulations. Apparently, importing deadly but dead snakes and insects is verboten.(Australia is my next stop and I wasn't about to mail a bunch of bottles)

- Then came unpleasant surprise #2:
I had signed up for a trip that included 3 meals. As we sat down for lunch, I was seated at the table with people who had to buy their own lunch. I asked our guide what was up. He said that my original tour didn't get enough people so I was switched to a different tour. I felt like I was being traded like a sub-prime mortgage. I had also prepaid for a private room with air-conditioning. I became an ugly American and demanded that our guide verify my room arrangements. Good thing I had kept my receipt and had asked the tour operator to write all details on the receipt. Things were a little tense, but I got my room. (It was still kind of a pit) We spent the night in a Vietnamese town called Can Tho.

- Best Reason for Taking Around the World Trip
On the trip I met a big, overweight Brit who was in his late 20's. His fiancee had recently dumped him for another guy and his parents had just moved to Spain. Sounds like his once full life was now feeling empty. He waited 6 months to get over his girlfriend, then he quit his job, and is now traveling. He had an eye-brow ring and was planning on trying sky diving. Still he always wore preppy, conservative clothes. I'm guessing he was trying a new, more daring persona that hadn't fully developed yet.

- the next two days we visited a bunch of touristy sites, including a candy making facility, a fish farm, and a villageof indigenous people. We spent the second night in a town called Chau Doc at another divey guest house. The locals were friendly. I was out looking for a bar, when it started to rain. An old woman stepped off her porch and motioned for me to sit on her porch until the rain stopped. A woman on our trip was walking around and passed by a wedding celebration. They invited her in and she drank rice wine with them all night.

New and Improved Gross Outs
- Snake Heart: For $30, you can eat a still-beating cobra heart. The "chef" grabs a live snake, aggravates it to get it's hear rate up, then he guts the snake except for the heart. He drains the blood, removes the heart. And tells you to wait 2 minutes. Then he returns with a shot glass filled with blood and a little heart that is still beating. You drink up. Down the hatch... (source: hearsay)
- Pig Toilets: In India, there are squat toilets that are just a hole. When you move your bowels, you can hear pigs grunting below you as they eat your waste. Yum. (source: hearsay)
- Picking Teeth vs Picking Nose: In Cambodia, people try to cover up their mouths when they are cleaning their teeth with a tooth pick. On the other hand, walking down the street people will flagrantly root around in their noses for a booger.
- Clipping Toe Nails in a Food Stall: The other day, I was eating soup in a food stall. I heard a familiar clipping sound behind me. A guy was working away on his toe nails.
- Rat in the Hotel Lobby: TSK Travel strikes again. At the end of my 3-day Mekong Delta trip, we got dropped off at a guest house called The King Guest House in Phnom Penh. How convenient. Obviously, the guest house director, Mr. Jerry, has some kind of arrangement with the travel companies. I was determined not to be taken, so I walked around the block to check other hotels. They were all full. Why was the King the only place with lots of rooms? I went out for dinner and came back to the hotel to get some money. In the lobby of the hotel, a large half-bald rat was running around in the lobby.

Saigon: Traffic, Hookers, War Propaganda

2007-10-29T08:52:00.000-07:00

Traffic Like You've Never Seen

First thing any visitor notices about Saigon is the traffic. It takes a little getting used to. To put it in perspective:

Imagine New York City.
- During rush hour.
- With no subways and everyone on motorbikes/scooters.
- With no stop lights and no stop signs.
- Traffic is 6 motorbikes across in each direction.
- People ride on any side of the street they want; like mixing drivers from Great Britain with drivers from the US on the same road.
- People ride on the sidewalks, inside outdoor cafes.
- A few cars and buses thrown to make it interesting.
- The traffic goes 24-hours.

Now try walking across the street.
A tourist map I have includes instructions for crossing the street. I used them and they worked. Basically, you just walk. Slowly, steadily. But you don't runor change direction suddenly. People will avoid you. I've been here three days and walked all over and have yet to see an accident. And I have yet to be hit or even have a close call.

One time, I stood on the curb, looking at the traffic, paralyzed with fear. A stranger walked up behind me, took my hand like I was a 5 year old and walked me across the street. Seventy-year-old women just walk across the street without a care.

Oh, and no one wears a helmet, including babies that are sitting in the laps of their parents who are zipping along in traffic.

How Much For That Hooker On The Moped?

The motorbikes are also used by mobile madames who will pull up with a girl on the back of her bike. (This has happened to me three times. Either the fact that I'm afraid to cross the street means I'm an easy mark or these professionals can just tell who's getting action and who, like me, isn't.)

Madame on motorbike pulls up in front of me while I'm standing on the curb.
"You like boom-boom with young Vietnamese girl? 20 U.S. dollars for one hour." (Madame points to cute 20-something girl on the back of her motorbike.)
"I'm 48-years-old, I'll never last an hour."
"Ok, Ok. $10 for one hour."
"That's really very generous, but I have to run."

Another Madame pulls up. She looks about 60 years old and is wearing lots of make-up, like she's ready for her close-up.
"You like boom-boom with young girl?" (She points to cute girl on the back of her bike.)
"Actually, I like older women. What about you?"
"Me? Same price."
"Thanks, but there's a break in the traffic, I've got to go. Let's talk again soon."

My Digs

Once again I've chosen the "backpacker," or budget part of town. My hotel costs $12 with breakfast and Internet access. The room includes a European shower with no shower stall, no shower curtain, just a spray handle and a drain on the floor. I've finally figured these out, so this isn't a problem.

My only concern about the room are these small flying insects. There are few on the floor and a few on the pillow. They're either fleas or fruit flies, but I guess I'll find out tomorrow morning. I've already had the manager up and he assures me they don't bite.

On the wall of the hotel was a note with the hotels regulations. It included the usual nonsense, but at the very end had this ditty:

"VN Police Regulation
Foreigner and Vietnamese woman must not stay in room without marriage certificate. You can rent another room for her. (If she has ID card or driving license)"

Next Morning, no sleep. Not happy. I don't know if it was my imagination or not, but I felt things crawling on me. I tried wrapping my head turban style with a bandana I have that allegedly has permanent bug repellent. Didn't work. Plus, I had to get up 7:00 to catch the bus for a tour of tunnels used by the Viet Cong in the war. I'm going to a decent hotel -- even if I have to go bust the bank and spend $50 a night! (Actually, I feel bad because the staff at the cheap place has been so nice.)

The Tunnel Tour

Around Saigon, in an area called Cu Chi, the Vietnamese built tunnels that were used to fight, first the French and later the Americans. During the war with the U.S., the tunnels held 16,000 Viet Cong. By the end of the war, only 6,000 were still alive. The U.S. bombed the area and used defoliating chemicals to rid the area of leaves and trees to make it easier to move in tanks and artilery.

The tour was decent but kind of disturbing. I was the only American. Here were the key components:

1) Tour of Folk Art Facility with Art Created by People with Deformities Resulting from Agent Orange, a defoliant reportedly used by US in the War.
- The art was beautiful. I checked, most of the people had visible and real deformities. Whether these were from US actions, I couldn't tell.

2) Vietnames propaganda film about the war.
A narrator talks about how the peaceful villagers were attacked and bombed by aggressive Americans whose home was thousands of miles away. The brave villagers went into the tunnels and used a variety of techniques to kill Americans. There was a Rosie the Riveter type woman who received recognition for killing large numbers of US soldiers.

3) Tour of Booby Traps Used Against US Soldiers
Our tourguide described with glee each of these Medieval-looking devices, including
- trap door with poison laced bamboo pungee sticks on the bottom. You step on the camouflaged door and land on sharped sticks poisoned with cobra venom.
- assorted other traps with metal spikes that impale you in the head, chest, internal organs, legs, and, of course, the genitals.

4) Bombed Out US Tank
On our tour through the woods, there was the shell of an M-41 tank that supposedly had been destroyed by a an anti-tank mine. The mine was made from an unexploded bomb from a B-52 by the peaceful Cu Chi villagers.

5) Lady Making Wrappers for Spring Rolls
Our guide's best quip of the day. "A peasant can make up to 1,500 rice papers a day. This lady here only makes 200 to 300. Know why? Because she works for the government."

6) The Firing Range
For about $10 for a clip of 10 bullets, visitors were allowed to shoot several US weapons from the war, including an M30 or M16, or an AK47. I passed

7) Cobra Wine
Instead of buying a bottle of Tequila with a worm on the bottom, the gift shop had wine that included a cobra with a scorpion in its mouth. These would have made great stocking stuffers, but I don't know how I'd get them across the various borders I need to cross.

8) 90-Foot Tunnel Tour
You go underground and walk/crawl. It's worth doing.

A Trip To The Gym

I found a decent gym that was a 40-minute walk from my hotel. Getting to the gym involved navigating three traffic circles. I am still here to write about it. The gym was like any gym in Boston, except for a few differences:
- Many people work out in designer flip flops instead of sneakers
- I was one of 3 white people
- The people were friendly (actually, locals have been friendly throughout Asia) I spoke to more people there than I have in 5 years at my current gym in Boston.
- The few overweight people I've seen belonged in Vietnam belonged to the gym.

Reader Mail: Am I Cheap ? Nha Trang, Seaside Dump

2007-10-28T04:49:00.000-07:00

Reader Inquiries

Several folks have asked about my choices in accommodations and travel. Am I just trying to save a few Dong or trying to inflict the maximum amount pain on myself. Actually both and then some. Here are my thoughts:

1) Traveling for 4 months is a lot different than vacationing for a week or two. I wouldn't think twice about spending $3,000 for a week in Corsica or the Alps. But multiply $3,000 by 16 weeks and you have almost $50,000. That's more than I can afford.

2) The popular travel guide books for budget/adventure travelers (Lonely Planet and Rough Guides) recommend trying as many modes of transportation as possible. On this trip, I've traveled by big plane, small plane, overnight ferry, and now overnight bus. Bus is by far the cheapest and most brutal and it's also how the locals travel. On my last bus trip, there was a little guy sitting in the seat usually reserved for the drivers when they want to sleep. I asked if he was a driver. No, he said. I'm a doctor. I guess doctors in Vietnam don't paid what they do in the U.S.

3) Once you realize that you're being charged much more than the locals for everything, it becomes kind of game to haggle and shop for prices. (I don't spend too much time on this, but just asking your hotel what, say, a cab ride should cost, puts you in a better bargaining position.

4) I'm frugal by nature. I always pay my way, give to charity, etc. But I'm just not a big spender and don't think we as U.S. consumers can keep spendig and wasting the way we have in the past. (anyone who is interested can check out Web site some friends and I started: www.consciousconsuming.org)

Another friend was interest in my French friend "Joe." Here are some more specifics.
- Appearance: full head of long gray hair. He wore traditional trendy European evening wear: black everything. Black polo shirt (no logo), open at the showing grey chest hair, long black pants, nice black dress shoes. He was dressed at least two clicks above the average tourist. (I would expect nothing less from someone who once lived in Paris). He looked older than 49. I would have guessed mid 50's.
- He said he didn't quite fit-in in France but wouldn't live anywhere else. Man after my own heart. (By not fitting in, he was referring to the fact that he never married, though he had two grown kids, he thought both politics and the media were a waste of time. He wasn't really into acquiring money and possessions.) He seemed to be pretty comfortable in his "skin" and with who he is.
- At one of the bars we went to he was very flirty with the teenaged boys who were the waiters. He tried to tickle them. He performed make-believe Kung Fu on them.
- He had "faire l'amour" with about 5 prostitutes since being in Vietnam. (Question for all the experts out there: does one "make love" to a prostitute? I guess if you're French you do.)

Nha Trang is the Last Straw

Vietnam is starting to get to me. Maybe it's the bus rides or this dumpy seaside town I'm holed up in. Or may be it's the water. Here are my current gripes:
- Weather
Naturally, I picked the rainy season to come visit. Though it didn't rain at all in Hanoi, it has poured in the two seaside towns I've visited. (Monsoon season in these areas is Sept - January)
- Bus
I'm done with overnight bus rides. I've done two in the last week. The second was even grosser than the first. The smell of sweat, lack of a/c...
- Smell
The town I'm in now (Nha Trang) smells like a mixture of wood smoke, incense, gas fumes, and putrifying squid.
- Street Hawkers
I understand that I'm rich and locals are poor (relatively speaking), but here in Nha Trang it is a little out of control. You walk down the street and one after another they will hit on you to buy books, post cards, art, scooter rides, food, and boom-boom. I was eating lunch in an outdoor cafe and hawkers would come up to me while I was eating. I'm always polite and say "No, thank you."
- This is the first town where I've seen rats eating street garbage in broad daylight.

Glossary: Vietnames hotel with 24-hour security
Usually this means the gates and doors are all locked by 1:00 am. The night manager is sleeping on the floor in the lobby on a cot or small mattress. To get in or out, you have to wake him up.
Last night, I wasn't feeling well, went to bed at 9:00 and slept till 1:30 am. At 1:30, I wanted some bottled water (you don't drink from the tap). The elevator had been shut off, so I walked the 6 floors to the lobby. (I usually walk instead of taking the elevator). I couldn't get out and I felt bad about waking the manager who was sleeping on the floor with his pregnant wife. (I had also pissed him off earlier by complaining about the bed pillows, broken bedside lamp, and missing top bed sheet)I watched them sleep and tried to decide what to do. First, I went into the kitchen to look in the fridge. No bottled water. I went to the cooler with drinks for sale. Locked. I tried to see if I could climb the gate. No luck. Finally, a white guy with a Vietnamese girl friend came downstairs and wanted to leave. The manager gladly woke up and let them out. I bought a bottle of water and now the elevator was working.

Vietnamese Submarine Sandwich
- take a sub roll; smear cheese (Laughing Cow fake cheese is fine); add slivers of something white (egg?) and something grey (pork?); finish with slices of cucumber, scallion, tomato. Add hot sauce. I ate two in one sitting, quite excellent.

Hotel room gross out
In Nha Trang I'm staying at a hotel called the Dong Phuong. It was recommended by a fellow traveler. She seemed to know her stuff. What was she thinking? I wasn't feeling well when I got off the bus, declined the first hotel the bus took us to, and just wanted a clean quiet room. Instead here's what I got for $10 a night.
- toilet paper was all wet
- pillow cases stuffed with concrete
- bedside light didn't work. (eventually, the manager came up and screwed the bulb in all the way and it worked. Honest, I tried fiddling with it before calling him. I tried to explain that Jewish men are genetically unable to repair things, but he didn't understand and just stomped off.)
- Neighbor blasting TV at 3:30 am. (I knocked several times on his door to no avail. He must have fallen asleep. I knocked harder. He partially opened the door, he was naked; it wasn't a pretty sight. He apologized and turned the TV off.
- When I awoke the next morning, my place had been invaded by black beetles about the size of Japanese beetles. They scuttled around on the floor and I killed them one at a time. I left for a few hours, came back and an army of ants was eating the dead beetle carcasses. I cleaned up the whole mess and flushed it down the toilet.
- I'm done with Vietnamese seaside towns and fly to Saigon tomorrow.

Prostitution for Dummies; Eat at a Street Stall

2007-10-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

It finally stopped raining Thursday night and I was ready to socialize. After walking around for about 20 minutes, I found a seedy little noodle stall with a bunch of Westerners eating.

I grabbed a seat and started talking to the guy at the next table. He was French and spoke no English. We'll call him Joe. Over the next hour, we spoke in French and I learned the following:

- The French feel the same about their new president, Sarkozy, much the way Americans feel about Bush: The guy is power hungry, aggressive, has policies that are very simple, and he barely got elected. The only difference between the two is that Sarkozy is probably more intelligent, he said.
- Joe is 49 years old and has had about 5 careers. He recently went back to school and got a degree in social work and now works at a home for troubled kids.
- He has two grown children but never married.
- His life philosophy: he doesn't like to read or watch TV because these are all someone else's interpretation of life. He likes to experience things first hand with his mind (points to his head), his heart (points to his heart), with his passions (points to his crotch.) He also considered himself an anarchist because he hated politics.
- He periodically gives elderly street peddlers 1 million Vietnames Dong, about $63, about a month's salary for many in Vietnam.

After eating, we hopped on his moped to check out some bars. At our first stop, we drank and the conversation turned to every guy's favorite topic in South East Asia: prostitutes. He was generous with his advice and I found it worth sharing.

Tip of the Day: How to Find a Prostitute in Hoi An, Vietnam

1) A lot of the hair salons offer massage. (I had noticed this and thought it was a strange combination of offerings. But I'm just a bumpkin from Boston, what do I know). Often the masseuse will rub more than your back.
2) If you are getting a massage and want more, attempt to massage the masseuse. If she starts talking money, you're in. If she slaps your face or calls the police, you're probably out of luck.
3) Don't hire several girls at a time because one of them may grab your wallet while you're occupied with another one.

Related Tip: Talking Vietnamese, Lesson #1

When approached by a friendly moped driver at 2:00 am you may hear the phrase:
"Laddie, Laddie, boom-boom?"

Translation: "Excuse me Mr. Filthy Rich Caucasion, would you like to meet a girl who makes friends easily?"

If you are not interested, here is the proper response:
"No boom-boom suc-suc."

Translation: "Thank you for your generous offer Mr. Ho' Man. I'm sure your sister is a very nice girl, but I already have venereal disease."

More stories about prostitution in Asia, Cambodia, Vietnam, Phnom Penh, Saigon, and a hot date in Phnom Penh.
- Profiles of Western Sex Tourists in Asia
- Phnom Penh Nightlife
- One Day at the Massage Parlor
- Saigon: Traffic, Hookers, War Propaganda
- Useful information on sex tourism

- Erotic humor (short story) of an online date in the U.S. that went a little too right.

- Erotic humor (short story) "My first time with a Phnom Penh hooker."

More Night-Time Tips: How To Eat At A Seedy Street Stall

1) Ask the price before sitting down. Once you sit down, you are committed. The price should be between 10,000 and 15,000 Dong for food and about the same for a beer. (15,000 Dong = a little less than $1)

2) Remember: those squares of scrap paper impaled on a long nail in the middle of the table are not Post-It notes, they are napkins.

3) Take a napkin and wipe your chopsticks and spoon thoroughly.

4) When you're bowl of food arrives, let your utensils soak in the hot food. The heat should help disinfect them.

5) Add every ingredient on the table to your food: hot peppers, garlic in oil, etc. Squeeze in the juice of a lime section, if they served you one. Stir and eat.

Lifestyle of the Vietnamese:
The researchers at RandysTravel have conducted informal interviews with locals in Hoi An. Here's more or less how things work:

1) Average monthly salary: $80 to $500.
2) Some people work multiple jobs (It is not uncommon to have night watchmen at a hotel sleeping in a small bed. I'm guessing they also work a day job)
3) People count on their families to take care of them in old age. If an elderly person has no family, they are out of luck.
4) Women live at home until they get married. She is not allowed to sleep over at a boyfriend's house until they are married. When she marries she moves out and in with the man, who continues living under his parents' roof. Most women are married in their early twenties.
5) You don't marry one person, you marry the entire family.
6) In Hoi An, many people have never left the town because it is too expensive for them to travel.

- Erotic humor (short story) "My first time with a Phnom Penh hooker."

Cheapest Town; Marriage Offer; How the Other Half Vacations

2007-10-25T03:34:00.000-07:00

Our bus pulled into a beachside town call Hoi An at around 12:30 pm. The bus is run by company called An Phu. The first hotel we pulled into was called the An Phu. Coincidence? Seems like good business: Wear people down with 18-hour bus ride and no sleep and then bring them to your hotel for the hard sell.

I got off the bus and a hotel sales person showed me a room.
The price: $12.
What am I made of money?
Do you think I just got off the boat or something?

I told her it was too much, I was going to look around town. I started to walk out and the price dropped to $10. I asked if they had a better room. Something bigger with a balcony. Just so happens... I took the new room and agreed to pay $12. The room was almost identical to what I had in Hanoi for $20, except this hotel was new and had a pool.

Questions I should have asked before taking the room:
- The map says the hotel is only 3 kilometers (1.8 miles) to the beach. Is that a friggin lie?
- Is the distance to the beach more like 5 kilometers (3 miles)?
- Does it rain in this town every day or just every day in October when I'm here?
- Is that really your idea of a gym?

Still, to date, Hoi An is the least expensive place and it was fun as well.

Costs:
- nice hotel room (Had both a queen bed and single bed, a/c, nice new bathroom, free Internet): $12
- Huge dinner: less than $3, including a local noodle dish with beef called Cao Lo $.70 (squeeze lime and add hot peppers), excellent hot and sour fish soup with rice $1, 16 ounce beer $1
- ride to the beach $1
- workout in marginal gym at five-star beach hotel: $10 (seems to be a theme in Southeast Asia: a visit to the gym costs the same as a night in a hotel)

The town is worth a visit. (I'm staying 4 days)
- There is a river that empties into the sea. (I've decided to name the river the Typhus because a local white guy told me not to go in it.) Bars and restaurants line the riverside.
- There is a Bangkok/China Tow -style market with food and clothes, etc. It's like a trip to the zoo. Lots of strange creatures being washed in the Typhus that no doubt end up in my hot and sour fish soup.
- Ocean and beach are great but a local cautioned me about the undertow. I would have gone in anyway but it has rained every day.

Marriage Offer

My first day I walked to the beach. The walk took about an hour. The second day I wanted to work out. After seeing my hotel gym, which had 3 pieces of equipment probably left over from the French occupation, I asked the hotel staff if there was a better place. They said a hotel on the beach had a real gym.

I wasn't going to walk both ways to the beach. I walked out of the hotel and a woman renting bikes and mopeds called out asking if I wanted to rent a bike. I said no, it was raining. She ask if I wanted a ride somewhere. I said maybe. We haggled about price and settled on 15,000 dong. She closed up her rental stand and we hopped on her moped.

The woman started talking:
"where you from?"
"Canada," I said
"How old are you?"
" 25, I said. "How old are you?"
"Me 25, too." (She didn't look a day over 45)
"You married?"
"Nope," I said.
"Me neither."
"You like Hoi An?"
"Yeah, it's a very nice town."
"You should get married and buy a house here."

Somehow the conversation got turned around to us getting married.
Here was her offer:
- we get married
- I buy her a big house (she said a big house would cost $30k. I pointed to a small triple decker on the river. She said that one would cost $60k. If I bought her that house she would rent out the other floors.)
- I leave Hoi An and visit periodically

If I had been more attracted to her, I might have started dickering for better terms.

Glossary:

Food stall:

Food sold off a cart, from in front of a house, or from a store that sells other stuff during the day. It's almost like your neighbor opening his garage at night, putting out a few chairs, and serving mystery stew and beer to anyone who wants to pay. Some stalls are open till 2:00 am.
Most food stalls sell some type of stew. The base is a watery brew simmering in a huge pot large enough to boil a queen-sized sham pillow. When the liquid gets low, the cook adds water tap water, a dead kitten, and a few rusty soup cans.

How the Other Half Vacations

On the beach in Hoi An is a 5-star hotel called the Swiss-Belhotel Golden Sand Resort & Spa. The place is one of the most spectacular hotels I've seen but still cheap by US standards.

Here's what it has:
- beautiful pool, steps from beach with a bar that has seats that are in the water. The pool has two small bridges that go across it.
- small gym and full spa (you pay extra for spa)
- several nice bars. A beer in the bar costs $2.50 (and the staff expects tips -- the nerve. I was told not to tip in either Thailand or Vietnam, as people don't expect it and can be confused. I think it is sadistic to confuse someone intentionally, so I've abided by the local customs) The bar I went to had chess boards, dominoes, and a free pool table. The bar staff was confounded when I first asked the price and then wanted to pay with Vietnames dong -- they are used to US dollars and people who don't do boorish things like ask the price of everything. (I've gotten used to asking the price before buying anything. You may be embarrassed by me if we go out when I get home...)

- The cheapest room cost $105 (these were all sold out, so I couldn't see one)

- The nicest room cost $245 (equivalent to about 3 weeks in my hotel)

The nicest room had the following:
- 1.5 baths
- master bath suite had separate shower stall and a seperate bath tub.
- livingroom
- foyer
- huge balcony
- it faces the beach (you're basically on the beach.)
- bedroom that had a bed that was probably the size of two king beds.

Crime watch:
I was at the post office mailing something and a woman I was talking to was doing the same. She put her purse on the counter, filled out some forms, and then her purse was gone.

More Mosquito Bites of the World:
1) Bangkok
- itch minor
- welt: minor
- vector: small, quiet mosquito (I'd just assume let bit me and get it over with)

2) Hanoi, Hoi An
-itch: minor
- welt: minor
- vector: small, quiet mosquito

Overnight Cruise; Rough Bus Ride

2007-10-25T02:44:00.000-07:00

Cheap Cruise: $60

In Hanoi I took at 2-day, 1-night boat cruise.

Here's what I got:
- transportation to and from my hotel to cruise boat
- 1.5 days cruise to view national landmark called Ha Long bay, which is dotted with island cliffs.
- 1 breakfast, 2 lunches, 1 dinner (food was great. drinks were a rip off)
- nice room with bathroom (but had a roomate, so not much sleep)
- 2-hour cave tour with guide
- 1-hour kayaking

Next day, I left Hanoi to head down the coast. For $25, I bought a bus ticket that went all the way down to Saigon (a 40-hour drive, 930 miles on rough roads. In college, friends and I drove from Vermont to Fort Lauderdale in 27 hours.) My guide books warned that this ride was a little rough.

The bus allows you to get off and on again at 5 stops on the way to Saigon. The first leg of the bus ride was a 18-hours. Once again, I failed to ask enough questions about the bus ride, such as:
- why the was it so cheap? (if you're concerned enough to ask, take the train or fly)
- did the bus have a bathroom? (no)
- when was the last time the shock absorbers were changed? (what shock absorbers?)
- what is the Vietnamese word for giant, concussion-inducing pothole? (there probably isn't one)
- did it have sleeper seats (hah! There are buses with beds but they cost considerably more)
- is there a legal limit on how many Red Bull energy drinks the bus driver can consume while driving? (probably not)

So, I got on the bus at 6:30 pm. It was due to arrive at 12:30 pm the next day in a beach side town called Hoi An.

The Drive

Several things make highway driving in Vietnam particularly interesting:
- mopeds are allowed on highways, so there is endless honking.
- the highway we took had two-lanes (one going one way, the other lane going the opposite direction. To pass you have to dart out into oncoming traffic. This is most fun on blind turns)
- tailgating is the norm and usually means you're within 5 feet of vehicle in front of you. It's actually more like drafting, a move bike riders use to ride in the air wake of the rider in front of them.

The bus personnel:
- Once we were on the highway, our tour guide pulled out a small hammock, strung it to the armrests of four seats and promptly went to sleep. At least someone got some sleep.
- the driver was probably 4 Red Bulls over the legal limit and weaved in out of traffic, bashed through pot holes rattling the bus to the point where the little buttons above our seats for air and lights fell out. I felt like a viction of shaken baby syndrome.

The rest stop:
After about 2 hours we pulled in for a bathroom break. The urinal was a 50-foot long concrete trough. It was a completely in the open. Using it was almost like getting caught pissing on a wall only you were with 20 other people. In other words, passers-by could see just about everything including the post-piss shake. The urinal was also about 20 feet from the kitchen. The woman cleaning dishes could see us all pissing into the trough and then zipping up. (At least she was attractive.) Also, your shoes were all covered in urine when you left. (I have extra long shoe laces that alo got wet.) When we got back on the bus we were all on an amonia high from the smell of the urinal.

Sleeping on the Bus

I didn't sleep at all on the bus, but some of those around me did. The trick is finding a comfortable position. Luckily most of us had double seats to ourselves.

How to position yourself for sleep:
- get the back row of the bus (ours didn't have a bathroom, so the back row had 5 seats across -- anyone lucky enough to claim those seats could recline completely back there.
- lie down on the aisle floor. (this became less attractive after we tracked in urine from the rest stop.)
- stretch across so your legs go onto the seat of person across the aisle. Hope they don't get angry.
- put your head on seat closest to the aisle, your butt on seat near windows, and rest your legs against the window.

The Morning After

I felt fine, but a lot of the women had developed angry zits on their cheeks and chins, probably from resting against dirty bus upolstery. (I guess that's one benefit of having skin that's over 22 years old -- no more pimples.)

Hanoi; Live Chickens; More Shysters

2007-10-21T07:46:00.004-07:00

After spending my last night in Bangkok in a hostel dorm room with 3 other guys (I got no sleep), I hopped on a flight to Hanoi. The flight was about 2 hours. The flight attendent made her usual remarks:

"This is a non-smoking flight"

"Bringing live chickens on board is a serious offense."

Luckily, I had checked my bag full of wool suits and live chickens before getting on the plane.

I had asked my Hanoi hostel to arrange a cab. When I got off my plane at 10:30 pm, there was an Asian guy holding a sign with my name on it. I went with him out to the parking lot.

"You wait me here," he said in pefect, preposition-free Vietnamese English.

I waited. And waited. Eventually, an Asian guy pulled up in a car with no taxi sign on it. I didn't recognize him. I asked him how much the cab ride was going to cost. "Sorry, sorry," he said. He opened his trunk and put my bags in. Hmm. I got in. I asked again about the price. "Sorry, sorry."

I asked if he was going to the Hanoi hostel. "Sorry, sorry." I started to get a little nervous. I was trying to figure out what I'd do if this was a kidknapping. We kept driving. I asked if we were going to Hanoi. He said yes. I watched the street signs. They all said Hanoi. On the highway, there were moped riders darting across lanes, in and out of traffic, between trucks. Some of the mopeds had up to four people on them, men, women, children. No one was wearing a helmet. Eventually, we made it to the hostel. He took off, I didn't need to pay him. (The hostel billed me directly.)

Apparently, my paranoia was not without grounds. The next day a fellow hosteler told me the following story.

He was out looking for a specific bar late at night. He couldn't find it. A friendly moped rider offered to take him to the bar for 15,000 Vietnames dong (about $1). He hopped on the moped. They drove along. Then a prostitute jumped on the back of the moped and started feeling the guy up, reaching into his front pockets. He said he wasn't interested, get lost. She continued. He got pissed off. They pulled up in front of the bar. He reached in his back pocket for his wallet and it was half out of his pocket. He opened the wallet. The money was gone. He yelled at her to give him the money back. She did nothing. He grabbed the driver of the moped by the collar, looked at her, and told her he would beat the crap piss out of the driver if he didn't get his money. He got his money back.(The hosteler is a small Australian guy. The Vietnamese guy was even smaller. Violent crime here is pretty rare. He wouldn't have attempted anything like this outside of South East Asia.)

Facts About Hanoi/North Vietnam
- They drive on the right, like the U.S.
- More precisely, they drive on the left, right, on sidewalks.
- there are few cars but thousands of mopeds; few people wear helmets; they honk constantly using a stacatto-style series of 4 or more short honks as opposed to Americans, who honk with a couple of long, loud foghorn blasts.
- women generally cover their skin from the sun. You'll see a couple of variation of face coverings: the bandana worn Jesse James style but with a feminine flower pattern or the surgeons' mask also in feminine pattern.
- technically, bars close at around midnight. But some will close the doors, pull down their iron garage-like shutters and continue serving inside. If you knock on the shutter, some will let you in. Some hostelers said they were in a place where the police demanded the owners open it up and everyone ran out the back door.
- Prices here are even cheaper than in Thailand: a decent small hotel in town costs $20 a night (320,000 dong). Bowl of soup from a street stall a little less than $1, 15,000 dong.
- Weather has been in 80's, but dry and comfortable.

Sites, Smells of Bangkok; Streak Continues

2007-10-21T07:46:00.002-07:00

I go down to the waterfront to take a tourist boat around Bangkok. I wasn't sure where to get off, so I asked an attractive Asian women if this boat went to Wat Pho. Her breasts are perfect. She is wearing a lot of make up. She answers me in a deep masculine voice. "Yes, it does." Ahh, my first encounter with a girlie boy, also know as a Katoey.

The water was muddy and the river had all kinds of exotic craft. My favorite was the Bangkok take on the romantic Venetian gondola boat ride.
- Instead of a dashing gondola paddler in swanky clothes, you get a beer drinking guy wearing flip flops.
- Instead of being propelled by a silent swishing paddle, the Bangkok gondola (called a long boat) is powered by a V-6 engine with no cover on it -- you can see the pistons and cams, and smell the gas. Perfect for setting the right romantic mood.

The docks along the water look like something out of a Charlie Chan movie. Dark warrens, stocked with boxes and produce and all kinds of dried stuff you'd typically feed to a cat. The place smelled like rotting fish. This would be a great spot for the opening scene of a drug movie.

I got off the boat and visited a temple called Wat Pho. The highlight was the giant reclining Budha. To see him, you had to take off your shoes and put them in a giant rack. Westerners' shoes went in one rack. Thais' shoes went in a separate rack next to a security guard. Hmmm. The Budha, who is resting on his side, was about the size of a blue whale. He had a blissful smirk like he had just enjoyed some pleasures of the flesh or a nice bowl of hashish.

I came out of exhibit and there was a white guy complaining that his shoes had been stolen. (His shoes were blue Crocs). The security guard told him to look again. He looked again. No shoes. The guard told him to look again. He looked again. No shoes. I left and came back. The guy found his shoes -- in another part of the rack. The guard told him to wait 10 minutes to make sure they were his shoes and not those of someone who just went in. They were his shoes. Either someone took them by accident and brought them back, or someone stole them and heard all the commotion and returned them, or someone moved them.

A Randystravels investigation on shoe thefts at this exhibit revealed the following:
- 20 percent of incidents involve Westerners' shoes
- 80 percent involve Thais' shoes
- the kleptos are generally Cambodians and Laotians.
Source: Thai tour guide who was watching this whole thing with me. (I actually don't believe a word of what he said.)

Tip of the day: to avoid shoe theft, carry your shoes in your daypack instead of leaving them on the ground where the Cambodians can get them.

How Monks keep fit: The temple grounds is home to Budhist monks and a school. There was a full length outdoor basketball court in the middle of the grounds.

Next it was time to inspect the public bathroom: This required a new level of bravery. The facility included:
- dirty squat toilet (hole in the ground)
- no flush
- no toilet paper
- faucet, cup, and trough of dirty water
- I'm guessing you pour water into hole when you're done with your business.
- unfortunately, the hole was overflowing; nothing was going down.
- I was in and out of facility in 30 seconds.

I went back down to the dock to catch my boat. Getting on the boat, I saw an attractive white woman. I went to spot next to her and started talking to her. Conversation was going well.
- She was about my age (check)
- she wore minimal make up, unpretentious hairdo. (check)
- she was a massage therapist (alternative career, check)
- she had moved to Maui from Colorado and did a lot of outdoor stuff (athletic, check)
- she was traveling on her own for 5 weeks and staying in cheap hotels. (apparently available and on a budget, check)

We talked for a while and there was just one last hurdle to get over and I would ask her out.
"So, do you have a job to go back to when you get back?" I asked.
"Yeah, job, husband, dog."
Bummer

Facts about Bangkok:
- They drive on left side, like British and South Africans.
- Weather when I was there: 80s, muggy, sooty. Take a shower, get out, you're already covered in sweat and grime.
- the place hops 24-hours a day.
- I felt totally safe walking around at 2:00 am (there were women walking alone at that hour without a care -- women other than the prostitutes.
- There are helpful, uniformed police all over the place, particularly the subway. (these guys look like they mean business, unlike South African "security guards" who man the streets and look barely old enough to shave.

Fleeced in Bangkok

2007-10-21T07:46:00.001-07:00

Bangkok has the seedy hipness of New York without the pretension or high prices. Add some Asian flavor, people that party all night, and you've got a recipe for a great city. Still, like the cowboy in the movie "Midnight Cowboy," I had a lot to learn my first two days.

Separating tourists from their money is a favorite past time in South East Asia. From what I can tell, rip-off artists sharpen their skills in smaller places like Hanoi and when they're ready to play in the big leagues, they come to Bangkok. In fact, the economists at Randystravel estimate that tourist rip offs account for 40 percent of the city's revenue.

And it's not like the authorities aren't aware of it. The tourist maps you pick in the airport warn you about cab and tuk-tuk drivers.
(a tuk-tuk is a 3-wheeled, gas-powered rickshaw.)

Transportation scams:
- you get into their vehicle and tell them you want to go to hotel x or see monument y. They tell you the monument or hotel is closed and they take you to either a hotel or a sleezy store. The idea is that you'll buy a room or some junk and the driver gets a kick back from the proprietor. (For bringing you to a store, a driver may get $1. If you buy something, he may get $5)
- they will charge you an outrageous fee to go around the corner.

Cash Confusion:
The first day or so, dealing with a new currency is tricky. If there are 34 baht to a dollar, is a 100 baht a good deal for a beer? So far on my trip, I've had to deal with 4 different currencies. As a result, you encounter the following.

- miscounted change: merchants just give you the wrong change.
- inflated pricing $5 for a beer sounds reasonable until you realize that in Bangkok only idiots pay $5 for a beer. A beer costs $2 or less. (60 baht or less)

Tourist buses:
- The hostel in which I stayed warned about buses. They stow your belongings under the bus and then rifle through them and steal your valuables.

First Night in Bangkok

I took a public express bus to the hostel, which was on a main boulevard called Sukimvit Road. Sukimvit has streets running off it called Sois (pronounced "soys.) I was on Soi 38, two blocks from the skyway, or above-ground subway. I was also about 3 stops from some of the key red-light districts.

I started talking to some folks in the hostel lobby and we agreed to meet later for dinner and drinks. Unfortunately, we were going to the other part of town beyond the subway and we'd need to deal with a cab driver. We split into two groups and were advised to flag down a driver and insist on having him charge us according to the cab's meter. The first group got a metered cab right away. I was in the second group and the problems started. The first driver we flagged down refused to go by the meter. The second refused as well. We got desperate. Somehow we got the idea that 300 baht was a fair price. (about $10, split 3 ways.) We told him we'd pay 300 baht. He said ok. Our first victory against Bangkok's bad men, we snickered to ourselves. Upon arriving, we asked the folks who took a separate cab what they paid. "100 baht." Damn.

Fleeced Again

The next morning, I went out in search of breakfast. There was a series of soup and noodle stalls near the hostel. I went to the first one. Asked the price: 30 baht. ($1) I said "too much." The middle-aged proprietress didn't respond. I walked away. I came to another stall that was actually in a little store. I asked the price. The elderly woman said 40 baht. Bitch! But I was hungry so I sat down. A guy in his twenties was also working there. I ate my soup and fumed because I knew I was being overcharged. When I was done with my meal, I asked him how much. He said 30 baht I paid and left before she could see what went on.

Later that day, I wanted to find a health club. I had the address of two. The first one wanted 1000 baht (about $30) to work out for the day. That was more than my hostel room. I went to the health club across the street. They wanted 800 baht for the day. I tried to negotiate. "How about 800 baht for 24 hours, which means I can come in tomorrow morning?" This turned into a full-fledge negotiation, almost like buying a car. The sales manager (an attractive Thai woman in her 20's) called me into the deal-closing area, where other sales people were working perspective clients. We bantered back and forth. We agreed to something, but I wasn't sure what. I insisted on something in writing. She gave me a little card that said I could work out 2 days for 800 baht (about $13 a day). I went and worked out. I talked to another member. He said he paid 630 baht per month. "800 baht seems kind of expensive," he said. Damn.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

For dinner, I went in search of a noodle stall. I found a place manned by another old lady who didn't speak much English. (or didn't let on that she did.) I asked how much. She said 30 baht for a curried chicken and rice dish. I ordered and also asked for a bottle of water. She whipped up the food. It was cold. I may be an easy mark, but when it comes to food poisoning, I'm willing to take a stand. I told her I'd pay for the water but not for the food. I told her it was cold. She didn't understand. I gestured. She gestured. I was bigger than she was, but I didn't want to tangle with her. There was another guy eating who seemed to know his way around the food stall. Hopefully, it was her son. I explained to him. I couldn't tell if he understood. We just stood there. Stand off in Bangkok. He took away the food. I paid him 10 baht (the going rate) for the water. We parted company.

My last day, I asked the hostel to call me a cab for the airport. The hostel owner has a sign on the wall that says the cab will cost 300 to 350 baht, depending on traffic. I get in the cab and ask how much it will be. The driver says he will take the highway and run the meter. He says I will have to pay the toll. I start to get angry and ask him to stop the cab so we can go discuss this with the hostel owner. I realize that my bags are in his trunk. If I get out of the cab, he could split with my bags. (I've also done a bad thing in Thai culture: getting mad. You're supposed to show restraint, even in the middle of a fleecing. Smiling, laughing, and being firm are fine. Anger is not good.) I agree to the terms. I read the fine print on the window of the cab that has the terms drivers are supposed to abide by. It says passengers are supposed to pay tolls. We get to the airport: tolls plus meter: $340 baht. I pay him and he owes me $260. He hands me what looks like 160 baht. I ask angrily for the other 100 baht. He says it's there. I open wad of bills. It's all there. Damn.

I'm in the airport restaurant. I order the green curry, extra spicey. The dish comes in a bowl that is only a quarter full. I call over the waitress and with a smile I point to the green mixture and say "nit noy, nit noy. Where's the food?" (Nit noy means "a little.") The waitress looks confounded. I call over the manager. With a big smile, I give him the same routine. He grabs my bowl and hands it to the cook. When I get the bowl back it is three quarters full. It looks great. I spoon some into my mouth. I start to cough and suppress it. This is the spiciest dish I've ever tasted. I plough through it hacking, wheezing, eyes and nose running, and finish every drop. I refuse to give the restaurant staff any satisfaction. I have nasty burning sensation in my colon for the next two days. Damn.

Monday Oct 15: Cape Town to Bangkok

2007-10-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

This is my third red-eye flight. (only two more)

Today's travel schedule
- 4:50 a.m. cab from Cape Town hostel to airport
- 7:00 am filght from Cape Town to Johannesburg (2-hour flight, plus 4 hour lay over)
- 12:55 pm flight from Jo'burg to Hong Kong (13 hour red-eye flight on Cathay Pacific)
- 8:00 am arrive in Hong Kong
- 1:00 flight to Bangkok (5 hour time change from Cape Town, about 12 hours ahead of Boston)

My strategy for this long overnight flight: remain awake for 5 hours on flight and then try to sleep using whatever means possible.

Side note: In the international terminal of Jo'burg airport, I saw my first modern squat toilet. It had the tradional hole in the ground, but the foot rests and floor were all shiney white porcelain. It even had toilet paper. I took a quick look inside the stall but despite the inviting decor, I didn't use it.

Luggage:
- Once again, I managed to bring all my luggage on the plane. I don't trust the airlines to move luggage from point a to point b without losing it, urinating on it, or stealing valuables from it. (After my last long flight my bag had a very familiar amonia-like smell.)
- Strategy: Take a third of my belongings out of my back pack and put them in a white plastic kitchen trash bag. (I brought a bunch of these.) I also wear my windsurfing harness instead of packing it. When I check in, the agent weighs my pack and it not only meets weight restrictions but it looks smaller it normally is. Having my stuff separated out into two bags also makes it easier to find places to stow it in overhead compartments on the plane. The kitchen trash bag also contains a small day pack with stuff I want with me for the flight: a book, sleeping pills, bottle of water, snack, notebook and pen.
- The Cathay agent started to make some noises about the size of my pack but I begged and pleaded and told her I had a tight connection in Hong Kong. She let me slide.
- On the Airbus 340 I was flying on, the overhead bins above the center aisle hold more (110 pounds) than those over the seats in the side aisle. (Though I was seated in a side aisle, I grabbed a spot in the overhead for the center aisle.)

Cathay Pacific: This is more like it
- even in economy, we received free newspapers. (I grabbed International Herald Tribune and Business Day)
- In economy, we all had our own private entertainment consoles (LCD with a selection of movies, TV shows, etc.)
- free head phones
- goody bag: socks, tooth brush with toothpaste
- food: I opted for fish with vegetables. It was a little bland but at least it was somewhat healthy and not buried in fat and salt. For breakfast, I had chicken with Asian noodles, fruit, and yogurt.

Sleep: None
- I tried drugs, alcohol, meditation, to no avail
- I ended up watching 3 movies: Mr. Brooks (Kevin Costener as a serial killer: decent), Die Hard 4 (crap), The Anchorman (Will Ferrell, marginal) and a series of TV comedies (Fraser)

I got in to Hong Kong at 8:00 am

I was slated to take a 2:00 flight to Bangkok, but there was a 9:00 am flight as well. I raced around the airport, found the ticket agent, changed my ticket and was on the plane. (If I had checked my bags, I never would have been able to do this.)

This plane was Boeing 747-400, an ancient piece of crap. Smaller seats, smaller overhead bins.

Luck Continues: I End Up In a Gay Bar

2007-10-14T06:56:00.000-07:00

Friday night I got into Cape Town at around 9:00 and wanted to go out for a beer. I had been to all the places near my hostel on my last visit, so I walked further down the street. I'd go into a place, see a huge crowd, hear head-splitting music, and walk out. I finally found a quieter place with folks playing pool and watching rugby. I had my beer and left.

Saturday I went to work out and then went back to that bar at around 6:00. I started talking to a young black guy sitting at the bar. We were watching rugby and I was asking him questions about the game. He said he sold hand-carved figurines made of stone from his own store. His family carved the figurines from his home in Zimbabwe and then shipped them down here.

Eventually, the topic turned to women. He explained the finer points of marriage:

In Cape Town, it is common for a woman to have a baby before she is married to show that she is fertile and not fallow. If you marry her, you help support the existing baby.

In Zimbabwe, men want to marry a virgin. Arranged marriages are not uncommon.

My companion wasn't married and was a little confounded by the whole marriage situation -- being from Zimbabwe and living in Cape Town.

Oh, and by the way, he added, "this is a known gay hangout."

I looked around and the crowd had a good mix of men and women. But on closer inspection, there were a few sharply dressed older guys sitting alone at the bar. There were also some young guys who kept coming in and bumming cigarettes off the owner.

My friend finished his beer and got up to leave. "Be Careful," he said. Hmmm. Same advice I had gotten from a prostitute 2 weeks earlier.

Phone Nightmares

Ever notice on the back of your credit card there is a phone number that you can use to call them collect if you need to? Don't count on it. In Greece, the hotel owner I was staying with couldn't tell me how to make a collect call. In South Africa, it took 4 tries to get through to an international operator. When I got hold of Visa, they told me to call back during business hours.

Similarly frustrating. I purchased an international SIM card for my cell phone that has not worked. (The store that sold me the card will not refund any of the fee, so I'm going have my credit card company dispute it.)

(Most people I've spoken to have purchased SIM cards locally for South Africa. My problem was that I was going to a lot of different countries and didn't want to keep purchasing SIM cards. Live and learn.)

Next Moves

As I write this, I am preparing for my red eye flight to Bangkok tomorrow and I have not yet turned gay.

South African Recap; Is This Third World?

2007-10-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

Recap

Weird Foods Eaten:
- Scrambled ostrich egg, ostrich bacon (takes like chicken)
- mystery meat pita from street vendor playing middle eastern music.

Popular South African beer that went out of style in U.S. in 1975:
Carling Black Label

Death-Defying Feat:
Using shower that delivered electric shock when you touched hot or cold water handles.

Gym workouts: 5

Pounds gained from drinking beer and eating junk food: 3

Daily expenditures:
about $60 (food, beer, accommodation -- I always had my own room)

Extra expenditures:
- bungee jump: about $80
- sea kayaking tour: about $30
- canoe rental. entrance fee for national forest: $16
- gym: $6 to $14, depending on gym
- ostrich farm (can't remember, but it was cheap)
- cave tour (can't remember, but it was cheap)
- aquarium, snake zoo, dolphin show (all in one complex, can't recall price)

Total Expenditures for 17 days: under $1200

Weather: cold, damp, rainy about half the time
- temps between 40 and 60 farenheit
- locals say this has been one of coldest South African springs in a while. (first iceberg ever spotted off the coast)

Crime:
It's an concern. None of travelers I met had a problem, but everyone was very careful and took cabs.

Towns visited:
- Cape Town (stayed in college party area of town)
- Oudtshorn (Nice remote area; visited ostrich farm and took cave tour)
- Storms River (Nice remote area in the middle of national forest; hostel was fun)
- Port Elizabeth (gritty little city; are I stayed in wasn't very nice. They had a poor excuse for an aquarium and an unimpressive snake zoo)
- Amakhala Game reserve (an hour from Port Elizabether; not sure of name of town.)
- Plettenberg Bay (nice, small beach town)
- Wilderness (that's the name of the town, very nice national forest on a small river, in the woods, near the ocean.

Dates: 3 (1 professional)

Mosquito bites: none

Colds caught: 1

Is This the Third World?

South African areas I visited had a lot of third world attributes, including:

1) Poverty
- children come up to you and beg for money. You can also see them rummaging through the public garbage cans. It's very disturbing.
- Many black people are very skinny
- "Townships" or shanty towns are visible on the side of major highways. These are the one-room, third-world shacks you see on TV featuring corrugated metal roofs and cinder block walls.

2) Crime
- Nicer neighborhoods, schools, public buildings, stores, all have barbed wire, electified fences, or some variation of a high wall topped with a flesh-gouging metal top.
- hostels, tourist offices, all warn you about crime. One hostel owner was telling me about a couple of British guys who got robbed in broad daylight in Cape Town last year. She said people don't report these crimes because the police are not that interested in pursuing crimes that can't be prosecuted. (by the time the case goes to trial, the traveler is out of the country.) She also said a popular hike in Cape Town, up Table Mountain, is best taken with a guide because local crooks have taken to holding people up on their way up the mountain.

3) Lots of undeveloped, unspoiled land
- drive on major highways and you'll see beautiful beaches, mountains and plains.

4) Low prices
- Food and accommodations less than half of a vacation in the US or Europe.

5) Limited Public transportation
- Buses are pretty much it

First World Attributes:

1) You can drink the water
2) you can eat pretty much anything you want.

Bathrooms That Kill; Is a Hostel for you?

2007-10-14T06:53:00.000-07:00

So far, South Africa has offered the widest variety of bathrooms, ranging from Michelin-rated to confounding to painful.

Fourstar bathroom:
- Beacon Hotel in Plattenberg: It's a fourstar hotel, they have have fourstar bathrooms.
- Virgin Active health clubs: It's a nice health club with nice W.C.s

Confounding:
- in several places I have found sinks and showers in which the hot water handle is the right handle (instead of the left).
- in one Virgin Active club, there were four sinks, two of which had hot water handles on the left while the other two sinks had the hot water handle on the right.
- in one Virgin Active club, the toilet paper unrolled horizontally (you unrolled the paper by pulling it across) instead of vertically, where you unroll by pulling the paper down.

Painful:
- One place I stayed, when you touched the hot or cold handle you received an electric shock. (I used a bottle of shampoo to turn the water on and off) Adjusting the shower head also delivered a shock.

Like European toilets, most South African toilets have minimal amounts of water in the bowl. To put this in perspective, if a U.S. toilet bowl had a quart of water in the bowl between flushes, a European toilet probably has a mouthful, and a South African toilet, probably has two mouthfuls. (These are rough estimates.)

As much as everyone likes to get on the U.S. for being wasteful, the low-water toilets from South Africa and Europe, tend not to flush very thoroughly and can leave behind "crumbs" that can only be removed with a toilet brush.

Is a Hostel Right For You?

At this point, I've stayed in 8 different hostels (1 in Greece, and 7 in South Africa) and can offer a little perspective on this low-cost accommodation option. Basically, a hosel is a very inexpensive hotel -- about 1/3rd the cost of a hotel in the same area. Many of them are quite nice inside. If you can handle camping, shared bathrooms, and the occasional bug, this is worth considering.

Some thoughts:

- hostels in remote areas tend to be nice.
- hostels in the city, tend to be a little gritty.
- the only problems I had with noise were with the city hostels because they were in the middle of the action and didn't have expensive insulated windows.
- the beds have generally been workable, though I've yet to sleep on one with a box spring.

Rugby is for Girls; Speak British; Barbed Wire

2007-10-11T11:54:00.001-07:00

After visiting my cousin at the Amakhala game reserve, I stayed in a gritty little city called Port Elizabeth. It is kind of the Somerville of the Western Cape, the section of South Africa in which I've been traveling. My first night I promptly caught a cold and stayed in the same hostel for 3 nights. I was forced to endure night after night of rugby on the livingroom TV.

Rugby Is A Girlie Game

After watching a number of rugby games, I've come to the conclusion that it is a sport for pansies.
Here's why:
1) The game is played mainly by white guys in collared shirts and expensive haircuts.
2) In American football, players tackle by throwing each other to the ground. In rugby, players tackle by trying to rip each others clothes off, almost like overexcited teenagers making out.
3)rugby players spend an unnatural amount of time hugging opposing players and with their hands between each others legs.
4) any contact sport where the French are leading contenders is highly suspect.

Speak British

After my cold went away, I moved on to a town called Plettenberg Bay. This is more like a nice beach town on Cape Cod. I spent two nights there drinking till 1:30 with a nice group of Brits and Germans. (oldest person besides me was 32 years old). I picked up some new vocabulary words from the Brits that are worth passing on.

Tosser: Another word for a "wanker," or a jerk off

Knackered: Tired

Winge: To kfetch or complain

Pissed: To be drunk

Jumper: Sweater

Brilliant: excellent

Wife-beater: any kind of men's vest

Good Fences Make Good Neighbors

In South Africa, the cliched white pickett fence has been replaced with 6-foot high stone walls topped with decorative concertina wire or an electrified fence. The walls also usually have an attractive sign that includes the name of their security company and the words "Armed Response." Unfortunately, what I've seen of the armed guards does not instill a lot of confidence. In Port Elizabeth, the hostel in which I stayed had an all night guard, who couldn't have been more than 18. I wonder if his mother knew he was out that late.

Weather Report: Cold, Rainy

For the last week or so, it has been rainy and in the 40's and 50's. I had envisioned South Africa a little differently: Hot, dusty, people running around in loin cloths. Most people I see are wearing down coats and ski hats.

I went sea kayaking yesterday in Plettenberg Bay and the guide made us turn back after the rain got so bad and the wind picked up. Landing the kayak on the beach, I got tossed in the water, which felt warm compared to the air temperature.

Price Comparison

In Plettenberg Bay I walked into a 4-star hotel that overlooked the ocean. The hotel was pretty nice. Actually, it was gorgeous. Two nights in the cheapest room at the hotel costs about 3800 Rand, or $540. That would be enough to get your own room at a hostel for almost 3 weeks. (hostel room would probably have a shared bathroom and access to a kitchen.)

2-Day Safari; How To Be a Bad Houseguest

2007-10-06T05:24:00.000-07:00

I'm adjusting well to living like a college student. Based on my most recent performance, I think being carefree and inconsiderate are starting to become second nature. I now feel qualified to offer the following advice:

Tip of the Day: How to Be a Bad Houseguest

1) Make vague plans to visit cousin who works as a guide at a game reserve in South Africa.

2) Ask him to drive 2 hours to pick you up late at night.

3) Forget to give him the address of where he should meet you.

4) Wait till an hour after agreed up on rendez-vous time to call him.

5) Make sure he and his driver don't get to bed till 1:30 (they have to get up at 7:00)

6) At breakfast the next morning, meet cousin's coworkers.

7) Sit at place set for game reserve owner's wife

8) Eat dish of food specially prepared for her.

The Safari

My cousin Matt is guide at Amakhala game reserve in South Africa. This is a small game reserve. The smaller size means you don't spend a lot of time driving around looking for animals -- you see them right away.

Day 1: Morning
After horrifying his coworkers with my breakfast performance, we get into a Land Rover driven by Matt. Ten minutes later, we are about 100 yards from a dozen or so giraffes.

We drive on for about 5 minutes and see at least a half dozen different types of antelope (wildebeast, hartebeast, sprinbok, kudu, impala, other deer like animals with crazy horns you wouldn't want to get impaled on.) (excuse spelling errors)

Day 1: Afternoon
Lions are in a special area of the reserve. We encounter a 400-pound male. His head is as large as a car tire. We are about 50 yards from him.

Day 2: Morning
After 15 minute drive, we see rhino, elephant, cape buffalo.

Day 2: Afternoon
We encounter male, female, and lion cubs. The are within 20 feet of LandRover. I start to get nervous. I wish I was bungee jumping.

Lions can be a little hard to find, expecially when they are feeding. (They hide in the brush with their kill.)

To make finding lions easier, the biologists at Randystravels have assembled this guide to sounds made by feeding lions:

"Hey, can you pass the salt?"

"Mom, is ok if I eat the watch?"

Another Close Encounter

2007-10-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

After bungee jumping, I'm heading back to my room. There is an attractive German woman and her friend standing outside the room next to mine. We talk. She's cute and seems older than usual hostel chick. (turns out she's 27)

Later I'm going for a run. I run into them again. She gets out of her car to come over to talk to me. I'm wearing a tank top. She is checking out my arms. (or possibly my greying chest hair.) She says she likes to run. We part company.

After my run, I get into the shower. There is a knock at my door. "Who is it?" Someone mumbles. I say open the door. The German girl pops her head in and asks if I want to join her for a whirlpool in two hours. I say yes. Friendly, these German girls.

I'm eating my dinner at the hostel bar. She is making her dinner. She asks if she can sit down. I say I was saving the seat for her. We eat and joke around. She utters those other words every guy longs to hear: "Should I get a bottle of wine for the hot tub?"

I review the signs
- she was checking out my arms
- she got out of her car to talk
- she invites me to whirlpool.
- she wants to add alcohol to the equation.
This all looks promising. But with my luck, you never know.

I get up to the whirlpool and she's in there ... with a British guy. She asks me to get in. Over the next 3 hours, here's what transpires in our underwater game of cat and mouse:

- I touch her with my feet; she touches back.
- I move closer; she moves away.
- she sits on rim of whirlpool and invites me to sit next to her.
- I try to put arm around her, she moves it away.
- she offers other guy glass of wine
- she toasts him and says that he has to look into her eyes when toasting or he'll experience 7 years of bad sex.
- she starts using the 'f' word a lot.
- she moves to side of whirlpool next to him.
- he is either playing it real cool, or shy, or he's not interested. (he is 22 years old; she is 27)
- someones feet brush mine...and they're not hers.
- she says she's cold and we all get out of hot tub.
- she says she'll see us at breakfast.
- the guy invites me to watch soccer with him later(I remember that he's from the UK and that most guys over there are gay.)

Millipede; Bungee

2007-10-02T14:41:00.000-07:00

The clique of 5 Americans and I left Oudtshoorn via Baz Bus for a town called Storms River. They reserved rooms in one hostel, I was in another (As I've done up to this point, I always get my own room. Average cost in South Africa so far about $35, not including breakfast.)

My room in Storms River was pretty nice and included my own shower. As I was preparing for bed, I saw a black, 6-inch bug, the width of my middle finger, rifling through my day pack. All my valuables were safely hidden, but the room wasn't going to be big enough for the two of us. He had to go. I wrestled him to the ground, applied a half-nelson, and, with extreme prejudice, threw him out the door.

66-Story Jump: Cost about $75

The next morning, I decided to skip breakfast. My stomach had no room for food; it was full of nerves. It was raining hard, so I was half hoping the bungee jumping would be cancelled. No such luck. A hostel staffer drove me to the Bloukrans bridge (www.faceadrenalin.com), which claims to be the highest bridge offering bungee jumping in the world. For a little perspective:

The bridge is 216 meters high above the ground, about 1/8 of a mile, 660 feet, or 66 stories.
The Hancock tower in Boston is (I believe) 50 stories.
Tallest buildings in the world are a little over 100 stories.

Note: You don't jump off the top of the bridge. You jump off a platform underneath the bridge.

The other jumpers:
- mostly 20 year olds (one german girl who kept waffling on whether she was going to do it or not)
- a 50-something guy.
- everyone was terrified. Some people got quiet, some people danced around, some people hyper-ventilated. (I got quiet)

The Process
- sign release forms, which are suprisingly free of legalize. Forms basically, said "If you get hurt, tough nuggies."
- get weighed
- get strapped into special harness that is used to retrieve you after you jump. (after you hang upside down, a staffer is lowered down. He attaches hooks to your harness and the two of you are pulled back onto the platform.)
- walk out onto the jumping platform via a metal walkway that provides a vertigo inducing view of the gorge below.
- on the platform, pounding techno music is playing. When your time comes, the staff wraps your ankles in pads, and ties them together. They hook a carabiner clamp onto the ankle pads.
- they hook a back up clamp to your harness in case the ankle rig doesn't hold.
- After being fully trussed up, you can barely walk. Now you wait.
- Then, the staff carries you to the edge of the platform and you try not to look down. You try to breath. You wish you had been nicer to that millipede.
- you bend your knees and, with a push from the staff, you jump.
- the first second, as you see the ground coming up at you, is a real diaper filler. But once the bungee cord tightens around your ankles, you are hanging upside down with a great view of the gorge and river below.

Note: The girl who was waffling eventually appeared on the platform in a harness and jumped.

The Baz Bus; Oudtshoorn

2007-10-02T14:39:00.000-07:00

The Baz Bus; Oudtshoorn

A bus service called the Baz Bus drives up and down the eastern coast of South Africa, from Cape Town to Johannesburg. It stops in front of hostels and you can get on and off as much as you want. I bought a 2-week pass for a little over $200. The bus is like an airport shuttle and seats 19 people. Your bags go in a little trailer attached to the back of the bus. My destination was a town called Oudtshoorn for a cave tour and ostrich farm tour.

The Crowd:

On the bus there was a cliquish group of 5 Americans in their 20's, a guy in his 50's, a Canadian, a Brit, and the first Israeli I've encountered.

I made it to Oudtshoorn by 4:00, went for a run, and was in bed by 10:00.

The next day, I signed up for the cave tours and ostrich farm. I was to be accompanied by the clique of 5 Americans. (Eventually, they started talking to me and things were fine. At one point, they were discussing an old "45-year-old lady" they worked with. I'm guessing they couldn't tell that I'm 48.)

The Cango Cave tour exceeded expectations. I was expecting the equivalent of a petting zoo filled with rocks. Instead the tour included climbing some very narrow, slippery chutes. (one woman in our group couldn't fit. A tour guide explained that a woman got stuck the previous week for 6 hours. Eventually, they applied lube to her and tugged her out.)

The ostrich farm also exceeded expectations. First, some facts about ostriches.
- 1 ostrich egg is the equivalent of 2.5 dozen chicken eggs.
- the birds can live till 80 years old.
- the males have a large toenail that can evicerate you with one good kick.

To impress us with his bravery, the guide went into a pen with two breeding ostriches and grabbed a baby for us to hold. The ostriches didn't do anything to him. The birds hissed a little, but we didn't get to see any of the guide's internal organs get spilled onto the ground. I guess you have to pay extra to see that.

Tip of Week: How to Ride an Ostrich
- Mount the bird and lean back to where you feel like your about to fall off.
- put your feet under his wings
- grab the wings like a steering wheel.
- fall off
- As my father always says, if life gives you toss, you just have to get back on that ostrich.

Sanitation Alert; Call Them Coloreds

2007-10-02T14:08:00.000-07:00

As I prepared to go to sleep last night I pulled back the comforter and noticed that there was no top sheet and a few suspicious looking long black hairs on the bottom sheet. I have yet to come face to face with a bed bug and I'm still relatively free of body chancres. So, I pulled out my trusty bed sheet and slept in it to avoid contact with the bed or mattress.

Note: A bedsheet is like a sleeping bag without the insulation. It is a sheet that is stiched all the way around to provide a pouch to sleep in.

Saturday morning I awoke somewhat refreshed at 10:00. My activity for the day was to find a gym. After a few misdirections and getting lost a few times, I found a gorgeous gym within walking distance. (about 30 minutes down some deserted streets)

It was dark after my workout and I contemplated walking home but found the bar downstairs and asked the bartender to call me a cab. I sat at the bar to wait. While sitting at the bar, a woman and her "colored" boyfriend starting talking to me. The gist of conversation: in South Africa, it is politically correct to refer to black people as black people, mixed race people as colored. (In the US, using the word colored is reserved for Klansmen and other residents of Alabama.)

We discussed my plans to go bungee jumping and I told her I reserved the right to chicken out. Both her and her boyfriend told me if I chickened out I'd probably regret it for the rest of my days. I explained to them that I'm terrified of heights and that I get vertigo from platform shoes.

Back At The Hostel

I got back to the hostel and started to talking to a woman who had also gone to a gym. She was American and in her 30's. She said the words every guy my age wants to hear: "I want to go someplace tonight where the crowd isn't too young. "

Even though I'm probably 15 years older than her, she was a lot more worldly I am. I asked her about the crime in Cape Town and was she nervous at all. She said "no." I told her about the crime stories the Nigerian woman told me the night before. She said, the woman was probably just trying to make me feel sorry for her and give her money. Ooops. That's exactly what happened; I'm a sucker for a pretty face covered in knife wounds.

Anyway, the American woman and I bar-hopped around town and took a cab called the Rikki, which drives around and picks up random people. You pay a lot less, but it can take a while to get to your destination.

We got back to the hostel at 3:00, wished each other well and parted ways. I went up to my room to pack for my 7:30 bus ride the next morning.

Day 29 Continued: New Heights of Paranoia

2007-09-29T07:05:00.000-07:00

A driver picks me up in Cape Town airport and drives me to the hostel in the tourist party-zone on Long Street. As we're driving in, there are townships filled with third-world corrugated housing on either side of the road. The driver warns me against wandering into those areas.

We get to the hostel. I start to get out of the car to pay him. He asks me to stay in the car and not flash around any money. (It's 4 in the afternoon.) This makes me a little nervous.

I go for a run, come back and shower and go to the local laundromat. Inside, there is a young woman who is either the owner or manager and her assistant. She is very nice to me and helps me with my laundry.
Three punks in their late teens or 20's are hanging out by the back door. They come inside and the woman suddenly isn't so nice. She exchanges some sharp words with them. It appears that they are asking her for some free stuff. The punks take turns taking out their cell phones, looking at the screens, and sending text messages. Eventually, they return to the back door. Variations of this theme repeat over the next hour. They come in and hassle her. She gets mad, they leave. I'm waiting for someone to pull up in a halftrack jeep and start shooting.

Back at the hostel, I get cleaned up, go out for dinner alone and come back. I'm checking e-mail in the TV room and a guy in his late 30's or so walks in. We start talking. He's a good guy. We'll call him Rob. We decide to go out for a beer. The bars are hopping. It reminds me of college spring break. Lots of drunk white guys singing and pumping their fists in the air. Then again, it doesn't. There are a lot of sketchy local punks on the street. There are inept looking folks in uniforms that say "security. I don't see any real police. This makes me a little nervous.

Rob and I have a couple of beers and two black women approach us. I talk to one who says she is 21 years old. She's attractive. We dance. She is a great dancer. We dance some more. She says she's from Nigeria and is visiting on vacation. She says she is staying with her sister, who lives about an hour away by cab. (Assuming that's true, it's probably about a $30 cab ride)

Over the next three hours, she says a bunch of things that give me pause:
- You must be careful.
- South Africans will rob you, stab you, and shoot you.
- They will put knock out stuff into your drink. They have HIV
- She says she was mugged at gun point and then again at knife point across the street from where we are sitting.
- She says her father back in Nigeria has two wives and 11 children
- She wants to be married by age 25 and have 6 children.

It is 3:00 am. The bar is open till 4:00 but she says she is hungry. As we leave, she asks me for 20 South African Rand (about $3) I give it to her. She gives it to the doorman. I ask what that was about. She says black women are not allowed in that bar. I make note of this. I've also noticed that she keeps getting calls to her cell phone. She talks in a language I don't understand.

Out on the street, she says she wants to get a cab to go to a restaurant. I'm not keen on getting in a cab and taking off with her. Also, I'm cheap and don't want to spend the money. I ask what is wrong with the restaurants that are right in front of us. She doesn't want to eat there. "

South African stand off.

She says it is time for her to go.
We go the cab stand.
I empty my pockets and give her 70 Rand for cab fare (about $10)

Costs for first night out in Cape Town:
Under $30, about the same cost as dinner and drinks for one in Boston
- 5 beers with tips (2 for me, 2 for Rob, 1 for my "date.") 100 Rand (about $15)
- my date (bribe for doorman, cab fare) 90 Rand (about $13)

Common Sense Acquired: Priceless

Day 29: Another Red Eye Flight

2007-09-29T06:44:00.000-07:00

Today's Travel Plans

- Metro to Athens Airport
- 3 hour Afternoon flight to Madrid
(5-hour stopover)
- 10 hour Midnight/red-eye to Johannesburg
(2 hour stopover)
- 2 hour flght to Cape Town
Prebooked taxi to hostel

Change in strategy for overnight flight:
After consulting with the medical professionals here at Randys Travel Diary, we decide to double up on all sleep medications and libations. I get on the plane and swallow two Lunestra pills. When a flight attendant comes by offering drinks, I get two beers. I'm am sitting next to a cool woman about my age and we are yucking it up. I start to get very buzzed. We are about 3 inches from each other. I start to have untoward thoughts about her. I let the thoughts pass by like clouds in the sky.

Eventually, she says good night, rolls over, and falls asleep. There are no movies on the plane, so I try to sleep. I have fitfull, drug-induced sleep, interspersed with wakeful periods of racing, untoward thoughts.

The remainder of travel is uneventful, except for check-in for flight from Johannesburg to Cape Town. The British Airways ticket agent doesn't recognize my ticket as a legit ticket. After 20 minutes of noodling around, I'm all set. (this concerns me: this woman at least spoke English. As I get into deeper, darker, non-English parts of my trip, ticket problems could become a real bummer.

Randy's Travel Diary

The Bitter Single's Guide to Valentine's Day (aka Single's Humiliation Day.)

The Nurse (more erotic humor, humorous erotica)

The Online Date that Went a Little too Well

The Day I Almost Became Gay (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

Domination for Dummies

Live Performance: 9/15/11, Somerville MA

What to Expect from Friends in Middle Age

Domination for Dummies (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

Close Encounter on a 747

The Nurse (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

My next gig: 6/4 in Newton, MA

Find Your Match: The 5 Romantic Personalities

Clitter-Clatter (Erotic Humor, Humorous Erotica)

Self Test #1: Are You Marriage Material?

Fiction for Sale

The Day I Almost Became Gay (erotic humor, humorous erotica)

Dream woman on a Greek Ferry Part II

One Day in Bangkok

Romance on a Greek Ferry: Part 1

Why I'm over 40 and still single: New Video

More Novel in Progress: Rats, Plague, Burritos

Novel Excerpt: One Day in Athens

Recent Video: Opening scene

Reading from Novel (Part 4) Jackie the Roller Blade Queen

Reading from Novel (Part 3) Over 40, Still Single

Reading from Novel: Part 2 (Bangkok)

Reading from Novel (9/20): Part 1

One Day in Bangkok

Vietnam: Plague, Flashbacks, Beetle Burritos

Day 5: Mid-Vacation Blues

Day 4: Rods, Guns, Beaver

Day 3: Will you marry me?

Day 2: North Bowl, the Hound, Rods and Guns

Day 1: Revelstoke, B.C.: Scoring Weed, Dead Skiers

"Dear Greyhound" continued

Ski Trip to B.C: Delta, Who said Canadians are nice?

Ski Trip to B.C.: Slippery Cab Driver, Delta Surprise

Reading from Novel: Why I'm Over 40 and Still Single

Randy Reading from Travel Memoir in Progress

World's Best Suitcase

News and Tips

News and Tips from My Monthly Newsletter

One Day at the Travel Clinic

How to Have a Rotten Time in Athens

Estimate the Cost of a Long Trip

Bungee Jumping, River-Boarding, and Other Active Overseas Activities

How to Use a Squat Toilet

Solo Travel: Pros, Cons, Tips

Squat Toilets 101

I'm Restarting this Blog

Laundry While Traveling

Table of Contents

Bungy Shots from 147 Meter Jump; I'm Home

Milford Sound, Shmilford Sound

Queenstown Activities: Bungy, River Boarding

Canyon Swing with photos

All's Well in Wellington; Night in Nelson

If It's Wednesday, This Must Be Taupo

Maori Dinner; Grumpy Mole

Black Water, White Water

New Zealand; Sciatica; Fat Camel

Australia 101; Perfect Storm

Gloom Starting to Lift; Leaving in Two Days

Surfers Paradise, Australia: Still in Hell

Depressed in Australia; Speak Like An Aussie

Australian Coast: Wrong Place, Wrong Time

White and Wild: profiles of Westerners in Asia

Melbourne: Sticker Shock, Stuck in a Lift

Singapore: Death to Gum Chewers; Welcome to the West

Best and Worst of Asia

Better Attitude; My Good Deed; More On Women

More Temples; Crocodiles; Bars and Noodle Stalls

Angkor Wat Day 2

Speak Cambodian; Angkor Wat Day 1

The Way to Angkor Wat; Malaria, Dengue Fever

Site-Seeing;: Rats and Goo; A Bird in the Pocket

Phnom Penh Nightlife; Too Much Info; Miscellania

One Day at the Massage Parlor

Entering the Kingdom of Cambodia